June 29, 2007
Hello Everyone, Wimsey here. Well, I am quite disappointed to report that I did not get to show last weekend--although I did get to have my usual terrific time at Wimsey Bath Night. The mounds of hair that I am capable of ejecting should be declared an eighth Wonder of the World (the Great Pyramids of Hound Hair, the Colossal Hound Hair of Rhodes, The Hound Hair Library of Alexandria, the Hanging Gardens of Hound Hair, etc) and better yet, it’s an endlessly renewable resource! I wonder if Hound hair can be used to replace fossil fuels. (“Oh look, the car needs more fuel; I guess its time to brush Wimsey again.”). None of this messing around with corn and switchblade grass and such—anyone who has ever lived with a canine can tell you that dog hair is a plentiful and inexhaustible resource. Plus, it’s ever so much fun to grow and to harvest. I am sure that some breeds would even produce a high octane hair—Jack Russels for instance. Anyway, I have always been intensely concerned with the environment—I thoughtfully fertilize vegetation whenever I can (I am a veritable walking bladder) and believe that soil needs as much aeration as my four dainty paws can provide. And of course, I try to leave as small a carbon footprint as possible (as compensation for the giant actual ones I leave all over people and furniture). But in spite of this, my human Maria believes that I am a major cause of global warming, particularly when I sit on her. And there is always the ongoing issue of methane gas emission… (“A heat-seeking, flatulent Hound is not helpful for global warming.”)
Now people in New York are also very concerned about the environment and Mayor Bloomberg has unveiled a plan to try and make New York as green as possible—very appropriate as Elizabeth (a friend of my human’s) says that when she worked on Wall Street she noticed that there were a lot of New Yorkers who wanted to have as much green as possible. And of course I would hope that New York would not just want to be green but Wimsey Green (green being the color that best shows off the red in my lustrous coat-- I insist my attendant humans wear it as much as possible.)
Upper West Side resident #1: Gee, our neighbor Maria always seems to be wearing green. Do you think she is really a leprechaun?
Upper West Side Neighbor 2: No, I think she is too tall to be a leprechaun—it would have to be the little one who is always hanging around here. Anyway, I think that big dog makes them wear it. He seems to have very firm ideas about fashion.
Now this is very true, but I have every right to be vain (although is it vain if you really are amazingly handsome?) In fact, only this week a passerby stopped Maria and told her that I was the most beautiful thing on the block (and it was a landmarked block too!) Maybe I should be land marked. ((“I’m afraid we can’t cut Wimsey’s nails—changing his exterior is against the law”)). Anyway, some fashionistas like to accessorize with Prada handbags and I like to accessorize with green-clad humans.
But on the subject of Mayor Bloomberg, all New York has been speculating about whether he is going to run for president:
David Frei: Welcome everyone to the Washington Invitational; the first of many events over the next eighteen months to showcase this year’s candidates. We should have quite an exciting line up for you here this evening.
Lester Holt: Yes David, it’s the first show of the campaign season and highly anticipated. Let’s watch:
Announcer Dave La Fave: May we have the Republicans into the ring please.
David Frei: This should be interesting. Many consider this group to be real underdogs this year. They’ve gone Best in their last two outings, but you know how judges like to see change. Let’s see how they do tonight:
Announcer Dave La Fave: The Giuliani is feisty—some even say combative—vocal and fiercely intelligent. It is said to be affectionate and humorous with its family although it can be harsh with its enemies. The Giuliani sometimes likes to masquerade as a member of the opposite sex and loves opera. Developed in New York, the Giuliani has primarily been used on rats, ferrets and other rodents. This is Giuliani number 5.
David Frei: Call name is “Rudy.” For all of you out there at home, the Giuliani is definitely not recommended for first timers. It’s strong willed and can be very difficult to handle.
Lester: Well, he seems to be gaiting pretty peacefully tonight. That said, I am not sure I’d want to be the one checking his bite.
David Frei: He changed groomers a few years ago and his more natural look doesn’t seem to be affecting him adversely at all.
Lester: Yes, the previous comb-over style can be a little hard to wear, particularly in an older animal.
Dave La Fave: The McCain is loyal, persistent and determined. He is a serious worker and exceptionally well suited to military work. This is McCain number 3.
David Frei: This is “John”. He’s the veteran here in the ring tonight, and you can see that he is moving a bit slower than the others.
Lester: Yes, the McCain has always been much admired, but perhaps not as popular as some of the newcomers to the ring. He’s been ranked quite high in the group in previous years, but this is expected to be his last try at a win.
DF: Well it looks like he’s wearing Phat Farm tonight to appeal to the younger judges.
Announcer Dave La Fave: The Thompson is personable, outgoing and loves the limelight. Those who favor him find him charming and entertaining. This is Thompson number 10.
DF: Call name “Fred.” He’s an actor in his spare time I understand.
Lester: Well that’s somewhat unusual, but he would be following in the paw prints of the great champion “Ronald” if he wins.
DF: Yes, I remember seeing “Ronald” go Best when I was a child. But of course the Thompson is a completely different animal.
Announcer Dave La Fave: The Romney is energetic and athletic and should present a handsome, yet forceful appearance. The standard calls for a square jaw and broad shoulders. Although generally outgoing, some find the Romney a bit aloof.
This is Romney number 3.
DF: Call name “Mitt” short for Milton.
Lester: Wow! He’s a beautiful specimen—he’s an absolute classic, isn’t he? And his grooming is impeccable—I wonder how often they bathe him to get that look. And the hair is magnificent also.
DF: Yes, I’m told there’s quite a bit of money behind him and he’s being campaigned quite heavily this year. He looks like he’s enjoying it though. You know in order to show well, it’s so important for these candidates to enjoy the ring. We’re told Mitt likes licking babies and playing shake.
Lester: Well, he’s certainly got the look the judges go for. Very typy.
DF: Well those are the Republicans, at least so far. As you know, we expect to see quite a few changes in the line up with each show, particularly after the big mid-winter cluster.
Announcer Dave La Fave: May we have the Democrats into the ring please:
DF: Look at them go! Always a lively bunch, they really respond to the roar of the crowd.
Lester: Considering how competitive it is, they are all so polite.
DF: Yes, biting another candidate is an automatic disqualification. Let’s listen.
Announcer Dave La Fave: The Clinton is known to be intelligent and articulate although the males are often excessively vocal and are known for their charming temperament. The females are very loyal and can make excellent companions if sufficiently challenged. This is Clinton number 2.
DF: Call name “Hillary." Uh-oh, what’s this! It looks like there is another Clinton gaiting alongside!. You know allegations of double handling have plagued this entry.
Lester Holt: Nevertheless she seems to be gaiting with surprising smoothness although she’s not considered the best conditioned of the candidates. Do you think she has a chance David?
DF: Well, it would definitely be a bit of an upset. But she is considered a strong contender for Best of Opposite. Of course the fact that a Clinton has recently won could be in her favor. The judges seem to like them.
Announcer Dave La Fave: The Obama is frisky, energetic and outgoing. In spite of their obvious intelligence they can be a bit messy to live with. The Obama is a pleasant companion and never quarrelsome. This is Obama number 4.
DF: Well the Obama is new to the show ring this year. New entries always cause a stir and they are what can make this event so entertaining. His call name is “Barack” and he looks like he is gaiting beautifully tonight.
Lester: Some critics say he gaits a little to the left, what do you think?
DF: You know, it’s these individual differences and styles that give the event its flair.
Announcer Dave La Fave: The Edwards is attractive, vocal and frequently has a mind of its own. The Edwards is persistent and should present a youthful and sleek appearance. This is Edwards number 6.
DF: Look how beautiful he looks tonight—his grooming is fantastic. You can carve out quite a candidate with the right amount of hair. He came very close to victory last time and now he seems even more determined.
Lester: Yes, his grooming is legendary. Rumor has it that his groomer gets $400 a session, but if tonight is anything to go by, it looks likes it’s worth every penny. What’s happening now?
DF: Well this is exciting. We’re apparently going to have a “Miscellaneous” class tonight!
Lester : Look! A Schwarzenegger has just sprinted into the ring. Look how fast he’s gaiting. They were originally developed in Austria, am I right?
DF: Yes, the Schwarzenegger was used for hauling weights. This is Ch. Pride of Vienna’s Mouthful of Marbles Conan the Barbarian, call name “Arnold.”
Lester: What’s that deafening noise!!! Is that baying I hear!
DF: Look it’s Wimsey and he’s chasing a Bloomberg into the ring!
Lester: I didn’t know that Bloombergs could run that fast.
DF: Normally not, but I think he’s trying to put as much distance between himself and Wimsey —he’s just been groomed and he’s seen what Wimsey can do to Central Park.
Lester: I understand that Wimsey considers the Bloomberg as more or less his head gardener.
DF: That’s right, and he’s been a pretty vocal opponent of some of the Bloomberg’s policies—like those that keep him off of the Great Lawn and Sheep Meadow.
Lester: Yes, but I wouldn’t give too much credence to these stories--you know how candidates are always slinging drool at each other. But I didn’t think that Wimsey and the Schwarznegger were eligible to run.
DF: Well, technically not, but I heard they are teaming up on a constitutional amendment. As you know the Schwarznegger is not currently eligible because he was whelped in Austria and although Wimsey is a US native he will be slightly under age in dog years at the time of the Best in Show finals.
Lester: I didn’t know that Hounds could run.
DF: Well Wimsey has consulted Chief Justice Roberts and it turns out that the framers of the Constitution neglected to define the word “citizen” very precisely and certainly not in terms of species. So really the issue is Wimsey’s young age.
Lester: Well I guess that means we could one day see Wimsey baying in the Oval Kennel.
DF: Indeed Lester. His supporters are hoping for that outcome. I am told he as already assembled a highly active Kitchen Cabinet. Well time to wrap up. For the USA Network this is David Frei and Lester Holt bringing you another installment of the race for the White Dog House.
Politics are so much fun, don’t you think. Anyway, back to me. So I have not been able to be shown for a while because I have a pesky cut on my elbow that I periodically reopen. My medical man says not to worry—it will eventually heal. In the meantime, the thought of me bleeding all over the judge (there are an inordinate number of small blood vessels in the area) has had a kind of dampening effect on my humans (“Look at all that blood! Wimsey will do anything to make himself more conspicuous”).
Well anyway, Maria is looking a bit chilly. Time to subvert the planet and go sit on her.
The Honorable Hound from the State of New York,