Friday, May 25, 2007

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 17
May 25, 2007

Hello Everyone! Wimsey here. Well to begin, I’d like to thank my good friend Nanook the Newfy (http://nanookthenewfy.blogspot.com) for nominating me for a Blogger’s Choice Award http://www.bloggerschoiceawards.com/blogs/show/16046).

Now although Nanook is not himself a show dog, I understand that his little brother Pooka is being groomed (quite literally—have you seen the hair on those guys! And my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth think I wreak havoc on the bathroom during bath night; --“Oh look, Wimsey has flung clumps of wet hair onto the ceiling--and we thought he only flung drool”) for the show ring. Well I can hardly wait to tell him about all the fun he is going to have if he follows in my spectacularly oversized paws.

By the way, did I ever mention that I have very large feet? Now I use their generous size and pleasing proportions to create lovely bruise art on the bodies of my humans. Mostly I work in abstracts and like to restrict my palette to purple, black, and greenish yellow, but sometimes my work assumes an oddly representational quality (“Look at this new bruise Wimsey has created—don’t you think that it looks like a sheep?”) Of course the market for bruise art is somewhat limited as it is a quite an ephemeral medium, so I also like to take drab, monochromatic textiles and bring them to life via the application of paw shaped designs. (Wow! Look at those sheets. Wimsey has certainly been very busy today. I wonder if Bloomingdales would be interested in carrying the Wimsey line. I understand there are towels to match”). And of course, I can not only make items of clothing more visually arresting through the use of drool appliqué and paw print batik, but I can also create fresh and exciting new designs through the strategic introduction of new ventilation. (“Oh look at that beautiful Swiss cheese motif Wimsey has introduced into your new t-shirt. It’s such a shame that his creations are one of a kind, but that is always the downside of couture isn’t it.” And “I certainly get a lot of attention when I wear Wimsey, but do you think his designs are too young for me?”) My dream, however, is to dress Angelina Jolie on the red carpet:

Joan Rivers: Here’s Angelina Jolie. Who are you wearing Angelina?

Angelina Jolie: I’m wearing Wimsey, Joan.

Joan Rivers: Fabulous! I understand he only does custom work these days and is much in demand. How did you snare him?

Angelina Jolie: I promised him complete artistic freedom. And a lot of liver.

Joan Rivers: Well it certainly paid off—such a unique and airy look. What was the original color of the dress Angelina?

Angelina Jolie: It was originally pale peach but Wimsey absolutely hated the color—he much prefers earth tones.

JR: So I see. And what are those swatches of color?

AJ: Wimsey believes that newly mown grass is a very flattering color for me.

JR: I see. And tell me about that unusual bodice—it certainly looks cool, but how does it stay up---the straps seem to be hanging off of it.

AJ: Yes, the hanging straps are new from Wimsey this season—he likes the casual, careless look of them.

JR: And look! Here comes Brad and all those children! I can see they are all wearing Wimsey! How ever did you get Brad to wear those crotchless trousers? They’re fabulous!

AJ: Well it took some convincing, but you know Wimsey always believes in showing off his client’s best features.

JR: And what about the children? It almost looks like they are wearing rags! They must have cost a fortune—so much detail work.

AJ: Yes, well here, Wimsey decided to reference the children’s heritage and call attention to world poverty. He has quite a social conscience you now—he’s very vocal about the issue.

JR: Well congratulations on your fashion coup Angelina! I hear Jennifer Anniston is now in Vons buying up liver.


Anyway, I am a Hound of many parts (most of them drool covered) but while I am waiting for my design career to take off, my show ring career continues to take off (literally). Last Saturday I was shown at the Ladies Kennel Club of Oyster Bay (a place we managed to take an unscheduled scenic tour of both coming and going, I might add) and I have to say that I put on a stellar performance—it should definitely net me a Hound of the Year award! I was completely inspired by my last post (see #16) and the entertainment potential of Xtreme Show Handling and I decided to engage in a little test run. Now fortuitously (at least for me) there was a bitch just coming into season in the ring, just like in my Xtreme Show handling TV episode! As you know, I am generally thought to be a pretty modest Hound, but I have to say that I was brilliant that day. First I displayed my entire repertoire of gaits—the gallop, the pace, the trot and my signature trot/pace hybrid, the “trop.” Next, being a truly romantic Hound, I decided to loudly serenade the lovely canine creature who was standing in such tantalizing and leash straining proximity. The judge was most appreciative of my efforts-- although I hear that she is considering adding a pair of Bose noise canceling headphones to her show equipment. And then, not content with my efforts so far, I pulled off my master stroke—I once again invented an entirely new gait! In this one, (which requires superb balance and coordination), the nose stays firmly planted in the grass so as to lovingly inhale and savor every molecule of the beloved’s enchanting scent. To be performed properly, the gait must be executed on the full run to more fully convey the intensity of houndly ardor. The sight of a 125 pound baying, tracking Hound driven wild by love, brought joy to the faces of the crowd and tears to my handler, Elizabeth.

I know Elizabeth really enjoyed handling me in the ring that day. It was all “Well, Wimsey behaved like an idiot! But then again he does have a very romantic nature and when he is in love, I suppose nothing else matters to him.” She was particularly impressed that my degree of infatuation was such that even the dangling of boiled liver proved fruitless. (“That was real devotion on Wimsey’s part; I wish I could find a man who would do that for me.”)

Wimsey’s Tips for Successful Dating:

Make a good first impression: Bathe.

Mind your Manners: Try not to drool on your date.

Make your priorities clear: You’d much rather have sex than eat liver.

Don’t monopolize the conversation: Stop baying occasionally.

Restraint: Don’t paw your date.

Be Honest: It really is all about you.


Anyway, Xtreme show Handling is not the only one of my proposed TV shows that seems to have sprung to life. All My Poop, the soap opera about my eliminatory activities, also seems to be right up there on the life imitates art scale. My humans appear to derive a vast amount of enjoyment and satisfaction from an in depth analysis of my toilet habits. And who am I to disappoint them:

As the Poop Turns: A continuing saga

Elizabeth: Look! Wimsey has begun the Poop Walk! Phase I has begun. (For the uninitiated, Phase I of the poop process begins with the patented Wimsey Poop Walk: I pull really, really hard in a very determined manner, sometimes for quite some time before I move on to Phase II)

Maria: Are you sure Wimsey isn’t just towing? (Sometimes I am just towing for the heck of it and they let me do it because they think it might be a poop walk).

E: No, I think he is looking very poopish—he’s definitely gearing up for something major.

M: Look he’s stopping. Could this be it?

E: No—darn, just a leg lift. How disappointing. I hate when that happens. t’s so anticlimactic.

M: Look! Look! He’s doing the double back—he’s moved into Phase II! (In Phase II, I walk back and forth, to determine if a potential spot is really as appealing as I initially believed; sometimes I am forced to admit that my choice was deeply flawed and I move on. I always like to admit my mistakes and cut my losses—another area of superiority of The Hound)

E: Oh no! Wimsey’s seen another dog. He’s completely forgotten about The Mission (it is true
that I am easily distracted—a dog, a person, an appealing air current will cause me to temporarily suspend operations; sometimes it takes me quite a while to remember what I was doing, which leads to my humans to make pleading noises and to tout the desirability of various alternative locales. But I always remain unmoved; on such an important matter the final choice must be mine alone).

M: OK. He’s back to Phase I.

E: This looks promising—we’ve got a multiple double back.

M: Hurray! He’s begun the spin! Quick move in closer so we don’t miss a moment of this; I have a feeling this is going to be good.

E. Excellent—an outstanding first piece—a nice large size, perfectly formed, ideal consistency, good color. A real quality poop. Let’s see if he can keep it up.

M: Yes, look here it is—another really excellent piece.

E: Careful, he’s traveling a bit—stay with him now!

M: Another fine quality piece. And. yes, he’s done! He’s kicking dirt in my face.

E. Congratulations Wimsey! Well done! (Pats and handshakes all around at this point)

And their enthusiasm never seems to wane. Can you imagine the TV ratings-- not to mention the syndication rights! Of course, I am never permitted to thoroughly examine what they produce. But I am working on it.


Anyway, this Sunday we are in for more fun and games and Xtreme Show Handling at Freehold on the Jersey shore, so another Friday Bath Night looms. I understand that gelato from my favorite new stand, Grom (Broadway and 76th), might be in the offing. There is always a long line, but my humans patiently stand on it because they hate to disappoint me. Being a show dog is a ruff life.

Until next time,

Wimsey


9 comments:

BHBrady said...

See you at the show on Sunday Wimsey...GOOD LUCK!!
Brady

Sophie Brador said...

Oh Wimsey my mom is so torn. She's going to be in NY in a couple of weeks and the thought of going out on the town wearing Wimsey couture is so tempting. But if Anjelina and the gang are wearing it, how can she possible afford it? I'm going to start scoping out the dog park for lost loonies and discarded beer cans. Maybe she can save up.

Oscar Airedale said...

Another great post Wimsey, especially "poop watch",very informative!

Licks
Oscar x

Bogart said...

Excellent dating tips there, Wimsey...

Always on top of the good info!

Love,
Bogart

Lorenza said...

Hi, Wimsey.
Sure many friends will take note of your dating tips.
Have a good night
Lorenza

Nanook The Newfoundland said...

Wimsey - what happened at the show?! I must know!!!!

Tadpole said...

Oh, I love All My Poop! I do the travelling thing to - keeps my girl on her toes.

Did you ever get to meet your love up close and personal, or were you left frustrated? :-)

Johann The Dog said...

Wimsey, you crack me up!!!!

I'm blog rolling you, want to exchange links!

Peanut said...

Oh wimsey you make us laugh so much.