April 1, 2011
Hello Everyone, it’s me Wimsey coming to you from the Élyseé Palace in Paris where I have just slimed President Sarkozy, ruined his wife’s Chanel and absconded with a presidential baguette. April Fool! I guess you could see that one coming. Of course I did consider announcing that I’d won an AKC obedience title but I thought that would be even more obvious an April Fool’s Day joke. But if I were in Paris, instead of on Manhattan’s Upper West Side, I would not be saying April Fool but Poisson d’Avril (April Fish) which I never quite understood. But then the whole holiday is foolish by nature making it an ideal holiday for some serious Hound hijinks. My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth needn’t worry that I will make fools of them today—at least not any more than usual. For Hounds every day is April Fool’s Day as far as our humans are concerned. And as far as the poisson part is concerned I do smell quite fishy these days as I continue to eat Holistic Select anchovy, albeit laced with grated imported Pecorino Romano cheese, so I guess I smell like an Italian fish.
Well it has been an exciting week here in New York City, what with the Bronx Zoo managing to lose a poisonous Egyptian Cobra (a tweeting one, no less) and all. Of course the zoo officials were very comforting telling the snake fearing public:
1. The snake can’t possibly get out of the reptile house (I bet a week ago they said the same thing about it getting out of its enclosure)
2. It’s a nice, young snake so it is only a mere 20 inches long.
3. It’s shy
4. It won’t bite unless you annoy it (like by trying to get it out of your house, for instance).
Anyway, if there were a Hound loose in the city I am sure the authorities would be equally reassuring:
1. Don’t worry, he won’t steal your food unless you take it out of the refrigerator.
2. He can’t put holes in your underpants if you are actually wearing them.
3. By the time he is done eating your couch we will arrive to capture him.
4. If you annoy him he will just throw spit in your face---it’s not venomous, just disgusting.
5. The stink he leaves on your clothes can be removed by dry cleaning and strong laundry soap.
6. Your neighbors will think all that stuff on your walls is art.
7. Things can always be replaced.
8. He’s very cute.
Well it all ended happily (at least for the residents of the Bronx) when the snake
was lured out of hiding by the liberal application of rodent shavings (rodents, yum) which made me wonder whether the snake exclaimed “I smell a rat” when captured. Just a little Hound humor.
But seriously what do you think would happen if a Hound were to get loose in New York City?
A Special CNN Report: New York City in Peril-- the Hunt for the Hound
Wolf Blitzer: Good afternoon, I’m Wolf Blitzer. Thanks for joining us on this CNN special report, New York City in Peril. Now to bring you up to date is my colleague Anderson Cooper. What do we know Anderson?
Anderson Cooper: Well Wolf, at apparently 12:05pm this afternoon, Wimsey, a giant, ferocious gelato-eating Hound escaped from his human in Central Park.
WB: How could this have happened Anderson and is he really so ferocious? How concerned should we be?
AC: Well Wimsey’s technically only ferocious if you’re a squirrel but the word ferocious is much more likely to get us better ratings than calling him a giant, adorable gelato eating Hound. But New Yorkers should be very concerned—although not necessarily ill intended, his destructive powers are legendary and few in the City carry Hound insurance.
WB: OK, but how could this have happened. Surely he is always restrained.
AC: Well normally yes, Wolf. But today at actually 12:07 we now understand, he slipped out of his no pull harness and took off into the Ramble after a raccoon.
WB: Wait, did you say a no-pull harness? But aren’t no pull harnesses an urban legend?
AC: Actually when applied to giant Hounds, yes, they are right up there with the Loch Ness Monster and the Lost Continent of Atlantis but it doesn’t stop people from searching for them and buying things claiming to be real. People want to believe, Wolf.
WB: Well what’s the City doing about the situation Anderson?
AC: We are told that the City is taking this very seriously indeed—they’ve even asked Mayor Bloomberg to fly back from Bermuda!
WB: Wow, This is really serious. But what steps are being taken to protect the citizens of New York?
AC: As of 12:10 city officials have ordered the closing of all gelato shops and pizza parlors and I understand the order is to include frozen yoghurt stands as well just to be on the safe side.
WB: But what can people do to protect themselves Anderson?
AC: The city has asked everyone to refrain from wearing expensive clothing, as such clothing is well known to attract drool flinging. At this moment we understand that the entire Wall Street area is flooded with bankers and lawyers wearing Dockers.
WB: Sounds absolutely horrifying Anderson. Have you seen the backsides on some of those guys. Khaki is not their friend. We should get a camera crew down there to survey the sartorial carnage immediately! But what else?
AC: Additionally we understand the city is asking its citizens not, I repeat, not, to carry plastic bottles of any kind. Wimsey’s proclivity for launching himself at passersby to obtain them is well documented. Also if anyone hears any suspicious baying they are to call the special 24-hour police hot line: 1800 LOUD HOUND. Even if you think it just might be a beagle, they’re telling us if you hear something say something.
WB: This is serious Anderson. Is there to be any military action? We can’t have a successful CNN special report without military action!
AC: Well we understand that citizens who request them are being issued with plastic military shields to protect against drool attacks and the police commissioner has requested a predator drone to see if they can home in on the Hound’s location. But’s it’s tough—he might be under a bush having a nap for all we know.
WB: But what’s the plan Anderson?
AC: As of this moment things are in a state of flux Wolf. But we do understand that specially trained police units are ringing the park armed with slabs of liver. They’re just hoping that Wimsey hasn’t taken any tourists hostage.
WB: Yes, Anderson, I understand that Wimsey has a mesmerizing effect on tourists and once he’s got them they can’t seem to tear themselves away from him and they do anything he wants. They turn over their food and water bottles to him and scratch his belly no matter how long it’s been since his last bath! It’s a frightening psychological condition. Kind of brain washing meets the Stockholm Syndrome.
AC: There are deprogrammers on call to deal with that situation should it occur.
WB: But isn’t it true Anderson that we are dealing with an enemy who really can’t be defeated. What’s his secret Anderson.
AC: He’s apparently very cute.
Well anyway the zoo officials have a bit of egg of their faces, which I suppose is preferable to having deadly asp venom on one’s face, but let’s hope that they are a bit more vigilant with respect to the securing of potentially lethal species. I mean I think if it had been monkey or a chimp that escaped people would have been inviting it over for tea and banana bread. But snakes have it tough—not only are they not cute like Hounds (except to their mothers and herpetologists) but they are also potentially deadly when riled up. And then there is the whole Garden of Eden thing which got me thinking that things might have been different if I had been around back then:
The serpent may have offered the apple to Eve but she wouldn’t have stood a chance of getting near it with a Hound around.
The fact that Adam and Eve had no clothes would have an entirely different explanation.
Adam and Eve would be too busy fixing all the holes in the Garden to be thinking about eating fruit or chatting with serpents.
All the animals would have been called Wimsey.
But anyway, let’s hope the next zoo animal that escapes is a bit more congenial, although escaped poisonous snakes are pretty exciting and it takes a lot to get New Yorkers excited. And speaking of exciting I managed to crash yet another TV shoot—this time for White Collar who were filming in Central Park by the lakeside structure known Ladies Pavilion. (Since I like
hanging out there I like to think of it as the Hound’s Pavilion). Last time I crashed a White Collar shoot they were filming their first episode and the star, Matt Bomer, came running across the Bethesda Terrace to say hello to me. Sadly, this time I missed Matt but scored some petting from his co-star Tim DeKay (Agent Peter Burke) and of course the crew made a big fuss over me as crews usually do. Also sadly, they had finished filming their scene so I was unable to add some vocal color to the proceedings. But I was at least able to entertain the crew with some fine auditory offerings which they seemed to appreciate very much.
In general film crews seem to be quite attentive and a crew member queried about this opined that it’s because dogs are always nice and the people around them aren’t. What can I say, one person’s nice (the crew member) is another person’s annoying (my humans). But at least when I yell I entertain people (or at least those I don’t terrify).
Well I think that’s all for this week. Time to make fools of my humans (again).
Until next time,
Wimsey, a fool and her Hound are inseparable