Friday, January 30, 2009

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 104
January 30, 2009

Hello everyone. Wimsey here, coming to you from the ever exciting Upper West Side of Manhattan where winter’s charms continue unabated and where I continue to display the charms of my formidable ice dancing skills. My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth are worried that they will make Hound Ice Dancing an Olympic sport and that I will have another ring in which to misbehave.

Olympic Hound Ice Dancing

Peggy Fleming: Well Dick here we are at the Olympic Rink in Vancouver and we should have an exciting show here tonight.


Dick Button: That’s right Peggy, excitement is my middle name. For the first time ever Hound Ice Dancing is an Olympic Sport. But how did it happen so quickly? I mean dogsled racing isn’t even an Olympic sport yet.

Peggy: As I understand it Dick, Wimsey was drawing quite a few crowds with his scintillating ice dancing exhibitions in Central Park and they attracted the attention of the head of NBC sports who strongly suggested to the Olympic Committee that Hound Ice Dancing should be made an Olympic sport. I mean if curling is a sport, why not Hound Ice Dancing? At least people know what it is!

Dick: And here comes our first couple—it’s Wimsey and his partner Maria with a Viennese Waltz.

Peggy: The green, sequined leash and collar are a nice touch— ice dancing has always been the glamour sport of the rink. But are you sure this is a waltz, Dick—it looks more like a Quick Step to me.

Dick: No, it’s definitely a waltz—the music is from Tchaikovsky’s Swan Lake.

Peggy: But are those live swans legal Dick? They seem to have gotten Wimsey quite riled up.

Dick: Yes, Wimsey’s coach believes in providing positive reinforcement to bring out the exuberance of the dance.

Peggy: Well it seemed to have worked—Maria’s gone down on the ice.

Dick: That will earn Wimsey some extra style points because as we know, the waltz is known for its rise and fall.

Peggy: A stunning performance, Dick, especially that death spiral. It really looked like Maria was going to die! And I think the baying and shrieking duet at the end will definitely increase the artistic impression score. I can’t wait to see the Tangogogo from this exciting American pair and their fox trot is apparently going to feature some live foxes.

Dick: And the crowd loves it! Perhaps the Olympic committee should consider Hound Curling.

Anyway, speaking of show rings, the highlight of my human’s social year, The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show, is coming up and even though it was determined after last year’s performance to spare the world another of my masterful displays of baying, non-stacking and innovative gaiting, preparations are underway to have me meet and greet some of my bloodhound brethren. My humans also want me to make a favorable impression on one of my breeders who will be in attendance. (Something in the way she says “He’s just like his father” makes me think that a good impression might be necessary). To this end a bath is even being contemplated for next Friday, which should be an interesting experience since Elizabeth is caring for a little lady pit bull whose owner is sick. While I am perfectly agreeable to walking around with the genial little Heidi no one knows how I will feel about her making free with my second apartment (one which Elizabeth is under the misguided impression that she owns —which is generally true as long as I am not in residence), so the upcoming bath night could be more than usually exciting.

But I am still looking forward to bath night as this means another home cooked meal and, as you know, we Wimseys have quite a refined palette.

Wimsey TV Gourmet

Jamie Oliver: Today we welcome one of the outstanding gourmets of his breed, the galloping gourmet himself, Wimsey.

Wimsey: Ahrooh! A pleasure to be here Jamie, although I am also a Naked Chef. What have you got for me today?

Jamie: It’s comfort food day here and we will be tasting that traditional, gustatory treat, kibble.

Wimsey: Excellent choice. Jamie. Few people realize how interesting kibble can be.

Jamie: Good. Well first, here is some from Timberwolf Organics—it’s called Dakota Bison. Tell us what to look for Wimsey.

Wimsey: Well, first we assess the visual appeal: notice the unusual shape—very appealing to the eye, although it would be better if the kibble were actually bison shaped. I really think kibble should be shaped like the animals it is made from. Anyway, this is a very small kibble which makes it ideal for secreting in one’s wrinkles for later distribution in inconvenient places around the home. The bed is always a fine choice for kibble deposition, as is the bathroom floor---stepping on kibble with bare feet is remarkably painful. Now the aroma—we can smell how much this premium brand cost our humans to shell out for us in order to demonstrate their care and concern Next we come to the excellent crunchy texture—a good kibble should make a real racket during a middle of the night snack. A fine kibble should cause humans an infinite number of sleep interrupted nights. And the taste… well what can one say about the taste of kibble? Jamie?

Jamie: It tastes like rocks.

Wimsey: Exactly. That’s why we seldom really eat it unless it is mixed with a lavish amount of expensive viands.

Jamie: But then what is the point of the kibble?

Wimsey: No one really knows. I mean it’s not really a recognizable food is it? And it is seldom carried by fine dining establishments nor can you really cook with it, can you? (“liven up that Boring Bordelaise with a touch of shaved kibble...”). I like to think of kibble as more of an architectural, rather than alimentary element in my food bowl. And of course there is the beneficial exercise that toting home the thirty pound bags provides for my humans.

Jamie: And very grateful they are for that, I’m sure. That’s all we have time for today. Next week we will explore the theory that kibble was invented by silicon based extraterrestrials.

Well also on the subject of television, as might be imagined my humans watch quite a lot of it as social possibilities are very limited for people with large, demanding Hounds. I have been looking over some titles and here is what I think:

Wimsey’s TV Guide

Bones: An entire show devoted to a beloved subject.

Damages: A human acquires a Hound.

Ugly Betty: A Woman’s wardrobe post-Hound.

What Not To Wear: Things that smell like your Hound.

Crusoe: A show about a hot guy who never seems to be wearing a shirt who has built a luxury villa on a surprisingly busy deserted island that is constantly being invaded by undesirables, such as ruthless pirates. A very boring show as it has nothing to do with Hounds (except for maybe that’s why the guy doesn’t have a shirt).

Life on Mars: Life with a quiet, obedient Hound.

Cold Case: A Hound uses his nose to jab his human in the small of the back in the middle of the night. A very exciting show.

The Big Bang Theory: What was that????!!!!!!!!!! And where is the Hound????!!!!!!

The Bachelor: A show about a guy with a Hound.

Hell's Kitchen: A kitchen with a Hound in it.

24: Humans try frantically to Hound proof their home over the course of a day but are ultimately defeated by their Hound, Bauer.

Scrubs: What people with Hounds spend their life doing.

The Biggest Loser: A competition to see who has lost more of their possessions to their Hound.

Law and Order: Something that people who have a Hounds will never experience.

It’s Me or the Dog: Surprise! It’s you!

Anyway, with all this talk of entertainment I feel an artistic urge coming on as we head over to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art to look at this week’s selection. The Musicians: (Caravaggio, 1595, Metropolitan Museum, New York). As we have discussed before, Caravaggio was a master of baroque painting with kind of a wild personal life and in this painting, painted for his patron Cardinal del Monte, we see not only his self-portrait (the chap in the background looking at us) but also his boyfriend (the fellow playing the lute). This is not one of Caravaggio’s best efforts, principally as all the figures seem to have been painted separately and do not really relate to each other. But see how we can easily correct this problem with the insertion of a loud, magnificently musical Hound! See how the Hound, clearly in fine voice ties the central figures together as the lute player accompanies him and the background figure looks on in amazement. We can almost hear the acoustically robust bass baritone of the Hound as he indulges himself joyously in song! And see how his position in the painting draws us into the frame and makes us feel like we are withholding some boiled liver. Wimsey With Musicians

Well I think that concludes my epistolary efforts for this week. Time for a nice chew on the TV remote whilst I keep my human company.

Until next time,

Wimsey, the entertainment capital of the couch










7 comments:

Edie and Gus said...

My Dear Wimsey,
I am in total agreement. Hound Ice Dancing is a sport worthy of Olympic proportions. Of course, bloodhounds would always be favored to win, but I have no problem with that!

And good luck with the lady pit bull. Breed is not an issue, it is having to deal with ANY dog of the female persuasion that is nerve wracking. Just look at the two female hounds that I have to put up with. My sympathies to you. Oh, and how does the duck feel about this issue??

Your friend from far away,
Gus, Bloodhound of Alaska

Kim and Marlowe said...

My mom loves your hound related TV show ideas ... can she participate in "The Biggest Loser"? I have been very, very competitively destructive!

Love,
Marlowe the Beagle

Dughallmor Beagles said...

Aaarrooooo, dear Wimsey! Wot? Live foxes?? We're there!
We give you an 10.0 for your spectacular ice dancing performance :o)
Unsurprisingly, Scrubs is the programme our humans favour the most....and Law and Order is Snoop's actual kennel name. (our humans have yet to work out why!)
Slobbers, oh large and graceful one xx

Bentley said...

Another excellent post Wimsey!

Your outstanding humor keeps my humans occupied for a good amount of time, which allows me the opportunity to get in trouble.

They seemed especially entertained by the "ice dancing" descriptions. There are neither foxes or swans in the back yard, but I think a squirrel or two might be enough to give some extra exuberance to my towing and some extra style to my humans antics as they attempt to stay upright.

Marmalade said...

Hound ice-dancing--I love it. Me and Bernie had our own skating session this weekend--with a few wipeouts. Your people are brave--ours only walked us when the ice melted. Our new sport? Mud flinging!

Justin S. Parr said...

Wimsey, you're so cute!

Michelle said...

Hey Wimsey,

It is Riley the Catahoula here.

You should enter Mango Minster 2009 over at http://mangosgreatadventures.blogspot.com/

I know you can win the hound group because you are very handsome.
Good day,
Riley the Catahoula