Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #133

Entry #133

August 21, 2009

Hello Everyone. It’s me, Wimsey coming to you from my heavily air conditioned perch on Manhattan’s humidity laden Upper West Side. The weather has been frankly disgusting this week and for a Hound to find something disgusting is saying a lot.

And instead of a long Sunday walk in the park I got a long bath in the tub which, in spite of being fed a quarter pound of roast turkey during the proceedings, was not at all a happy substitute. And given that my regular bath is usually an evening affair, my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth were at a loss to entertain themselves whilst I slowly air dried. The usual post bath cocktail drinking was deemed inadvisable given that a late afternoon park perambulation was still to come. So they settled on trying (with an emphasis on trying) to read the Sunday papers, little realizing how difficult this could be in the presence of a bored, wet Hound. I got to display my virtuoso newspaper pouncing skills which greatly impressed Maria as she usually reads the stuff online.

But the good news is that at least for a few days the ladies were relieved of the obligation of apologizing for my stink to the hordes of aspiring Hound petters. It’s been all “He smells, he’ll drool all over you and he’s going to steal your water bottle. Still want to pet him?” But due to the hideous weather my walks and hence my interaction with the public have been somewhat curtailed as my humans have been less than eager to hang about dripping with sweat and chatting about me . And my cooling coat seems to have become permanently affixed to my fur --but I suppose it’s better than the trail of humidity soaked clothing that my human Maria leaves behind when we come in from a walk. As for Elizabeth, after walking me she walks straight into the shower. But it is all part of the privilege of being a New Yorker and taking care of He Who Must Be Walked A Lot.

West Side Hound

I’m living with a human named Maria

And suddenly she’s found

How disgusting a Hound

Can be

I’m living with a human named Maria

I fling drool in her face

And stink up her place

And produce gallons of pee

I’m living with a human named Maria

And suddenly that name

Sounds so inane

When bayed by me

Maria

Bay it loud and you’ve damaged her ears

Bay it soft and you’ve aroused her fears

Of what you have done

I’m living with a human named Maria

Her life will never be the same

(I crush her bones

And eat her phones)

And she can put the blame

On me

Maria

I’ll never stop annoying Maria

I’m the most persistent Hound

That she could have found

Poor Maria

And on Wednesday we had a rip snorting thunderstorm that downed many peeable trees in Central Park and Riverside Parks causing me much consternation. Maria thought we should go out for our evening walk in the middle of it, but sagacious Hound that I am, I not so respectfully refused. I eagerly await the advent of more clement weather so that my lengthy walks can be resumed. And as it turns out, this Sunday I will be short one member of the entourage. Elizabeth is going to the Hampton Classic Horse Show (yes in the posh Hamptons!) to help out with the ASPCA booth and agility event. Although I hate being deserted I am looking forward with intense pleasure to smelling her when she gets back and of course I am expecting a placating present (a pony!?) But I never understood the purpose of horse shows; I mean all the horses do is jump over stuff. I think Hounds could put on a much better show.

The Wimsey Classic Hound Show

Events

Ring One:

Open Jumper

Backyard fences

Baby gates 3’ and under (novice)

Baby gates 3’ and up (senior)

Returning humans 5’6” and under (novice)

Returning humans over 5’6” (senior)

Miscellaneous obstacles (including indoor and outdoor furniture and small children)

Ring Two:

Hunters on the Flat

Field Hunter Rodent (deceased)

Field Hunter Rodent (live)

Field Hunter Garbage (unbinned)

Field Hunter Garbage (binned)

Field Hunter Picnic

Field Hunter: Miscellaneous Repulsive Mystery Material

Field Hunter V-8 Skunk Challenge Cup

Indoor Sandwich Hunter
Indoor Family Dinner Hunter (cooked)

Indoor Family Dinner Hunter (raw)

Indoor Dirty Panties Hunter

Indoor Miscellaneous Dirty Laundry Hunter

Indoor Hunter: American Express All Possessions Challenge Cup

Ring 3:

Green Hound

Maiden Landscaper (holes)

Maiden Landscaper (ornamental bushes)

Maiden Landscaper (flower beds)

Maiden Landscaper (yellow garden gnome creation)

Senior Moonscaping Home Depot Challenge Cup (fence chewers also eligible)

Ring 4:

Puppy

Puppy Indoor Peeing (hardwoods)

Puppy Indoor Peeing (carpets)

Puppy Indoor Peeing (valuable Oriental Rugs)

Puppy Indoor Poop Hiding (behind couch

Puppy Indoor Poop Hiding (under bed)

Puppy Open Humper

Puppy Open Chewer (furniture)

Puppy Open Chewer (clothing)

Puppy Open Chewer (electronics)

Puppy Open Chewer (hands)

Valium Challenge Cup: All around worst behaved puppy

Ring 5:

Conformation

Novice Don’t Look at Me I Was Sleeping

Novice It Just Fell Over By Itself

Novice It just Happened, I Don’t Know How

Novice Are You Sure Your Shoes Didn’t Come Like That

Novice I Have An Evil Twin

Novice Clothes With Holes Are the New Black

Novice You Did That Yourself

Novice What Steak I Didn’t See Any Steak

Novice The Cat Did It

Anyway I think the Wimsey Classic would be a very glamorous event and be way more entertaining than watching horses jumping over fences. And speaking of glamour, it is time once again for us to visit the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art where we have a glamorous oldie but goodie—Rembrandt and one of his most famous paintings Man In Oriental Costume (the Noble Slav): (Rembrandt van Rijn, 1632, Metropolitan Museum of Art, New York). Here we have Rembrandt at his theatrical best: a topical subject —contacts with the mysterious East having been only recently established, an opulent golden light suffusing the rich costume of the dignified subject and the beautiful brush work of his most imposing hat. Yet somehow the painting is missing something. Something that can be remedied by the insertion of a magnificent and dignified golden hued Hound! The Hound’s demeanor lends even more gravitas to the man and his wrinkles and haberdashery echo those of the oriental potentate. We are sure he must be a wealthy and powerful man to be accompanied by such a glorious creature as this Hound. Wimsey and Man in Oriental Dress (the Noble Hound).

Well that’s it for this week. Let’s hope for a change in the weather around here. I will be making my ritual supplication to the Hound Gods (hint: it involves a lot of leg lifting).

Until next time,

Wimsey, winner of many challenge cups