Friday, December 21, 2007

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 46
December 21, 2007

Hello Everyone. It’s me Wimsey, coming to you from the Houndalicious city of New York—I love this city so much I think I should be its next mayor. Who else waters its parks, smears its people in drool and is a major tourist attraction all at the same time? Under my administration, off-leash people would be confined to dog parks and Hounds would roam free. I am sure this would reduce the crime rate (except perhaps for rawhides). Maybe I would even relax a few current legal restrictions and allow humans to experience firsthand the joys of pooping in plein air.

Anyway, I am busy racking up the points here, big time! For those of you who joined me last week, I talked about how I pulled my human Maria’s hamstring (impressively whilst still wearing the detested Halti) and have been exiled to life with her friend Elizabeth. Now this week I significantly enhanced my point total by breaking Elizabeth’s futon—or rather the wooden frame that holds the futon-- I so love to go flying on and off of it! Now this is a very useful futon -- its location makes it an ideal springboard for one of the many chase games I initiate with my humans (usually when they are in a hurry to put my walking equipment on). But alas I sprung once too many and thus broke the thing mightily. Now although the breaking of furniture doesn’t earn as many points as the breaking of actual bones (or the fantasy jackpot of sending one of my humans to the emergency room-- which is still not outside the realm of possibility as I noticed some promising ice in the park this morning)--I still think it deserves a pretty good score because it was maximally inconvenient. Elizabeth had to devote a good chunk of the day to procuring a replacement article, hopefully of sturdier design. (Maybe she should contact Ian Schrager and get one of those ridiculously giant pieces of furniture with which he likes to spruce up his hotels; if he ever decides to get out of the hotel business, he has a great future as a designer of giant hound furniture).

But apart from my furniture busting activities, the big news is that having infected anal glands is turning out to be a pretty good gig. I am now on two types of antibiotics which necessitates the use of four pieces of rolled up sliced turkey to get the pills down me plus a cooked meal to make sure the medication is absorbed properly. In addition, now when I am massively flatulent, no one points a disparaging finger and says “Stinky Wimsey. That’s disgusting. Go away.” Now it’s all, “Poor Wimsey, his tummy is bothering him from his medicine. Here, let me rub your belly.” Also Elizabeth prepares these really relaxing warm compresses for my nether regions. Surely getting humans to rub your tummy whilst applying soothing compresses to one’s backside, although not as spectacular as an actual injury or anything, should also be point worthy? Then of course there are the hushed and reverent consultations as to the state of my anus as Elizabeth issues hourly bulletins to the absent Maria. Any day I expect to see a headline in the New York Post: “Wimsey’s Anus: Still Sore but on the Mend, Say Confidential Sources Close To the Great Hound” or better yet:

CNN Breaking News: The War Within: Bacteria Invade Wimsey’s Anal Glands

Anderson Cooper: Good evening. I am Anderson Cooper and in tonight’s 360 we delve deeply into a story that has mesmerized America for the past ten days: Wimsey, New York City’s foremost bloodhound, is apparently being treated for infected anal gland abscesses. As a New Yorker myself I can personally attest to the consternation this has caused in the Big Apple. Joining me will be Wolf Blitzer for the latest news, Judy Woodruff on the political implications, Christiane Amanpour for international reaction and Dr. Sanjay Gupta to help us understand the medical aspects of the problem. This is the biggest story since our special report on Britney Spears shaving her head and it begins right now. Who says we are not a real news organization anymore! Wolf, what do you know?

Wolf Blizter: This is Wolf Blitzer reporting live from the upper west side of Manhattan—a city gripped in the throes of shock and reeling in horror at the closing of some of the area’s best known Chinese restaurants.

Anderson Cooper: Wolf! Let me interrupt. We are doing the Wimsey anal gland story.

Wolf: Sorry Anderson. It’s been a busy day here in the Situation Room hunting the top breaking stories. Let me start again: This is Wolf Blitzer reporting live from the upper west side of Manhattan—a city gripped in the throes of shock and reeling in horror at the recent illness striking one of its most beloved canines. CNN has just learned that Wimsey’s anal glands are infected, apparently by three organisms, frighteningly one of which is resistant to Clavamox.

Anderson: Do we think this is germ warfare Wolf? Is there a country we should think about invading?

Christiane Amanpour: Let me take that Wolf. At this time the White House has issued a statement assuring Americans that if a country is responsible for this or might be responsible for this or could be responsible for this, quote: “all appropriate military measures will be taken.” Also, Wolf, the Iranian government has just issued a blanket statement denying any involvement—they claim they are too busy building a nuclear weapon to be involved in germ warfare.

Anderson: That’s very reassuring Christiane. But you can understand that here in New York conspiracy theories abound. Judy, how do you think these announcements will affect the political campaign?

Judy Woodruff:
Well Anderson, according to our sources, all the major candidates of both parties are currently conducting polls on the subject; they say they will decide on a response after they see the numbers. Although we do hear the Giuliani campaign is exploring the possibility that the infection could have been transmitted by a ferret. As you know when he was Mayor of New York City, Rudy Giuliani’s great success was spearheading the crusade against pet ferrets. It’s an issue he is deeply committed to and he would like to bring the issue forward to create national attention. But for now Anderson all candidates have issued statements expressing their deep personal and heartfelt sadness at the state of Wimsey’s anal glands and their hope that the support and good wishes of all Americans will be extended to Wimsey at this difficult time. They feel his pain Anderson and so do we.

Anderson: Thank you Judy. Very touching. There is nothing like a crisis to bring the American people together. I am sure it’s why everyone hates us so much. Now to help us understand the medical issues involved, we turn to CNN chief medical correspondent Dr. Sanjay Gupta. What’s the latest Sanjay?

Sanjay Gupta: Thanks Anderson. Well, as you know I am actually a neurosurgeon and while this usually doesn’t stop me from being an authority on every other specialty, I must admit I find myself a little out my depth here-- humans don’t actually have anal glands.

Anderson: Does this mean you won’t be gowning up and assisting in a spectacular and life saving surgery Sanjay?

Sanjay: Not this time Anderson. It’s the wrong end.

Anderson: Too bad, Sanjay. I know your fans will be disappointed. What else have you got?

Sanjay: Well Anderson, Wimsey’s physician declined to be interviewed—he claims he and his staff were too busy subduing a renegade Chihuahua. It sounded pretty serious, so I have asked Dr. Julie Horton, Medical Director of New York Veterinary Hospital to help shed light on the problem. Although not his physician, Dr. Horton claims to have actually met Wimsey. Isn’t that right Dr. Horton?

Julie Horton: That’s correct, Sanjay. He sat on me and tried to drink my caipirnha last Thanksgiving, so I can personally assure America that Wimsey is a robust animal with a will of iron—if anyone can defeat an anal gland infection, my money would be on him.

Sanjay: So what do you think of the treatment so far?

Julie: Well, it’s early days yet, but I understand that Wimsey is receiving round the clock nursing care and has just been prescribed a powerful new quinolone antibiotic—that’s like the drug Cipro for those of you who don’t enjoy curling up at night with a Merck manual like Dr. Gupta—so I remain hopeful.

Sanjay: And if the antibiotics don’t work, what’s next?

Julie: Well, that would be unfortunate Sanjay. Wimsey would then have to be sedated and have his glands flushed out.

Sanjay: Would there be gowns and masks involved?

Julie: Probably not, Sanjay, but the nursing would be arduous—multiple compresses and I am very much afraid that Wimsey would be forced to wear an e-collar.

Sanjay: An e-collar?! Surely that is an extreme measure. The psychological and behavioral effects alone could be devastating. We know how he feels about the Halti. And how would he even be able to pass through a doorway unaided? Well I know that all America hopes such a dire outcome can be avoided.

Julie: I think his humans would also echo those hopes.

Anderson: Well this has been another ground breaking edition of 360. If you or someone you know has an anal gland infection, please call the 800 number you see on screen for the latest information on this calamitous condition. Next up, the latest on Jamie Lynn Spear’s shocking pregnancy!

But rest assured, no amount of houndly ailments is going to impede my enjoyment of Christmas. I am anticipating much loot --. this year I am hoping to get a boxed set of Cesar Millan's books, Cesar’s Way and his new book, Be The Pack Leader: I want to shred them. (this guy still hasn’t gotten it: 1) hounds deserve to be the dominant species and 2) humans like it this way or else he wouldn’t have so many people to lecture on being the pack leader). I would also like tickets to a panty raid and a week’s vacation in a Chinese laundry. And of course more of those compresses and belly rubs under the mistletoe.

Well before I toddle off to have my tush attended to, it is time for another visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art. (it’s funny how few great masterworks deal with anal glands). But perhaps because of the surreal elements of my recent illness I have decided that we should examine the work of a very famous surrealist: "The Son of Man" (Rene Magritte, 1964, privately owned): Magritte was a Belgian surrealist who, when allegedly asked for a self portrait, painted himself as a businessman in front of the sea with his face obscured by a green apple. The use of the apple combined with the title might suggest that the modern businessman is “everyman” and the apple represents his temptation. Alternatively, Magritte himself said of the painting: Everything we see hides another thing, we always want to see what is hidden by what we see, but it is impossible. Humans hide their secrets too well... Well, whatever. Surrealists were notoriously cryptic and some believe that they deliberately create unknowable mysteries to mimic the human condition. But I find this painting distinctly incomplete. No true son of man can be unaccompanied by a Hound and if Magritte thought that humans hide their secrets too well, he never met a Hound. Maria is still looking for her favorite bra. Where is it? I’ll never tell. Son of Hound

I would like to wish you all a Merry Christmas and a festive holiday season. It’s time for me and my anal glands to take a walk and all I can say is: “New York, lock up your Santa Hats (or I will add them to my collection).”

Until next time,

Chief Tush Correspondent, Wimsey



Mack said...

Heck, I'd vote for you any day Wim, if I could vote and if I lived in New York.
Wow, that's really something, your anal glands made the news! You're in the big time now.
Merry Christmas,
Mack T. Beans

Biggie-Z said...

Wimsey, I'm sorry to hear about your anus. Mine is finally starting to feel better after a couple weeks of intermittent diary! Now i'm up in Vermont where it's really really fun to play in the snow. I almost made my Mommy slip while I was dragging her down the road. And I got to ride the ski shuttle bus!

Merry Christmas to you. I see some boxes near the tree that I should chew.

Love, Biggie

PerfectTosca said...

Wimsey, just stopping by to wish your gorgeous and clever self a very Happy Holiday.

Whoa that anal gland stuff is nasty. One of my cats had that problem and let me tell you we stayed away! It's rough being from Planet Uranus!