September 28, 2007
Hello everyone. It’s me Wimsey coming to you direct from the summery shores of New York’s Hudson River. Summer seems to have returned this week, which is a little disappointing since I am gearing myself up for a very frisky autumn season. Last autumn I was so frisky that I was demoted to the Gentle Leader. I don’t know if this fall’s friskiness will rise to those exquisite heights again, as I am after all a much more mature Hound this year, but my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth are keeping a close watch for any signs of incipient friskiness. (“Look! Wimsey’s ears are forward and his tail is up. Do you think he is about to experience a bout of friskiness?”)
I always look forward to the fall season though and the abundant availability of pee-able Central Park leaf piles. I am sure the Park’s gardeners wonder about what to attribute the annual disruption of their tidy leaf piles—nothing is more fun than joyously kicking leaf piles about with my hind legs while doing a 360. I am sure one day they will use surveillance cameras to catch me in the act and then I will be hauled off to Hound Court to pay for my infractions.
Hound Court Judge: Bailiff please read the charges against the accused Hound.
Bailiff: Wimsey, one Bloodhound of Manhattan County is charged with maliciously interfering with the gardening efforts of the City of New York.
Hound Defense Attorney: We object your Honor, we believe that Wimsey should more accurately be known as The Bloodhound of Manhattan County. We cite as evidence the actions of Pedi-cab tour guides who point him out to visiting tourists along with the other famous monuments of Central Park
Judge: Sustained. Bailiff please amend the charges to reflect the change. How does your client plead.
Hound Defense Attorney: We plead not guilty by reason of being a Hound.
Prosecuting Hound Attorney: But we have surveillance footage of your client not only decimating numerous leaf piles but relieving himself on them as well!
Hound Defense Attorney: But how do you know it was him? Isn’t it true that you believe that all Hounds look alike? Could you positively swear that the culprit wasn’t a renegade coonhound for instance? Or even a basset hound. My client is frequently mistaken for a wide variety of hounds. It is a well known fact that humans have trouble distinguishing one hound from the next.
Prosecuting Hound Attorney: No, it was him all right—he left a lot of saliva that we used for DNA testing.
Hound Defense Attorney: Is it not true however, that Hounds are widely known to be massively destructive.
Prosecuting Hound Attorney: Of course.
Hound Defense Attorney: Then would you not say that it constitutes both gross negligence as well as entrapment to have left enticing piles of unattended leaves directly in my client’s path? We cite the cases contained in The State of New York v. Hounds, volumes 1-26 as constituting ample precedent of the destructive power of the Hound. Did anyone consult these volumes before negligently and wantonly electing to leave unattended leaf piles in full view of a rampaging Hound?
Prosecuting Hound Attorney: No.
Hound Defense Attorney: Your Honor we move to have all charges dropped.
Hound Judge: So moved. Now who is going to pay for the bench your client ate during the proceedings?
But seriously, Fall is a wonderful time in New York. My humans sit in endless rapture in front of the TV watching the new shows whilst I sit on them, hunt the wily remote and shred the TV Guide. There is much for a Hound to enjoy in the whole human-TV love affair, especially as, in contrast to their use of the computer, their hands are free for countless happy hours of hound stroking. And then there is the endless procession of TV snacks of which I take my fair cut. All in all, a Hound could do worse than to participate in the fall TV season. However, as Chairman of the Wimsey TV Network I have some ideas for some new show improvements:
Houndlight: This is a show in which a detective turns into a Hound when the moon is full. Unaware of his condition, he wakes up once a month on a chewed up couch to find he has mysteriously tracked down a host of perpetrators. An enduring mystery is the origin of the yellow stains splashed on his walls.
Pushing Hounds: A gifted Hound has the ability to bring dead vegetation back to life. He then only has one minute to pee on it before it dies again.
The Bionic Hound: In an experimental laboratory a Hound is given powerful artificial legs and super sensory vision. It makes absolutely no difference as the Hound was always able to smell, hear and see better than his humans and to run faster and topple them effortlessly. The scientists conclude that the non-bionic Hound is powerful enough.
Kitchen Nightmares: A Hound is loose in the kitchen.
Hound or No Hound: Contestants open cases with a variable number of Hounds and negotiate with a mysterious breeder to try and obtain the minimum number of Hounds. Winners leave the show with no Hounds, losers get the entire litter.
Dirty Sexy Hounds: A documentary on Hounds.
Wimsey: a nerdy Hound overhears all the secrets of his humans. He doesn’t tell anyone.
Are You Smarter than a Hound? A group of human game show contestants are humiliated to find out that the answer is no.
Curb Your Hound (in your dreams): An irate New Yorker tries to bully a Hound toting human into having the hound eliminate on the curb. The Hound pees on him instead.
Well, I am happy to report that the weather has turned a bit cooler today so I need to obtain sufficient rest for a frisky evening walk. Elizabeth’s Hounding schedule (i.e. the amount of time she devotes exclusively to me) is being cut short by the continuing saga of her Indian deal so I need to make the most of the short times we have together—her right arm is starting to look quite short--almost the same length as her left one, a situation that calls for drastic remedies. But before I retire to my couch I want to do something a little different with this week’s Houndart: I call it Wimsey’s Homage to Warhol.
I am just as beautiful as Marilyn and aspire to be a pop icon also, so it is only fitting.
Until next time,
Wimsey, The Frisky One
PS: Maria and Elizabeth think I look like a Klingon when I nap.