December 3, 2010
Hello Everyone, it’s me Wimsey, coming to you from Manhattan’s Upper West Side where the dropping temperatures are bringing out the lovely winter Hounding gear in my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth’s wardrobes. Always at the forefront of elegant and attractive Hound walking apparel (courtesy of those internationally acclaimed couturiers, LL Bean and Land’s End) Elizabeth has outdone herself this time
with her latest chapeau—I call it “the Cat in the Hat Meets Manhattan.” Maria has not yet seen this creation, but I happen to know that she is in the market for a new winter Hounding hat and she is sure to be envious (Cat in the Hat inspired apparel being all the rage on the catwalks of Milan). Sadly the ladies have a policy of not wearing the same thing—or at least in the same color—lest they become even more indistinguishably interchangeable than they already are. But as we know their indistinguishable nature bears not the slightest relation to their clothing or appearance (trust me, they look nothing
alike) but to the fact that they are usually to be found attached to the leash of a giant mesmerizing Hound whose charm, elegance and beauty cast any attendant humans into pale relief. Generally people only remember that I have some inconsequential person of the female gender hanging onto my leash--I think they should find this flattering as it’s probably the best they are likely to do in my presence.
Anyway, as the Cat in the Hat line is off limits to Maria, I am sure she will find some flattering items in the Mad Hatter or Elmer Fudd collections. Personally I think that my human has such a distinctive sense of personal style that she belongs in the cast of Project Runway:
Heidi Klum: Today you were asked to design a look inspired by the city of Manhattan. Some of you have the highest and the lowest scores. Let’s talk to the people with the lowest scores first. Maria tell us about your look.
Maria: I was inspired by Central Park.
Michael Kors: Is that why it looks like your outfit is covered in leaves and mud?
Maria: Yes, that way the actual leaves and mud won’t be as obvious.
Nina Garcia: Can you explain to me why you chose to use plastic, once again.
Maria: Yes. Plastic is a wonderful fabric— plastic is the new silk! And my plastic charmeuse is waterproof and drool doesn’t stick to it. The plastic smell even wears off over time! This outfit is made of green plastic which is a color that
I've never used before. If you remember, my red carpet outfit was made of gold plastic and my downtown club look was made of black plastic. I think this shows my great versatility as a designer.
Heidi: Very well, but why do all your creations look so shapeless—they all look like sacks.
Maria: Well they were. But the garment acquires shape when paired with this elegant accessory which highlights the waist.
Michael: Personally I don’t find fanny packs all that elegant. And why does it have to be so big?
Maria: Well there is a lot to carry you know: plastic bags for poop collection, cookies for bribing, turkey for bribing when the cookies don’t work, an extra leash in case the towing snaps the one being used, a camera to record the beauty of the Hound, Spray Shield in case of attack by a canine enemy, a training clicker for wishful thinking, wet wipes in a futile attempt to keep one’s hands poop-free, the plethora of cards dog trainers hand me and of course a lot of money and credit cards for the purchase of essentials such as stuffed meerkats, bully sticks, greenies and eye catching canine apparel, etc. as well as payment for people’s dry cleaning bills due to some ill timed drool flinging. And of course an up to date insurance card for those quick forays to the emergency room when the Hound’s lively nature proves inimical to the maintenance of one’s bodily integrity.
Nina: But then why include those big ugly pockets?
Maria: Well those are to hold items too big for the fanny pack, such as a Zoom Groom for in park massages and de-hairing, additional Hound control equipment such as Haltis and Gentle Leaders and cell phones that can’t be answered because removing one’s hand and attention from the Hound is not conducive to a long life.
Heidi: But why include a hood?
Maria: But the hood makes the outfit! In the first place it keeps one’s head dry as holding an umbrella whilst walking a powerful, towing Hound is inadvisable in the extreme and secondly it helps to disguise one’s identity from irate members of the public whose clothes have been slimed by the Hound or whose plastic water bottles have been stolen by him or whose shopping bags and purses have been the object of his large, probing nose.
Michael: Well in addition to the plastic green sack with the bulging pockets, large fanny pack and ninja hood I take exception to your lack of styling.
Maria: Well the lack of any makeup is deliberate. In the first place it tends to come off when one is wiping Hound spit off one’s face. And in the second, absolutely no one will notice any makeup unless perhaps the Hound is wearing it. And of course the shoes are made of the finest quality rubber capable of slogging through the deepest mud puddles. And for winter one can accessorize the footwear with crampons and for evening there is the latest creation from New Balance.
Heidi: But why are you not showing any
Maria: The Hound objects to anything to do with the word “heel.” If they made shoes that had the word “tractor” in them he might approve their use.
Nina: Tell us about the holes?
Maria: Well as you know, I like to pre-distress my garments so any subsequent damage looks like part of the original design and the garment doesn’t have to be discarded. Distressing has always been popular with jeans, so I have just expanded the concept to the rest of one’s wardrobe.
Heidi: I am still not sold on the green plastic.
Maria: Well I think you’ll agree that when paired with this one last accessory the outfit totally comes together.
Judges: Wow! That’s incredible! Such beauty. And grace. And charm. And elegance. And effortless ease!
Michael Kors: It’s a showstopper!
Maria: Yes, every outfit looks better when accessorized with a Hound. Even a green plastic sack!
OK, well it’s been an unusual week here—Elizabeth is taking care of Heidi the elderly pit bull so I have been spending my afternoons at home instead of getting in her way by sprawling across her kitchen floor and futon. Although I am very fond of Heidi it was thought that my propensity to stick my cold, wet nose into her
posterior might prove a tad trying for the old girl so I was exiled to my actual home
But of course the guilt engendered by this situation meant that my afternoon walks in Central Park with Elizabeth were of a very generous duration. And we ran into our friend Nancy (much scratching) which meant that I
repeatedly dragged Elizabeth to her building and parked myself outside of it in the hopes that she would emerge for a repeat performance.
Now as those who have been reading about the fascinating details of my life know, I have recently moved to a new apartment on the Upper West Side. And although I have been rather cavalier about the process, finding an apartment in Manhattan is a lot like getting a root canal except not as much fun. But Manhattan apartments and Hounds share a common use of the descriptive euphemism:
It’s cozy (it’s small)
It’s charming (it’s small)
It’s a perfect pied a terre (it’s small)
It’s well laid out (it’s small)
No pets (they won’t fit)
He’s lively (he’s difficult)
He’s fun (he’s difficult)
He’s playful (he’s difficult)
He’s entertaining (he’s difficult)
He’s very active (he’s difficult)
He’s got a great temperament (he’s difficult)
He has a lot of personality (he’s really difficult)
Well you get the idea. I myself have an extraordinary amount of personality. Anyway, I think that will be all for this week. I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and is out there buying presents for the canine members of the family. And of course for most people this is the Christmas Season but for my humans it is the “Don’t Let Wimsey Pee On the Christmas Trees Being Sold on the Street Season.” A season of high drama and daring escapes fraught with much anxiety and intricate planning replete with lightening feints and near misses. But if New Yorkers will insist on lining the streets with what are essentially canine urinals they must suffer the potential consequences thereof.
Until next time,
Wimsey, a really large Hound in a very small space
PS: Was really disappointed that Elizabeth did not fall into a hole this week!