Friday, January 25, 2008

Wimsey's Blog:Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 51
January 25th, 2008

Hello Everyone. Wimsey here, coming to you from the Upper West Side of Manhattan or Show Hound HQ as it has recently become. My humans’ pesky birthdays are finally out of the way and my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth are once again focusing their energies on the monumental task of preparing me for Westminster. As part of all of this, I have just been talking with my good friend Julia Szabo who writes a column for the New York Post and blogs for fetchdog.com. Now although Julia rescues dogs (she currently has six) she is kind enough to take a journalistic interest (will let you know if any articles are to appear) in my Westminster preparations (from which I might need rescuing myself)!

As an example, Elizabeth has prepared a giant Excel spreadsheet with all of our equipment and training needs and schedules logged in with military precisions (as in Westminster T-minus 18 days, 18:00 hours, begin fading cavalettis; introduce liver bait; place Cherrybrook order). Given her interest in military history I am worried that we will be invading a small country rather than going to Westminster.

Wimsey: Commando Hound

Commando Wimsey: OK Squad. Listen up. Today at 0600 we are going to invade a hapless country. Bear in mind that the primitive humans we will encounter have never seen a Hound.


Hound Sergeant: Why that’s shocking! You mean they get to eat all their own food, sleep alone in their beds, go to the bathroom by themselves and take four hour walks alone???? And what do they do for drool? And who teaches them not to get too attached to material objects and who does the landscaping?

Commando Wimsey: Well, as I said they are primitive. Now listen, the operation calls for extreme stealth—so there will be absolutely no baying.

Hound Sergeant: No baying! But we always bay when we have triumphed! That’s like saying there will be no raising the flag at Iwo Jima. It’s what we are known for.

Commando Wimsey: We don’t want to frighten them—so no baying until Hound Air Patrol has dropped the earplugs. We must convince them that we are here to help them.

Hound Sergeant: But that’s ridiculous! Surely they won’t believe that! We are Hounds. We only help ourselves. It’s our trademark.

Commando Wimsey: Yes of course a helpful hound is a ludicrous concept, but they don’t know that. And viewed in a larger sense, we are here to help: we combat human greed, sloth, materialism, pride, etc. -- especially pride. And I agree that whilst some of our methods might not be pleasant, when they step back and look at the big picture they will thank us. So the plan is to charm, beguile and ensorcell. Charm is, after all, a force multiplier. By the time they realize what we are really up to they will be a subject people--like all the other subjects living under the Pax Houndus.


Well, anyway, when you add up all my equipment, Elizabeth’s equipment and my training schedule it is quite an undertaking. Normally I would object but since I am the focus of it all, it can really be quite pleasant. Especially now as the boiled liver is back. And whilst the liver does cause me to fly over my cavalettis in a lovely trot, it is so intoxicating that the prospect of its drool producing goodness causes me to lose sight of what I am supposed to be doing to obtain it. A two edged organ meat, if you will. I experience massive sensory overload and all my neurons act with but a single thought: LIVER! LIVER! LIVER! GIVE US THE LIVER! I can’t imagine why humans want to smoke crack cocaine or do crystal meth when there is liver to be had. I wonder if it is illegal to marry liver. Or to worship it. If I were in charge of decorating our apartment there would be paintings of liver on the walls (I wonder if Picasso ever did a painting of liver?), sculptures made of liver in the corners and all the furniture would be liver shaped. And of course the refrigerator would be stocked entirely with liver (actually these days it pretty much is).

And so powerful is the spell of the liver that frequently on my post-cavaletti evening walks I charge ahead, wholly preoccupied with liver and then it is all “Wimsey’s not listening to his prong.” Well really the reason I don’t listen to my prong is because the prong is not saying anything worth listening to. Is it saying “Run over there and say hello to that dog?” Or “Here’s a nice vertical surface on which to pee?” No. It is saying none of these things. I mean why should I listen to equipment that is saying something with which I vehemently disagree? Kind of like asking Mike Huckabee to listen intently to the speeches of Barak Obama. A nice idea but not gonna happen. Maybe some day one of my pieces of equipment will announce that it is the equipment of change and instead of telling me to slow down will tell me to go faster. Now that would be a message worth listening to! (I wonder if Barak Obama has a position on charging Hounds.)

Anyway, I have quite an exciting weekend planned-- beginning with tonight’s Wimsey Bath Night. Not only am I to be fed a great quantity of turkey while being washed, but I am also to receive a rubdown with a chamois cloth to burnish my rich coat into a glorious shine (Elizabeth read about this in some book, but I am sure the authors did not anticipate its use on a leather shredding Hound; I hear chamois can be quite tasty). In addition, I am to receive the second of my giant Christmas rawhides to keep me quiet while the ladies swill their cocktails and endeavor to recover from the maritime rigors of bathing me. I have suggested a cocktail based on pureed liver but the ladies don’t seem very keen. Clearly they have no taste

Then tomorrow we are renting a car and driving to New Jersey-- first to see our blog buddies Nanook and Pooka with whom in the way of cyber friendships we have never actually met. I am definitely looking forward to meeting canines who are even larger than I am and I expect that after seeing me in action their humans will thank their lucky stars that they have newfs and not hounds (a disobedient newf is simply not in the same class as a misbehaving hound). And then after I stick my nose into everyone’s lunch (I am hoping there might be liver on the menu) we are off to take a show handling class in Eatontown. It should be quite fascinating to be viewed by someone who actually knows what they are doing.

This time Elizabeth will be doing the driving (she of the “what exactly is the difference between north and south—is it anything to do with uptown and downtown?”) but I understand that she is wisely enlisting the help of a GPS device. Maria will be in the back seat trying to keep my head out of the rear view mirror and my body out of the front seat, as she fears I might be tempted to respond to the GPS voice commands and to assist Elizabeth with the driving. (“Do you think Wimsey will come when called if the GPS calls him?” “Can we program it to tell him to trot?”). And on Sunday, Elizabeth is planning another marathon Central Park walk so we can bond some more but really I will just bound some more. So all in all, the weekend should offer a plethora of opportunities for some stunningly unruly Hound behavior.

But before I rest up for all this merriment, let us visit the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art. Now today’s entry is rather special because our painting is in honor of New York’s Metropolitan Museum of Art which has just reopened its painting galleries. In contrast to the frenzied nature of my life lately, I have chosen a painting that depicts some humans more sensible than my own enjoying a relaxing pastime:

Boating (Edouard Manet, 1874, Metropolitan Museum of Art). Notice the beautiful intensity of the blue palette and the unusual cropping of the painting which makes it feel as if we are about to step onto the boat ourselves. And of course we notice the feeling of light and air that are the hallmarks of all impressionist paintings. But see how much more relaxing the painting appears with the insertion of an indolent Hound lolling next to the sailor. Notice the helpful paw the Hound has placed on the sailor’s knee, alerting him, no doubt, to some navigational error he is about to commit. Wimsey Boating

Well, I think that is all for this week. For those who will be in New York, I will be at Madison Square Garden on February 11th. If you want to stop by the benching area, just look for a small human wearing a “Birth of Wimsey (and Venus)” t-shirt; Elizabeth is planning on wearing this Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art shirt (that is when she is not in the ring dressed in Wimsey green showing me) while she keeps me company on the bench (Maria will be wearing black as usual). So look for humans wearing artistic t-shirts, black clothes or a Bloodhound with the #12.

Until next time,

Wimsey, “show me the liver” Show Hound















4 comments:

Biggie-Z said...

You're going to see Nanook and Pooka?! How lucky of you! I wish I could play with other dogs but since Mommy surgery she can't walk me for months (although P-Daddy is going to be out of town for 3 days next week - we are not sure how she is going to manage that). Maybe in the next few weeks AFTER your Big Gig P-Daddy will take me to see you.

Hearts and livers,
Biggie

Edie said...

hhh

Edie & Gus said...

Greetings Wimsey,

Gus here, Alaskan Bloodhound of the Frozen Frontier again. (or should I say Alaskan Bloodhound, Frozen in the Frontier?)
Sorry about the weird post earlier. Edie was messing around with her computer, and well, what can I say, she is so totally human...

I too, agree that the hateful prong often has nothing worthwhile to say. I prefer to listen only when it says "Pull harder over the ice!" or "Drag your girl near the dropoff at the edge of the trail!" and even "Chase the moose!"

You are a very lucky hound to live in such a pleasant climate. With our major subzero temperatures, I have been limited to running the treadmill, wrestling with my coonhound sisters, and my favorite, playing "laser spot." I wish I could send some of our snow your way so you could frolic to your heart's content. Frankly, I am sick of it and wish for it to disappear.

Awhile back, you mentioned that you were mistaken for a malamute or some such thing. I also admired your photo next to the famed statue of Balto. (Edie was VERY impressed with this!) This brings me to tell you of a new situation on my homefront. Edie and the girls had the audacity to go out and purchase a gigantic sled dog harness........for ME! Just because my youngest girl races dogs with a friend, they think that I, a mighty bloodhound, should do the same. I believe I live in a house of insanity. I have chosen to treat the thing as The Enemy, which I will confound and seek to destroy at every turn.

I would welcome any advice on this unbelievable turn of events from a sagacious hound such as yourself. I am hoping that liver can somehow cure this travesty.

Respectfully yours in this time of need,
Trusty Alaskan Gus

Ash said...

Wimsey, you are looking magnificent. I can only think it is the liver, though maybe the chamois is helping the shine too. I do hope you wow them all on your big day.
I am very impressed with the art, BTW, the Two Girls and Wimsey is very cute and Wimsey's acute natural navigational skills are clearly to the fore in the boat.
Thank you for the very kind offer of puppy assistance - ahhh, if only...
Looks like it's a done deal with the new pup, though, and I fear my reign may be under question after the end of February when I think she'll be moving in.
Any tips on how to handle the 'she's getting four meals a day, how come I'm only getting two' scenario? And the 'wait a minute, it's ME that gets to lie across your knee, not some jumped up little cutie, still wet behind the ears'problems which I expect will ensue?