Friday, April 10, 2009

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 114
April 10, 2009

Hello Everyone. Wimsey here, wishing you a Happy Easter from that egg rolling capital of the country-- New York City’s Upper West Side-- where scrambled eggs have been known to frequently and mysteriously roll themselves right into my slavering jaws. And lately these eggs have been accompanied by artisanal croissants, lovingly baked for me by my human Maria. Artisanal is the fancy term people use when they mean something doesn’t look or taste like it was professionally made—you know like when grandma knits you that sweater with an extra armhole. And the fact that I have been trained in an artisanal manner explains why I walk away when I am commanded to sit.

But these croissants were quite delicious as evidenced by the fact that their buttery goodness rated highly on the Wimsey Mushy Poop Scale but Maria’s friend Elizabeth claims that these croissants don’t taste like the ones in Paris. Well few things actually taste like they do in Paris which is probably a good thing, otherwise the ladies would be scooping my poop with a bucket instead of a bag. But of course if this were Paris the ladies would probably not be scooping at all:

Parisian Passerby: Sacre bleu! Your Hound has produced a veritable lake of merde!
Parisian Hound Lady: Yes, lac de merde is one of his specialties. I suppose I put too much cream in his Blanquette de Veau last night. Or maybe it was the crème brûlé he had for dessert.

Parisian Passerby: But what are you going to do about it?

Parisian Hound Lady: I suppose I will remove some of the skin from his poulet roti this evening and perhaps cut back a bit on the frites.

Parisian Passerby: But he has made a mess!

Parisian Hound Lady: Yes, he frequently does that. M onsieur should only see the state of my closet.

Parisian Passerby: I will call a gendarme!

Parisian Hound Lady: I don’t think he can fix my closet. My Dior is beyond repair to say nothing of the Chanel.

Parisian Passerby: Monsieur le Gendarme, look at the mess this Hound has made! He is a public nuisance.

M. le Gendarme: Mais oui. He is a Hound, non? But of course he is very beautiful, just like the charming lady holding his leash, which is all that really matters here in Paris.

Parisian Passerby: But aren’t you going to do something!

M. le Gendarme: Bien sûr I am going to do something. I am going to suggest to this dame charmant that she put less cream in her Hound’s sauces and feed more of the rice.

Perhaps we should all move to Paris. The French may hate Americans but they love dogs. Anyway, the irony of the whole affaire de croissant is that the fact that they don’t taste like the ones in Paris hasn’t stopped Elizabeth from eating them—although their number is such that I have been called upon to heroically donate my services to insure that they don’t go to waste.

Well this week it has been rather cool and rainy here—“April showers bring Hounds to pee on May flowers” and all that sort of thing-- but Sunday was warm and sunny so this week’s photos are in the way of being a bit of a tongue montage. And like everything else about me, it’s big. But never fear, the ladies carried two canteens of water so, contrary to appearances, I was well hydrated. We are all eagerly awaiting the day when the city turns the water fountains back on and the canteens become superfluous. At least for water. There was a proposal bruited about this week that these canteens are ideally suited for the carrying of margaritas to enliven my endless walks. Maria even proposed that every time I was bad she would take a swig but Elizabeth did not feel that this was one of her better ideas.

But we did take a little trip to the northern part of the park on Sunday because Elizabeth was under the delusion that the Conservatory Garden would be awash in Spring flowers. Sadly the garden was awash in green stalks, but we did get to take a walk along the Harlem Meer whereupon Elizabeth wondered what a meer was and why wasn’t it called Harlem Lake. Then the amazing thought struck Maria that perhaps meer means lake in Dutch. And they think I am not all that bright. But this bit of intellectual wizardry was quickly verified by use of Maria’s Blackberry Storm which appears at the drop of a hat whenever any type of question arises (Want the latest weather report in Ulan Bator and Maria will be jumping up and down shrieking “I know I know! and brandishing her phone). I also am very interested in this phone and any day now I will declare it Blackberry season. (IZf they didn’t want it to be eaten, why did they call it a Blackberry?)

But it is also tax season and apparently whilst snacking on some documents I inadvertently ate Maria’s 1099 which seems to be something that she needs. Everybody gets stressed out over tax season and the forms to be filled out seem endless and complicated, but I think there should be an additional form:

Hound Expense: Schedule H

Form H1001: Itemized schedule of emergency room and doctor’s visits, including, broken bones, sprained limbs, poked eyes, accidental bites caused by enthusiastic treat and toy taking and miscellaneous cuts and abrasions.

Form H1001a: Surgery and physical therapy for incidents detailed in form H1001

Form H1001b: Prescription drug costs for incidents detailed in form H1001

Form H1001c: Wages lost to due incidents detailed in form H1001

Form H1001d: Psychological counseling relating to incidents detailed in form H1001

Form H1001de: Psychological counseling relating to having to fill out a schedule H in the first place

Form H1002: Losses due to stolen possessions/clothing

Form H1002a: Losses due to stolen possessions/household goods and furnishings

Form H1002b: Losses due to stolen possessions/food items (including cooked and raw and items stolen whilst still in the refrigerator and from lightly defended countertops)

Form H1002c: Losses due to stolen possessions/electronics

Form H1002d: Losses due to stolen possessions/paper goods

Form H1002e: Losses due to stolen possessions miscellaneous (does not include structural damage to domicile)

Form H1003: Cleaning supply expense

Form H1003a: Painting expense for when products detailed in H1003 fail to remove drool stains from walls

Form: H1004: Hound washing expense and general odor control

Form H1004a: Damage to persons and property incurred during Hound washing activities

Form H1005: Carpet and upholstery exfoliation expense

Form H1006: Losses due to real property structural damage/walls and beams

Form H1006a: Losses due to real property structural damage/plumbing

Form H1007: Losses due to real property/landscape damage (including fences)

Form H1008: Damage to persons and property not ones own

Form H1009: Legal expense relating to losses of property not ones own

Form H1010: Legal expense relating to personal injury not ones own (includes the knocking over of minor children and/or senior citizens and the eating of toys and walking implements thereof)

H1011: Vetinary care/routine

H1011a: Veterinary care related to ingestion of foreign objects

H1011b: Veterinary care related to inadvertent injury when attempting to restrain Hound from incidents detailed in Schedule H

H1011c: Veterinary care related to inadvertent injury caused by chucking objects at your Hound in frustration

H10012: Gin expense

I mean people get deductions for children and kids don’t do nearly the damage of a well motivated Hound. I think Schedule H would make tax season a lot more entertaining and people would want to work for the IRS just to read through the Schedule H's. Perhaps people with thick schedule H’s would qualify for a supplementary hardship deduction as well as increased mental health benefits. Anyway there should be a special “My Hound Ate My Tax Documents” form that Maria could fill out. However, if the IRS guy had a Hound it might be different:

Maria: My Hound ate my 1099.

IRS Guy: He must be quite an interesting fellow! Most Hounds prefer the 1040, although I don’t want to brag but mine ate quite a lengthy Schedule D last year. It firmed up his stool wonderfully although as employee of the IRS you didn’t hear it from me. But of course we are often told to put our forms where your Hound put yours, just from the opposite direction.

Anyway, I think artisanal trained Hounds such as myself should definitely qualify our humans for some tax relief—it could be an earmark. Literally.

Well while we are on the subject of stealing food, let’s skulk on over to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art where we have an early Picasso on view. Le Gourmet (Pablo Picasso, 1901, National Gallery of Art, Washington, D.C.) This painting was painted at the beginning of Picasso’s blue period and we can see that the palette is suffused with blue tones. We also note the strong, simple lines and the weightiness of form that characterize much of Picasso’s figurative work. However, Picasso left much of the foreground of the painting empty which is rather puzzling. Also puzzling is the fact that the small child, who has clearly been left unattended and in possession of food, is standing about freely eating the food. But see how much more sense the painting makes with the insertion of a magnificent gourmandizing Hound! See how the large, volumetric Hound complements the sturdy figure of the small child and how the presence of the Hound adds to the dynamic tension of the picture. We appreciate how, at any moment, the Hound is poised to snatch the next spoonful of food the second the child attempts to put it to her lips. We notice how unperturbed the child is at the possibility. Perhaps it has happened before. Two Gourmets.

OK, time for me to review Maria’s latest tax returns. I will try not to leave croissant crumbs on them although perhaps a few drool stains might impress the tax inspector with the seriousness of her case.

Until next time,

Wimsey, a taxing Hound


The 'splorin' Wolfies said...

wow that was quite a story wimsey! and you are looking extra dapper in those pics! you must get lots of attention when you go out on the are SUCH A LOOKER!!!

Bentley said...

My humans would like to sign up for a few of those Schedule H deductions too!

Thanks for another entertaining tale - everyone here enjoys them!

Anonymous said...

The pictures of Central Park are lovely. I hope I get a chance to see it again.


Hannah said...

Oh Wimsey! My human andI love to read about your adventures! I actually like to watch you on youtube and love to see your pictures!

PS- Where can my mom and dad get a schedule H? They think its a novel idea!