Thursday, January 7, 2010

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #152

Entry #152
January 8, 2010

Hello Everyone. It’s me, Wimsey, coming to you from the delightfully wintry Upper West Side of Manhattan where the season of bundling up has begun in earnest, even for me. My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth now engage in a daily debate about which of my two coats is the most appropriate for the day’s climactic conditions: my fleece or my Cloud Chaser (I go on record as recommending that the name of this coat be changed to the Squirrel Chaser). Dopplers are consulted, wind speeds are analyzed and the merits of each choice are carefully considered. My humans have become such meteorological experts that I expect to see them soon on The Weather Channel issuing a daily Hound Report (And they already have the Weather Channel LL Bean wardrobe!).

Wimsey’s Weather Channel

Al Roker: Hello there all you at home who have nothing better to do than watch a TV show about the weather. I bet the folks at NBC are pretty peeved that they didn’t think of this concept first. But here at The Weather Channel, weather is always thrilling--no amount of snow is too small to be a blizzard and no amount of rain lacks the potential to cause disastrous flooding. And today we have a special feature—a weather report live from New York City featuring Maria and her Hound Wimsey. So what is it like in the Big Apple today, Maria?

Maria: Thanks Al, although I want to mention that Wimsey thinks The Big Weiner is a more descriptive name for a city where hot dogs are so freely available and so often shared with large Hounds with hungry eyes and soulful expressions. But as far as the weather goes, this morning the direction of Wimsey’s nose indicates that the wind is out of the north-northwest. And judging by the degree to which his ears are off the vertical, I’d say we’re looking at a wind speed of about 15 miles an hour with stronger gusts.

Al: But what is the day like?

Maria: Well winds from the north-northwest carry the faint, delectable scent of braciole emanating from New Jersey mixed with a whiff of the Jersey wetlands although marred a bit by notes of Rhone Poulenc. Overall, I’d say today will feature a pretty good breeze carrying some worthwhile scents.

Al: But what is the temperature?

Maria: Ah well, it’s a good temperature for Wimsey’s Ferrari Red Cloud Chaser coat and I can tell you that based on Wimsey’s olfactory enthusiasm this morning, the overnight frost trapped a superb amount scent so it should be a really nice day here.

Al: Does that mean it’s sunny?

Maria: No, Wimsey dislikes strong sunshine. He prefers gray damp days that enhance the natural fragrance of the earth. It facilitates the tracking of New York’s bushy movable feast.

Al: Well is there anything else you can tell us about the weather Maria?

Maria: Yes, conditions are ideal today for maximum squirrel activity.

Al: But do people need to bundle up or take an umbrella?

Maria: Well that depends on how they feel about being cold and wet, which is not really of interest to Wimsey. The forecast calls for a fine, fragrant day here in New York with squirrels in the morning and a chance of a raccoon towards evening. Back to you Al.

Well, anyway, what can I say about this week--it’s been rather dull around here. I spent a few days with Elizabeth on account of Maria having a bad cold and needing some bed rest (in my bed no less!) and Elizabeth discovered that I have a pill schedule that requires an excel spreadsheet to manage.

Elizabeth also unearthed the fact that Rite Aid’s pharmacy has an inexpensive generic drug plan and decided to go fill in the form for their discount card to get me my next few weeks of Cipro. The clerk informed Elizabeth that owing to the fact that it was my name on the prescription I would have to be the one to fill out the form. After explaining that my tastes and abilities run more to shredding forms than filling them out, Rite Aid relented and filled the prescription. I did take exception to the fact that all the forms and labels were plastered with the word “DOG” like it was some kind of dread disease. But somehow they were not sufficiently prominent to deter the pharmacist from advising Elizabeth not to eat dairy while taking the drug. So Elizabeth promised not to eat dairy while I was taking the drug since it would be unfair of her not to share, but then there was a chorus from the pharmacist’s colleagues of “He’s a Dog.” Elizabeth scuttled out of there with her cheap prescription in hand before they all changed their minds and declared me ineligible. Elizabeth did not even have time to point out that I was actually a Hound, which as we have discussed many times is a whole other kettle of fish and a kettle whose contents would most certainly be stolen and eaten should it ever be encountered.

But in their efforts to share the Hound Experience with the world (misery loves company) my humans have been discussing the possibility of developing a Hound app for today’s burgeoning array of smart phones (of course it would be more appropriate to develop a Hound app for an intellectually challenged phone, but no one seems to be developing those). I mean all these phones are designed to run your life—telling you what direction to go in, what food to eat, when to get up, etc—so they are very much like a Hound already.

Wimsey’s Hound App

Welcome to iWimsey, the app to promote health and weight loss and to give your life the structure and meaning so often lacking in these modern times. Here are some of the most important features of iWimsey:
Couch App: Tired, lazy, bored? Or just sitting down on the couch to enjoy another episode of the Biggest Loser to make yourself feel thin and fit? Download iWimsey and here is what will happen: AHROO! AHROO! AHROO! Want to make me stop baying? Get off of that couch now! The Hound needs a walk. (And it’s no use pointing out that the Hound always needs a walk. I’m iWimsey, iknow). And no, you don’t get a pass if it’s cold, snowing or raining. Develop a positive attitude toward inclement weather; you’re going to experience a lot of it. (NB: if the walk is under an hour iWimsey will start baying at you again probably putting you at risk for eviction proceedings or nasty notes from the neighbors).

Eating App: Time for a meal or a snack? Don’t have the will power to just eat half? Let iWimsey help. AHROOO! You gonna eat all that? You gonna eat all that?! Give it to me now. I want it. I will eat it very fast so you won’t even miss it. It will be like it never existed and then you can give me some more. Don’t worry about me not liking it. Won’t happen. If you don’t give it to me I will just steal it. And whatever it is you’re eating it will look better on my butt than on yours. And don’t you dare sit down on that couch or it will trigger the Couch App. No eating on the couch in front of the TV ever again.

Sleep App: Wasting too much of your time sleeping? Not after downloading iWimsey. AHROO! You there! Wake up. The sun will be up any minute and it’s time for some healthful morning fresh air and exercise. Being towed by a Hound develops the core and promotes cardiovascular fitness. And it’s cheaper than Pilates. And we can hunt squirrels together as the sun comes up. Won’t that be nicer than lying in a warm bed dreaming of a barren Houndless existence sipping wine in Paris or something. Such things lead to existential crises. Get out of that bed now before I put my wet, icy nose where the sun don’t shine. AHROOO!

Leisure Time App: It is not a myth that idle hands are the devil’s workshop. You might use your hands to hold some depressing book or newspaper or to fritter away your time social networking or writing silly blogs. Never again, with iWimsey: AHROO! I want a belly rub. I want a belly rub right now. And if I start to snore don’t think I am not paying attention. If you stop I will bay at you again or thwack you with my giant paw. And when you’re done with the belly rub you can scratch the inside of my flews and then scratch my chest and play with my dewlap.

Toilet App: Wasting too much time on personal hygiene? Let iWimsey change all that: AHROO! What’s going on in there? I’m coming in to investigate. Well don’t just sit there, give me a scratch. Before you press that noisy lever I want to see what’s in there. And if you leave the lid up after you press the noisy lever, I’m going to have a nice refreshing drink. Hey! What’s going on behind that curtain?! This isn’t The Wizard of Oz you know! And don’t tell me the open door and the pushed aside curtain are creating a draft, just be a little quicker about your business. And what’s that funny smell you have? I must run my wet, cold nose all over you to get a good whiff. Wonder what that soapy smell tastes like? Hmm. Not bad. No shrieking—if you don’t like it you’ll just have to dress faster.

Also in beta testing are iStink, iDrool, iShove and iSitonyou.

I really do like my humans’ Blackberrys—they make lots of interesting Hound attracting noises that encourage tasting activities. And this week I discovered the fax machine when Elizabeth shut off the Silent Mode while sending some stuff to my insurance company and it made so many interesting noises that she caught me trying to eat it. Twice.

Well also this week, I was photographed in front of the statue of Eleanor Roosevelt at the entrance to Riverside Park because I thought I would discuss how similar we are (both being rather statuesque—no pun intended—famous New Yorkers). But then I found out that Mrs. Roosevelt devoted her life to helping others whereas I devote my life to helping others help me. But both are, after all, worthy causes, so I suppose we are not so dissimilar after all.

Anyway, I think that is all for this week. I’m hoping for a little more excitement next week. My humans not so much.

Until next time,

Wimsey, iWimsey, uSlave


The Thundering Herd said...

As an intellectually challenged phone user, I am perfectly fine without all my apps, thank you.

Bentley said...

My humans like the idea of a hound-centric forecast! Who cares about all the rest, the canines are the important thing.

Human mom laughed about the encounters at the drug store. She went through a bit of the same thing acquiring the supplies for the "blue ear cleaner" when I first moved here. (you want to buy what? For what?) It was totally for naught anyway, since after one dose of said ear cleaner, I completely refused to comply with the process and in order to prevent total destruction of the house, the efforts were abandoned.