Friday, April 16, 2010

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #165

Entry #165
April 16, 2010

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from the Upper West Side of Manhattan where disaster has struck! No, I am not referring to that great cloud emanating from Iceland (although I am currently producing rival great clouds of my own, much to the consternation of my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth) but to the fact that Someone (no names mentioned) dropped my camera and caused it to delete all the photos of my doings this week.

This meant that I spent much of today out in the park in photo shoot mode which in the end turned out OK as I was in Major Mayor Mode, meeting and greeting to beat the band. The fact that many of these folks that I was greeting were carrying plastic water bottles of the type I like to steal had absolutely nothing to do with my excessively gregarious behavior. The presence of the water bottles did mean, however, that not all these encounters were captured for posterity as photography is sometimes inimical to theft prevention measures. In any case, all the socializing did take everyone’s mind off the fact that in addition to the dire state of world affairs they now have to worry about islands in the North Atlantic blowing up.

But the park has been a lot of fun this week. In addition to the Spring Influx of Hound- loving tourists the park rangers are out and about doing spring maintenance. Yesterday one of them was removing bundles of stray sticks from one of my favorite fields. Fortunately he had been admiring me before I decided to start returning the sticks to their rightful place where I could access them in the future. A sense of humor is a prerequisite for undertaking gardening projects in my presence (in the spring I pee and poop on the flowers and in the fall I disperse all the neatly piles of raked leaves). And these delightful signs are all over the park, no doubt placed there for the expressed purpose of me peeing on them since no one a bicycle ever seems to pay any attention to them much to the dismay of my humans who fear me getting run over.

Well the big news this week is that I once again had to go under the knife! On Tuesday I had a small growth removed from an unmentionable area and also had joint and spine X-rays which meant anesthesia and drugs galore. One of the vet techs kindly lay down next to me and cuddled while I was sleeping it all off and she also drew hearts on my bottle of pain meds, which fortunately I did not really need as we Wimseys are a hearty lot (although Tramadol is my humans’ version of behavior modification and it’s all “Gee, look how well behaved Wimsey is when he takes Tramadol!”)

The X-rays did show, however, that while my joints are excellent I have an irritated disc in my neck. This has sent the ladies scurrying to order harnesses that might take the pressure off of my neck while also allowing them to survive an outing with me. My old “no pull” harness with the ring on the chest seems really to have been a “pull more” harness and it caused my legs to get tangled up in the leash. I am, as you can imagine, looking forward with great anticipation to the testing of these harnesses. (My humans are looking forward to making sure their health insurance is in order).

But of course all the drugs did upset my stomach terribly (which is why I am rivaling Iceland in the production of noxious emissions). This caused Maria not to feed me this morning which caused me to eat the papers on her desk instead (paper can be quite binding so I was really just self-medicating). Elizabeth wisely decided to feed me lunch, albeit with the windows wide open. I am pleased to report that her reed dispenser is no match for the Wimsey digestion.

Well in addition to exploding islands (maybe the smoke monster from “Lost” is escaping!), and tax time the other news that has captured my imagination is the introduction of the iPad. Now this is a device that everyone seems to want although it only does some of what a laptop does and some of what an iPhone does and some of what an iPod does. In short, it’s cool, decorative and doesn’t do what you want it to do. Rather like a Hound!

Wimsey presents: Microsoftinthehead’s iHound

Amazing features of iHound allow users to fully embrace the ultimate Hound Experience

Menu Options:

iStink: iStink’s user interface provides customizable stink! Drop down menus include iStink back end (customizable range: mild indigestion ion to exploding tush) iStink front end (customizable range: just ate the sushi to just ate the long deceased squirrel) iStink body (customizable range: not bathed in two weeks to not bathed in two months to rolled in the squirrel before I ate it)

iBay: sound levels and tones vary between soft (the squeak) to medium (Aha! Found you even though you were trying hide in the bathroom) and loud (give me that salmon NOW!)

iSteal: customizable for: iSteal (your panties) iSteal (your dinner) iSteal (the TV remote) iSteal misc. (everything from Gucci loafers to the kid’s homework!)

iHog: customizable for: iHog (your bed), iHog (the couch) iHog (the kitchen floor) iHog (any place you want to sit, lie down or stand)

iDig: customizable for: iDig (the flower beds) iDig (the expensive ornamental bushes) iDig (random holes because it’s fun) iDig (your mattress)

iDrool: customizable for: iDrool (on your clothes before you go to work and it’s too late to change) iDrool (on your walls in places too difficult to reach) iDrool (on the computer and TV screens), iDrool (on expensively dressed and highly litigious strangers)

iCrush customizable for: iCrush (your lap) iCrush (your internal organs) iCrush (your boss who came over for dinner)

iShred customizable for: iShred (your newspapers), iShred (that fancy dress you were going to wear to dinner) iShred (the new Oriental carpet) iShred (tax forms)

iTow: customizable for: level 1 (sore muscles) level 5 (physical therapy) level 10 (the emergency room)

iLove: customizable for iLove (people admiring me) iLove (people feeding me their lunches) iLove (me, not you)

iObey: Software unavailable

But I suppose if the iHound were generally available no one would want to actually live with a real Hound. I mean being unbearably cute only gets you so far when humans are pleading with you to leave the park or to get off their laps or to stop squeaking your toy when they are on important phone calls or to not drag them into the lake or to not dislocate their arms because you are under the misguided impression that you can catch a squirrel or to stop shredding the garbage, or to stop furiously towing, or to not demand cookies or belly rubs to have your walking equipment put on, or to not put your nose in their food or to desist from pushing the keyboard return in with your snout or to not flood the bathroom when taking a bath or to not fling drool on people or scare them with your loud baying or to not dig up Central Park or eat the papers on the desk, etc. etc. etc. So my humans really appreciate it when the vet techs tell my humans what a great dog I am! They just smile.

Anyway, I think I’ll quit while I am ahead this week. Am hoping for lots of tourist attention this weekend and will be thinking about all the fun I can have with a harness.

Until next time,

Wimsey, iHound 2.1 ultra


The Thundering Herd said...

That last picture is pure pleasure.

Geoff said...

Have fun with your new harness, I now have visions of you running into a lake with a person being dragged screaming behind you!

HoundDogMom said...

Wimsey, let me introduce myself. I am Tabitha (Tabby) the bloodhound, who lives with 3 basset hounds. Martha & Bailey (basset hounds) asked that I check out your blog. They said you were very handsome, and I have to say they were quite right. You are a very handsome bloodhound, I look foward to following you and reading up on your adventures. Also, hate to tell you being a lady and all, I have a few of those gassy momments myself. :) Us bloodhounds must have some senstive digestive systems.


Bentley said...

Wimsey, your iHound applications caused a great deal of laughter in this house.

My human mom thinks that the iObey application does exist, but in a very unstable state. So, if the command to "sit" is input, the resulting action could easily be "lay down". Hehehe. Keeps those humans on their toes!

Hope the harness situation turns out OK. I slipped half out of my easy-walk harness the first time I wore it and it was retired immediately!

Bernie said...

Oh Wimsey, my humans hope you're not as gassy when they come and visit. Grom gelato is in your future!

Scout 'n Freyja said...

We can't imagine anyone not wanting a hound just like you! Who would want an iHound when you can have the real thing! We are jealous of all the leaves we see - not here yet but it won't be long!