Thursday, September 24, 2009

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #137

Entry #137
September 25, 2009

Hello Everyone, Upper West Side Wimsey here coming to you as usual from the fair isle of Manhattan. I have been a bit under the weather this week with a tummy bug but am still enjoying the temperate weather with which the week has been blessed. My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth, though, are noting with dismay the dwindling hours of daylight which means that my early evening walks will be shifted out of Central Park. Even with an imposing Hound like myself accompanying them, the ladies are not keen on roaming about the park in the dark. Perhaps it has something to do with their awareness that I am more interested in sniffing leaves than in protecting them. The prevailing view is that I have zero utility (or interest) in guarding anything other than my right to pee resplendently on all vertical surfaces.

Anyway, it has been a bit warm here which means that Elizabeth and I have been down to The River (the Hudson River of course. Are there others?). Which also means that we have been visiting endeavor the Boat Basin Café at the 79th Street marina with some regularity. And I have included a photo of me on my way there executing another successful bay to make the red light change to green. It’s a very popular with the folks whose apartment face street corners.

Now the Boat Basin is a place where dogs are allowed and everybody knows my name (but not that of my humans) and I am much admired and frequently awarded biscuits on account of my being unbearably cute. Then I usually “persuade” Elizabeth to have a beer (draft) so I can play with the plastic glass afterwards. Here you see me giving her my best “drink up” look.

In any case, although the days are short the temperatures have remained warm,-- a phenomenon Elizabeth is convinced is caused by the fact that she ordered a new Fall Hounding Jacket from LL Bean. Fall brings Fashion Week to New York City and the intense perusal of LL Bean catalogs to my humans. Their focus on fall Hounding attire makes me think I should have a tent in Bryant Park:

Fall Fashion Week: The Wimsey Collection

Tim Gunn: Welcome fashionistas (or should I say Houndinistas) to the premiere of the Wimsey Collection. Fern as the director of New York Fashion Week have you ever seen anything like this collection?

Fern Mallis: No Tim, I don’t thing anyone has, which might be a good thing.

Tim Gunn: Well we hear that Wimsey was very disappointed that there were no actual cats on the catwalk.

Fern Mallis: That’s correct Tim. He felt that chasing a few cats would be an excellent way to work out the pre-show jitters. But let’s get on with the show!

Tim: By all means, Fern. First up is the Wimsey Trench.

Fern: It seems to be entirely made up of pockets.

Tim: That’s right Fern. When you consider all the things that Wimsey’s humans need to carry for him Wimsey felt there would be no room on the coat for anything else.

Fern: A very stylish alternative to those hideous packs his humans now use. Next up we have a waterproof mid-weight jacket. I suppose this is designed for those rainy autumn tows through the park.

Tim: Actually they are to protect the wearer from the drool, not the rain. The fabric is of a special design that causes the viscous drool to slide off rather than collect in disgusting great globs. And you will notice that it is available in a new fashion color that Wimsey calls “Drool Flecked With Mysterious Crap.”

Fern: Oh look, here are a pair of pants. What are they made of?

Tim: It’s a new fabric Wimsey invented—flexible rubber. It allows the wearer to comfortably assume all of the contortions necessary to locate and pick up poop that has been deposited in inconvenient locales. The rubber protects the wearer not only from drool but from the rain and dew laden plants upon which Wimsey likes to poop. And the pants are accessorized with poop resistant gloves. So much more elegant than the wipes currently used to clean the inevitable poop smeared hands.

Fern: And I like the shoes—the high cleats are especially sexy.

Tim: Yes, and they are coated with a thin film of Crazy Glue. This prevents the lucky wearer from slipping on wet autumn leaves and mud or from hydroplaning across a street when being towed vigorously by a Hound in the throes of the Autumnal Friskies.

Fern: And here we have a lovely dress. But what’s that underneath it Tim?

Tim: They’re shorts designed to protect against the incursions of a cold, wet nose onto one’s sensitive bits. Hound fanciers wear dresses at their peril. It’s also designed with modestly in mind as a counter measure to the well known muzzle dress lift maneuver.

Fern: Well, I love the accessories, especially the poop bags designed to look like Hermès Kelly Bags and the futuristic hat with the Plexiglas veil.

Tim: I don’t think that’s a hat, exactly Fern. It’s actually a face shield meant to counter the facial dirt that often results from enthusiastic post poop kicking activities.

Fern: Very fashion forward, Tim. Especially with all this talk about going back to the moon. And this sweater coming down the towway is to die for.

Tim: Yes, it’s already made of Hound hair so the mound your Hound sheds daily won’t matter a bit. And now for the grand finale- the traditional wedding dress.

Fern: I’ve never seen one in black and tan before.Tim: Well the color is a moot point Fern. The dress is a fantasy—no woman who lives with a Hound will ever have the occasion to wear one.

Well in spite of my gastrointestinal issues, it’s been a pretty good week. On Sunday my walk was delayed though because Elizabeth was helping at an Animal Planet filming of the therapy dog class in which she assists. I don’t think she was much help though—mostly she stood around looking puzzled at dogs actually listening to their humans. Of course, I too am a therapy dog, it’s just that I cause people to need therapy rather than my actually providing it.

And because of my tummy ailment my projected visit to Maria’s office has been delayed. I am sure the delay is a huge disappointment to her colleagues who have been clamoring to meet me. There has been talk of offering me slices of bacon and cups of gelato to curry favor. Maria works for someone she refers to as “The Chairman” and I keep wondering if her job involves Kitchen Stadium and secret ingredients. Personally, I think I would make a rather good Chairman (although I am really more of Couchman myself):

Iron Chef: Wimsey Edition
Alton Brown: Welcome to Iron Chef Wimsey Edition. Chairman Wimsey is just about to reveal the secret ingredient.

Kevin Brauch: Well let’s hope it’s not as tough as last week’s. It’s hard to make decent food out of TV remotes.

Alton Brown: That’s true, but I think the squirrel challenge was harder. Very few of the chefs were able to catch any.

Kevin Brauch: But the toughest one may have been the brassiere challenge.

Alton Brown: Yes, that was a show stopper. Anyway, the Chairman is entering the Stadium.

Chairman Wimsey: Ahrooh, Ahrooh, Ahrooh..

Alton Brown: Can someone make him stop baying. He blew out the sound guy’s ear piece again. Here Chairman Wimsey why don’t you shred the script while you tell us what the secret ingredient is.

Chairman Wimsey: I already ate the script. What else have you got?

Alton Brown: How about this roast chicken.

Chairman Wimsey: Is it stolen?Alton Brown: Yes of course. We rigidly adhere to your dictum that stolen food is of superior flavor. It was Mario Batali’s lunch.

Chairman Wimsey: Well the secret ingredient is…..Shoes!

Alton Brown: Ah, a “Sex and the City” challenge.. Very New York.

Kevin Brauch: OK, Bobby Flay is grabbing the Nikes. Wonder what he is up to.

Alton Brown: He’s also grabbed some nectarines? What’s that about?

Kevin Brauch: He’s poaching everything. Apparently he’s making a poached Nike and Nectarine dessert.

Alton Brown: Sounds delicious. I like the design he is making with the shoe laces. But he’s a southwestern guy—I felt sure he’d go for the guacamole and Gucci tacos. But the Chairman is known to be very fond of Nikes.

Kevin Brauch: The use of sneakers definitely demonstrates the flair that Flay is known for.

Alton Brown: What is Mario Batali up to. I see he’s grabbed the Ferragamo pumps. Very traditional.

Kevin Brauch: Yes, he’s sticking with his Italian roots. It seems he’s preparing fettuccine a la Ferragamo with roasted garlic and pine nuts---one of his Grandmother’s recipes I understand.

Alton Brown: Well my granny’s meals certainly were an homage to shoe leather. What’s Chef Morimoto up to Kevin?

Kevin Brauch: He’s picked up a medley of soft Italian loafers and is slicing them thin. It looks like a sushi platter. He’s also boiling up some Jimmy Choo stilettos for his pan Asian miso soup specialty he calls Chooso Soup.

Alton Brown: Sounds like something the Chairman will really enjoy stealing, although I am concerned that he will find the texture of the fine Italian leather a bit insipid. And how about Cat Cora—the Chairman always roots for her based on her name by the way.

Kevin Brauch: She’s making a classic Mediterranean salad of mixed field greens, baby artichokes, anchovies and shaved Manolo peep toes. That’s followed by braised Robert Clergerie sling backs in bordelaise sauce garnished with ballet toe shoes and accompanied by Louboutin frites. Very French. The Chairman as you know claims French heritage of which he is very proud.

Alton Brown: Well it certainly sounds like an exciting line up of dishes. The crew can barely restrain the Chairman; they’re trying to distract him with some roasted Reeboks.

Kevin Brauch: Yes, I understand he’s judging tonight’s competition.

Alton Brown: That’s right Kevin, this is the Chairman’s specialty—he’s had more shoes than Imelda Marcos.

Well anyway all this talk of food is making me hungry. But before I go, I would like to share with you these photographs sent by out friend Ilonka, Marmalade the Magnificent of Maryland’s human. She, like my human Maria, is of Hungarian descent so she was delighted to see this picture of the Matthias Fountain outside the royal palace in Budapest. The fountain was sculpted in 1904 by Alajos Stobl and depicts King Matthias I of Hungry (1443-1490) after a hunt. (Of course with all the wars, decapitations, hostage taking and such it is a wonder he had any time to hunt). And look what we find! Three gorgeous bloodhounds in classic hound poses (although rumor has it that a fourth bloodhound was to be depicted trying to steal the dead stag). The fountain is the most photographed object in the palace. The curators think it is because of the quality of the sculpture but I know it is because of the presence of the Hounds!

That’s about it for this week.

Until next time,

Chairman Wimsey


Bentley said...

Wimsey, I hope you are feeling better soon. A tummy bug is no fun.

And even though you are not feeling 100%, your post was one of the best ever! I think my mom wants one of each item in your fashion line (pockets, pockets and more pockets - a good thing!), and the picture of the sculpture is fantastic.

Will you let us know when the Animal Planet show is aired? Beau goes on therapy dog visits, but my random shyness seems to have made mom a bit hesitant to take me on visits.

Marmalade said...

Love the entry Wimsey. Marmalade the Magnificent indeed :) Hope you're feeling better soon. Isn't the fountain spectacular? I especially like the hound that's sniffing--ignoring his king and everything else. Who knew that Hungarians and bloodhounds have such a long history.

Cindy said...

Gorgeous pictures of a great hound dog!

Michelle said...

Hi Whimsey!

This is Jada, that adorable little brindle Great Dane you met this weekend. Just wanted to say and stuff. I dunno, maybe I will, like, see you around some time. It was really nice to meet you and your humans. My auntie Michelle says 'hi.'

Woof woof~

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