November 13, 2009
Hello Everyone, Wimsey here, coming to you from New York’s Upper West Side where despite some gloomy weather I have been dispensing my usual brand of Hound cheer. Usually this takes the form of thunderous bays, airborne drool and clouds of stink, but sometimes it’s as simple as chewing a stick. They are not visible here but at one point I had a crowd of people watching me retrieve this stick from behind the railing. Of course the stick retrieving was all in aid of introducing a delay into the process of leaving the park and the audience and subsequent chatting did provide extra assistance for this important endeavor. I suppose very much like celebrities everywhere, even my most trivial activities are observed and discussed with great interest.
Admirer 1: Oh look there’s Wimsey! How exciting! He’s sniffing that bush. Isn’t he magnificent? He looks even bigger in person.
Admirer 2: I wonder what kind of bush he’s sniffing? Can we buy that kind of bush? Or perhaps he’ll autograph it for us.
Admirer 1: I’m not sure you’d want his actual bush autograph. But all the bush sniffing has produced a wad of drool. Quick if we get close enough perhaps he’ll fling some on us. I’ve never been drooled on by a celebrity before; I'll be the envy of all my friends.
Admirer 2: And what is he wearing today? Is that a new raincoat?
Admirer 1: Yes and I believe it is designed by Outward Hound. I wonder if they make one in my size.
Admirer 2: And look how buff he is. What’s his secret? How can a dog that eats Grom gelato stay so ripped. What gym does he go to? I want to join!
Admirer 1: I read in Hound Magazine that he attributes his svelte figure to towing hundred pound plus humans around the city for hours and hours and hours and then more hours.
Admirer 2: Does he have a fitness video I can buy?
Admirer 1: I don’t think he wants to share his secrets. In fact he is not big on sharing anything. It’s an integral part of his philosophy. He’s very spiritual you know, he’s following a Houndist path. But of course everyone shares with him on account of the fact that he’s so cute. It’s all part of Houndism.
Admirer 2: Can I become a Houndist? I’m eager to join an exclusive celebrity cult that no one’s heard of yet. Is there a Maharsihi involved?
Admirer 1: I think you’re a couple of legs short of their requirements. In any case I doubt you could pass the nose test—you have to be able to identify people on the street who haven’t changed their underwear and embarrass them.
Admirer 2: I guess that could be pretty tough. Also I’d probably get arrested. But what about Wimsey’s beauty secrets--what shampoo does he use and who does his hair?
Admirer 1: I read that he uses a special formula that is quite hard to find. It’s called the Griminator and as far as his hair, he is a big believer in the tousled just got off the bed look. I understand he washes his hair as little as possible so as to enable it to retain its natural oils and fragrance. But I did hear a rumor that he enhanced the luster with Crown Royal Finishing spray and a good rub with a chamois cloth.
Admirer 2: Ooh! I’ll buy those immediately. I want to be just like him.
Admirer 1: Yes, everybody does.
Anyway today is Friday 13th which is supposed to be unlucky but my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth are never unlucky since they get to spend so much time in the presence of an adorable towing, lap sitting, food filching, bone crushing Hound such as myself. I mean how lucky is that?
Well it has been a pretty good week here although on Sunday there was an attempt to get me to wear the Goofy Hat that Elizabeth brought back from Disney World. Fortunately it did not fit very well so the effect was not as aesthetically pleasing as the ladies had hoped and I expect that I will get to wreak my revenge on it shortly. Personally I think it will make a much better stuffed toy than hat.
And on Sunday, in addition to the park, we ran around the neighborhood doing errands which mostly entailed my trying to trash pet stores while the ladies shopped for a big enough bag of new food for me (I am switching to Orijen) and hanging out in front of Fairway which I routinely turn into the Hound Information Center and Wimsey Petting Zoo.
Also during the week I decided to augment my afternoon walk by exiting Central Park at Fifth Avenue and checking out the goings on at the Metropolitan Museum of Art (for those of you who miss our little visits to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art ((wimseyhoundart.blogspot.com)) I am hoping to arrange a visit again soon). As you know I am a well known art connoisseur and as an added bonus the Met’s plaza is now crowded with food carts which adds considerably to the olfactory pleasure of the experience.
Here I am in front of the Met and I am especially pleased with my fierce “Warrior Wimsey” pose in honor of the Art of the Samurai sign. But of course being a warrior is unnecessary for a Hound; we get what we want by less violent if more devious means. A Hound that uses force needs some classes in remedial Houndship, the whole point being that we make people actually want to give us what we want. Sometimes they think it is their idea and sometimes they just give up in the face of our relentless persistence. But we Hounds are nothing if not students of Sun Tzu and his Art of War (“All war is based on deception” and “The greatest conqueror is he who overcomes the enemy without a blow.”). On this basis alone I am sure Sun Tzu was an admirer of Hounds. The Samurai of course lived in Japan and not China and had a code of which we Hounds would have found uncongenial—obedience, loyalty, honor, etc. These things are best left to the humans who serve us.
The Code of the Hound
Never give up
Never give up
Never give up
Never give up
Never even think about giving up
Anyway, I had some more fun in the park this week with Elizabeth’s friend Nancy and her little daughter Alicia. Alicia is getting quite brave and even had the courage to touch me. But one of the best things about Alicia, apart from her interest in me, is the fact that she is often in possession of meals which she chooses not to eat. Well, of course waste is a terrible thing and I would not like to see Nancy feel bad about wasting food, so I often generously step in and offer my alimentary services. Here I am being fed a tasty hot dog. And Alicia has also been observing my tactics for delaying the end of our visits to the park. Now just like me, she begins walking v-e-r-y slowly and climbing up on park benches and refusing to move. She is an excellent pupil. Nancy says that I am a bad influence, but at least she hasn’t started chewing sticks. Nevertheless I think it is the duty of a sagacious Hound like myself to impart my wisdom to the next generation of cute manipulative beings. In any case if Nancy has too much trouble she can always go on one of those nanny TV shows like Nanny 911. Personally I think there should be one for Hounds.
Hound Nanny 911
Client: Hound Nanny, thank heavens you’re here! My Hounds are making me crazy.
Hound Nanny: They’re Hounds. They’re supposed to. But let me analyze the situation, tell you what you are doing wrong and humiliate you on national television.
Client: Sounds great!
Hound Nanny: Perhaps it’s not the Hounds that are making you crazy. Maybe you were born that way. Now first, let’s talk about exercise. Most people think the Hound is a dog, but really the Hound is a nose (also a stomach and another equally crucial bit which we won’t go into right now) and the nose must be appeased constantly. This entails many hours of happy outdoor fun watching your Hound stick his nose into disgusting smelly things and using it to track down even more disgusting smellier things. Do you ever attempt to get your Hounds to heel?
Client: Yes, Hound Nanny. We watch all the TV shows that say this is the way to get the Hounds under control.
Hound Nanny: The words “hound” and “control” should never be used in the same sentence. You’ll live longer. Anyway, heeling is inimical to the health and well being of the Hound. Besides they’ll get a lot more exercise if they’re towing you. You must learn the two acceptable Hound walking positions: Position One (which I call The Pose of the Tight Rope Walker): In this position, the leash is held in one hand with the arm and shoulder fully extended creating a smooth and beautiful line. The body is angled sideways whilst the remaining arm trails gracefully in the air for balance. The stability of this elegant and classic position is such that it can be assumed both at the walk and at the trot (Yours. Hounds, especially those familiar with the show ring prefer to gallop or to pace). Position Two (which I call The Pose of the Terrified Water Skier) is an excellent position for remaining upright when your Hound is feeling exceptionally frisky. The leash is grasped firmly with both hands, the knees are slightly bent and the abdominal muscles are engaged, all of which provides maximal stability in the face (or backside) of a powerfully towing Hound. The voice must remain quiet as yelling such things as “stop,” “slow down” or “help” will only encourage the Hound’s vigorous nature.
Client: Thank you Hound Nanny. And if the Hounds are tired will they behave?
Hound Nanny: No. At least not while they are awake. But all the exercise will encourage a more extended napping process. And in aid of this, the Hounds must be allowed to nap wherever they choose, even (and especially) if it is in a space already occupied by you.
Client: And what about the fact that the Hounds like to steal my food and possessions?
Hound Nanny: Sharing with your Hounds will increase your bond with them. They’re going to get your stuff anyway so you might as well make it look like it was your idea. Yelling at them will only increase their fun. And look on the bright side, the Hounds will give you the opportunity to constantly redecorate your home, re-landscape your yard and buy a new wardrobe. Also, all those unwanted Christmas and birthday gifts make excellent regifts for the Hounds.
Client: And how about when the Hounds slime my guests, knock them over or make them smelly?
Hound Nanny: Get new friends. Preferably those with Hounds. Anyway, after you’ve all enjoyed a strong cocktail the Hounds won’t seem so bad.
And of course no week would be complete without a little playtime with one of my friends. This is Jada the majestic brindle Great Dane. On our last meeting she declined to play with me but my manly charms have at last won her over (or maybe it is the beauty of my flying flews and ears).
Anyway, we are all hoping for a bit better weather around here and as the holidays will soon be upon us I am making my list and checking it twice as I intend to get everything I want and to give my humans nothing. It’s the Houndist way.
Until next time,
Maharishi Mahesh Wimsey, author of Houndism: How to Make Humans Your Slave By Being Loud, Smelly and Obnoxious
Thursday, November 12, 2009
Posted by Wimsey at 7:43 PM