Friday, September 14, 2007

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry #32
September 14, 2007

Hello everyone. Wimsey here. Well, I am certainly feeling very frisky as the weather has started to cool down a bit. I am getting a bath tonight and have every intention of maintaining my frisky demeanor throughout my impending ablutions.

During my last Wimsey Bath Night I amused myself by hopping in and out of the tub to the immense discomfiture of my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth who were doing their ineffective best to try and immobilize me---and they got spectacularly soaked for their troubles, I might add. But my view is that if I am to be rendered soaking wet they too must share in the pleasure. We Wimseys are nothing if not generous. Nevertheless, it takes a strong arm, nerves of steel and a lot of waterproof clothing to undertake Wimsey Bath Night.

Getting ready for Wimsey Bath Night is very much akin to planning the Normandy Invasion—first, Elizabeth has to make sure everything is very clean as her apartment is the base operations. This is a trial in and of itself as domestic science is not conspicuous among her skill set. But cleaning up after me as well as dealing with any pre-existing grime is a synergistic hygienic nightmare (think Augean Stables). I fling sticky wet hair about with wild abandon—if I achieve an exceptional amount of rotation I can even hit the ceiling! And of course all possessions that one does not wish to have coated with copious quantities of sticky, spiky wet hair and/or gelatinous drool must be safely hidden from my view.

Next all my laundry must be done—sheets to protect the furniture and a fluffy stack of towels to dry me since I strictly forbid hair dryers (they rank just under nail clippers in the Wimsey Pantheon of Terrifying Implements.) In addition, a supply of turkey must be laid in to keep me occupied during the actual bathing process and a new supply of shampoo must be made up. The ladies favor something called the Grime-inator from Double K Industries (“the ultimate deep cleaning pet shampoo”) for obvious reasons. The shampoo causes a temporary cessation in my ability to emit delectable hound fragrance, but it does make my coat quite soft and lustrous, which encourages a lot of petting, so there is at least some compensation for my unnaturally odorless state. Anyway, after the shampoo is prepared a double row of rubber mats is placed in the bath tub to give me better traction (so I don’t slip when hopping in and out to escape) and a large rubber mat is placed on the tile bathroom floor for similar reasons. Then of course supplies for post bath entertainment must be secured (rawhides and bully sticks for me, cocktail making materials for them).

Now all this is in aid of me being presentable for my appearance tomorrow as Bloodhound–in-Chief at the AKC’s Responsible Dog Owner—Meet the Breed Event (11-3 Madison Square Park, 23rd and Fifth if you are around). I think if people really want to meet the breed, I should be allowed to be my stinky, drooly musical self. However, I think Maria is too embarrassed to admit that she voluntarily lives with a creature of my description so a “sanitized” (in more ways than one) version of me is to be presented:

Wimsey’s Book of Houndly Translation

Wimsey is a very affectionate animal (Wimsey crushes internal organs when he sits on you; also he likes to bite your nose)

Wimsey is an enthusiastic greeter (Wimsey knocks you down, tail whips you and attempts to crack your nose with his muzzle while trying to kiss you).

Wimsey has a fine voice (Wimsey shatters your eardrums whenever he wants something)

Wimsey loves other dogs (Wimsey will cause you to go flying though the air when he takes off to say hello)

Wimsey is a picky eater (only about his own food)

Wimsey can sometimes be a little stubborn (sometimes?)

Wimsey has wonderful tracking ability (Wimsey can find and shred your dirty underwear wherever you hide it)

Wimsey loves the outdoors (good luck dragging him indoors)

Wimsey has a lot of personality (he's a maniac)

Wimsey does enjoy chewing so he is given rawhides (ask Maria what happened to her cookbook collection)

Wimsey is very sweet (Wimsey is magnanimous in victory)

Wimsey is very cute (Wimsey is very cute).

There is sure to be a run on bloodhounds after the event. And of course, no mention will be made of the perpetually gunky state of bloodhound ears--- I am accumulating an impressive array of ear cleaning and drying products. And my humans made good on their threat last week to put my ears up in a scrunchy—allegedly to air them out—but really to make me look silly. But don’t worry, I will have my revenge—it is Wimsey Bath Night after all.

Anyway, Fall in New York is a veritable Festival of Festivals—New York Fashion Week just ended (my humans think New York Fashion Week is the arrival of the autumn LL Bean catalog) and although Hound walking clothes were not a feature of the catwalk this year, Marc Jacobs apparently stole my fashion ideas with designs that looked like I had been at them. Also on tap is the New York Film Festival where New Yorkers go to demonstrate their serious intellectual nature by getting depressed in a wide variety of the world’s languages. I think they could better spend their time by attending the Fall Hound Festival where they could learn about such useful subjects as:

Cooking for your Hound: Recipes to make his mouth water (more)
Dressing Your Hound: Don’t
Dressing for Your Hound: Wild and Waterproof new fall looks
The Art of Hound Massage: How to relax your hound after his stressful day of napping
Technology Seminar: The incredible edible remote control
Christmas Gift Ideas: Ten disgusting things your Hound can stick his nose into
Food Stealing: an innovative approach to combating human obesity

Plus a preview of best places to enjoy Fall Leaf Peeing and an array of doggy toilet facilities all shaped like Cesar Millan.

Yes, fall is quite an exciting time here in New York. But I will miss the major summer activities like trying to drag my humans into the fountains of Central Park and rescuing desperate tourists lost in the Ramble (“Look there’s a bloodhound—maybe he can find a way out!”) and interposing my magnificent self in everyone’s souvenir photos—I am after all one of the major tourist attractions of the city.

But anyway, before I take leave of you for contemplation of summer’s joys, it is time for another visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art. This week we only have one masterpiece to discuss because it is perhaps the most famous painting in the world:

Mona Lisa (Leonardo Da Vinci, 1503-07, Musee du Louvre): Now this painting, although probably of the wife of a Florentine business man, is thought to depict an ideal of feminine beauty. It was purchased from Leonardo by the French King Francois I—a man who was also a connoisseur of Chiens de St. Hubert (bloodhounds), so he really knew something about beauty. In addition to speculation about Mona Lisa’s identity, the thing that has most puzzled art historians through the ages is the nature of her smile. Why is she smiling??? But see how we can instantly solve the mystery by the judicious insertion of a hound! A woman with an affectionate Hound head in her lap can hardly resist smiling—such is the joy and admiration that the Hound elicits among mere mortals. Mona Wimsey

Anyway, today is a short post as I have to keep my energies in reserve for tonight’s festivities. However, you can always go back and read (or re-read) two of my favorite posts in the Wimsey archives: #8 and #16.

Until next time

Wimsey the (temporarily) non-stinky Hound


BHBrady said...

Hey Wimsey, love the sure do the Mona Lisa justice. It is about time that painting was redone, the right way...THE BLOODHOUND WAY!!!
which of course, as we know, is the only way ;-)
Your Buddy

Gus said...

Wimsey: I no longer get a "bath" at home. Not since the last time I joined muzzer in the bubble bath and got the filter on the jacuzzi all gunky. Now I am given a "shower" in the stall with muzzer. How humiliating. So don't be too bad in the tub, OK


Gus said...

Wimsey: I no longer get a "bath" at home. Not since the last time I joined muzzer in the bubble bath and got the filter on the jacuzzi all gunky. Now I am given a "shower" in the stall with muzzer. How humiliating. So don't be too bad in the tub, OK


Sherry said...

bob and layla the unbathed cats say hello and their mom sherry does too!

TAPhillips said...

Wimsey - we wuf our bath night! It's kinda similar to yours, even though we only weigh about 50 pounds each... but, then again, there are two of us!

Dogmom is still laughing out loud from reading your post...
Gomer & Opie

deuce said...

Hi Wimsey! First time for me to visit here. You have a great blog!
Glad to hear that I am not the only one not understanding the thing people have about ruining our fragrant doggie ambiance. About the time I get a good fierce smell about me, they rinse it off!
Funny, funny post about the Normandy Invasion of bathtime!

Randi said...

Oh dear Wimsey! You always being joy & educational reading to my Fridays! Hope you are doing well..I think the scrunchie has to go...I hope you soaked them during bath night!
Love & Licks,