Friday, April 4, 2008

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 61
April 4, 2008

Hello Everyone. Wimsey here coming to you from the moist streets of Manhattan. April showers may bring May flowers but they also bring an exceptionally stinky bloodhound-- much to the olfactory delight of my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth. Now no amount of washing, scrubbing, toweling and Wimsey Bath Nights can totally eradicate my delicious scent (or not for long, anyway). I do admit that right after a bath I smell like The Griminator (my aptly named shampoo) but the natural ascendancy of my houndly odor quickly reasserts itself. As an example, I spent last weekend with Elizabeth whilst Maria was out of town and within minutes her previously pristine apartment smelled like Guess Who? So it was all “Wimsey is like those air fresheners things that you plug into an outlet and they quickly push scent into a room, except he doesn’t use electricity and he doesn’t smell like spring flowers. (More like the stuff used to grow spring flowers).”

Anyway, living with Elizabeth is always lots of fun— her apartment has a view over Riverside Park enabling me to keep tabs on the various goings on and she is also amusingly easy to disturb at night (earplugs and pillows over the head are no match for me). Now I really hate it when she wastes all that precious time sleeping when she could be entertaining me, so I am the Bloodhound That Goes Bump (and crunch) in the night:

Wimsey’s Guide to Fun Nocturnal Activities

The Classic: High Decibel Snoring

The loose folds of my bloodhound skin add an extra auditory dimension to this time honored activity (Wimsey’s tip: timing is very important to the success of the endeavor—snore only when a human is on the verge of or has just fallen asleep).

The Artistic: Bedding Rearrangement

Now this might not sound very loud, but Elizabeth considerately provides a large fluffy duvet next to her bed for me to sleep on and which from time to time requires some loud digging into, shoving at and snorting upon in order to bring it up to the Wimsey comfort standard. I am often referred to as the Picasso of the Duvet-- creating endlessly intriguing duvet shapes and conformations. (Wimsey’s tip: never use your mouth to rearrange bedding—it is too quick and doesn’t make enough noise; I find large paws with long nails work best).

The Midnight (or later) Snack

One gets so peckish in the middle of the night, so at some point it’s time to hit the bowl of kibble that has been thoughtfully provided for me. Now sadly this kibble is not actually next to the bed, but given the compact nature of New York City apartments one can create quite a stir even in the kitchen. Kibble crunching can create astonishing volume. (Wimsey’s tip: carrying some of this kibble in one’s skin folds and depositing it on the bed enhances the sleeping experience of the human).

The Water Works

What is a snack without a drink? Now here I really excel, both with respect to sound production and duration—listening to a bloodhound drink a large bowl of water at a leisurely pace on an otherwise quiet night (why hurry, the night is young) can be a soundsational experience. (Wimsey’s tip: it is important to stay well hydrated throughout the night, so frequent water bowl forays are encouraged; also sharing the experience by sticking your wet and dripping muzzle into your human’s face reflects well on the generosity of the hound).

The Flapping Ears

Now here hounds have a huge advantage in the production of sound. The noise made by our long and luxurious ears whacking against our heads can result in an impressive decibel count. This head shaking also has the advantage of distributing any unused kibble, drool and water into sleep defeating locations.

Miscellaneous Sound Effects

Scratching with loud grunts of pleasure, yawning and using the powerful bloodhound nose to create an array of exciting snorts and snuffles can be a surefire way to insure that your human does not dessert you for the charms of Morpheus. (Wimsey’s tip: once your human is awake it is extremely important that you assume a peaceful ((and noiseless)) sleep posture).

The Wake Up Call

My personal favorite. Fortunately Elizabeth’s apartment is very light so I am instantly alerted to the imminent arrival of dawn—that magical time of the morning when any self respecting bloodhound ought to be out and about acquainting oneself with the scent events of the night before and putting the product of nocturnal visits to the water bowl to the use nature intended.

Anyway, I had a wonderful time at Elizabeth’s and her pleasing raccoon-like appearance at the end of the weekend was much admired. Of course she did start calling Maria pretty early on Sunday afternoon for updates on exactly when she would return, but I expect that was because she wanted adequate time to prepare herself for my sad departure. But staying with Elizabeth did give me an idea for a new line of Wimsey personal care products:

Wimsey’s Line of Personal Care Products

Too many glamorous nights spent crunching the kibble with your Hound? Wimsey’s Kabuki under eye concealer is guaranteed to eradicate even the darkest circles!

Can’t put a comb through your hair because of glutinous gobs of drool? Never fear, Wimsey’ drool detangler is your new best friend!

Are people refusing to sit next to you in even the most crowded subway? Are strange dogs following you home at night? Wimsey’s “Un-Hound Me” cologne is the scent-sible solution!

Are houndly secretions getting your make-up down (and off)? Then Wimsey’s Water Proof makeup is for you (guaranteed against drool and saliva; anything else, you’re on your own).

Worried that your suave, continental French kissing hound could be turning your mouth into a Petrie dish? Try Wimsey’s disinfecting toothpaste for a whiter, less infectious smile.

Well the only other exciting event this week is that I once again got to go to the vet—this time to have a nice expensive ear cleaning and gunk culturing. Frankly I am a veterinarian’s dream—there should be a statute of me at all major vet schools

Non-life threatening

Isn’t this what human doctors become dermatologists for? No wonder the vet staff is always so pleased to see me. Of course my humans think they will save lots of money because the water fountains in Central Park are open again relieving them of the necessity of buying me $2 bottles of spring water. However they have neglected to factor in that Grom gelato season is about to begin and there are $5 cups of vanilla gelato with my name on them! But spending money on me is all part of the process of self-development that enhances the spiritual growth of my humans.

The Zen of the Hound: Wimsey’s Seven Steps to Wisdom

Step One: Denial: My hound loves me; He wants to please me

Step Two: Anger: Why doesn’t my Hound love me and want to please me!

Step Three: Acceptance: OK, my Hound loves himself and wants to please himself, but he is very cute.

Step Four: Deflection of Anger: Yes, I am sorry my Hound flung drool in your face, but it is very good for the complexion.

Step Five: Enjoyment: OK Look the Hound (stole my dinner, shredded my underwear, ate the couch, dislocated my arm, shoved me off the bed, slimed the walls, etc); Isn’t he cute!

Step 6: Affirmation: I am a wonderful person and I have a wonderful Hound.

Step 7: Sharing: I think you need a Hound.

Well anyway, there will be lots of excitement next week when I will be coming to you not from my habitual haunts here in Manhattan but from Harrisburg, Pennsylvania. (Very) early on Friday morning we are all heading out to a long weekend where I will be shown (three times!!!) and we will attend the Eastern Regional Bloodhound Specialty. This is kind of like a party for all the east coast bloodhounds and their humans and in addition to smelling my beloved Phoebe’s bottom (see last week’s post for her picture) again I am looking forward to making many new friends and to accumulating more points in the “America’s Worst Behaved Showdog”competition. (I think this could be a real winner as a reality TV series. Simon Cowl would really like me). So this week it will be all liver boiling and cavaletti-ing and Wimsey bath night-ing (with another visit from the German photography student who has become addicted to photographing me in the tub). And Elizabeth is feverishly researching GPS devices in the hopes of avoiding the creation of yet another personal episode of “Lost.” Of course Elizabeth listens to the GPS in the car about as much as I listen to her in the show ring, so I think she should save her money for my vet bills. Who knows, I might even acquire an expensive ear mite in Pennsylvania.

And now for our weekly visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art. Since I will be attending a grand event next week, such things have been much on my mind and I think it only fitting that we visit the Louvre to see Jacques-Louis David’s masterpiece The Coronation of Napoleon (Jacques-Louis David, 1806, Musee du Louvre, Paris). Now this painting commemorates Napoleon crowning himself and Josephine Emperor and Empress in Notre Dame Cathedral. But it is a little known historical fact that Napoleon was much more attached to his Hound than he was to his wife (an all too common phenomenon) so it makes much more sense that Napoleon would bestow the great honor on his beloved great hound. The Coronation of Wimsey.

Well now I am off to rest up for my busy week of training and keeping the ladies from having a mental meltdown over the prospect of crossing two state lines.

Until next time,

Wimsey, Imperator


Sinfonian said...

My daughter saw your picture, Wimsey, and said, "Is that a big dog?"

"Yes, honey," I said, "a very big dog." I opted not to explain the whole Napoleon thing, however.

Good luck in Harrisburg! Hi to your human ...

Biggie-Z said...

Hi Wimsey! Good luck next weekend. My dog parents, brother and sister are all being shown this weekend and I'm waiting for news of their exploits. They've been beating that bratty best kuvasz at Westminster lately, he he he. I would love to see my dog family at Westminster sometime.

You know, your houndly scent should also be bottled - Eau de Wimsey - guaranteed to clear a seat in the subway even at peak hours. 99% more effective than crutches!

My humans gave me a bath last Friday because I wouldn't let the doggie day care people wash me. I still wanted to play. My humans have a lot of respect for Maria and Elizabeth now.

Hugs, Biggie

Nanook and Pooka the Newfoundlands said...

Hey Wimsey! Just checking in - I can tell you've been keeping busy! My mama meant to get to the mythological creatures exhibit but it just didn't happen. *sigh*