December 9, 2011
Hello Everyone, it’s me Wimsey, coming to you from Manhattan’s Upper West Side where it is still a tad too warm to really feel like it’s the holidays yet. Nevertheless this did not prevent my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth from ordering my Christmas “gifts.” The quotes are on account of the fact that two of these “gifts” involve items for me to wear. They are basically Elizabeth’s idea of revenge by couture-- payback for an entire year of disgraceful Hound behavior at the end of the leash, which she is in charge of when we all go out for a walk. I noticed that she had a particularly evil snicker whilst unpacking the box. Maria tut tuts and pretends that she herself would never instigate such affronts to my Houndly dignity but she laughs at them anyway. I am pretty certain that the results of some of these outrages will be on view in upcoming blog posts so you can judge for yourself.
Well it has been a relatively quiet week here—I managed to pull a muscle in my front leg so have been on restricted exercise, but I appear to be on the mend. The silver lining is that all of my injuries, in true Hound fashion, have a way of benefiting me. For example the pimple on my nose—which is pretty much history--was conveniently situated just where the gentle leader would have hit it. So that heinous piece of Hound control equipment has largely been consigned to the dustbin of history. I would prefer it to be consigned to the actual dustbin but its use is still threatened in dangerous conditions—such as when Maria hasn’t had enough coffee or sleep in the morning and has an irrational fear that I might take advantage of the situation. And my pulled muscle means that I can walk at whatever snail’s pace I desire on the way home or pull and drag on the way out and my humans avoid using the leash to (try to) influence the situation. And the day I pulled the muscle Maria slept on the couch because I was occupying the entire queen sized bed and she didn’t want to disturb me. It’s nice to live amongst those who have their priorities straight.
But in spite of this, yesterday was Bath Night. I was apparently exhibiting signs of both Extreme Hound Stink (this occurs when you can smell me in the hallway outside of my apartment) and Extreme Hound Filth (this occurs when your hand is black after petting me) so my humans felt compelled to remedy the situation, however temporarily. And I must say I outdid myself in the non-cooperation department—refusing to get into the tub, then refusing to put more than two feet in the tub, then climbing out of the tub and finally facing the wrong way so Maria had to hover over me in a back breaking position in order to feed me the turkey essential to obtain even a modicum of my cooperation.
And although I had already consumed 6 cups of kibble previously, I packed in another 6 cups (mixed with more turkey and cottage cheese)
in an impressive post- bath display of gluttony. This was augmented by the ingestion of an 18-inch bully stick and my persistent attempts to stick my nose into the tikka masala that my humans were trying to have for dinner. The day’s final tally: 15 cups of kibble, ½ pound of turkey, 1 cup of cottage cheese and one large bully stick (and I would have had the Indian takeout too if not cruelly prevented). My humans feared I was going to explode. Then their thoughts turned from what went in to the joyous anticipation of what was going to come out—and the size and strength of the bags requisite to its disposal. Probably most annoying to them of all was the certainty that I was not going to gain an ounce—the Wimsey metabolism being especially aggravating that way—while they were going to have to be hard at work burning off the caloric excesses of their Wimsey Bath Night indulgences.
In other news, plans continue for Elizabeth’s January birthday jaunt which started out as being 5 days of dogsledding and camping in the Norwegian Arctic, which became 2 days of camping and dogsledding in the Norwegian Arctic which became perhaps an overnight excursion camping and dogsledding in the Norwegian Arctic which became a day dogsledding in the Norwegian Arctic. By the time she is done she will be taking a husky for a walk in a park in the Norwegian Arctic and then sitting in a bar drinking cocktails and looking at the Northern Lights.
All of which might be much safer, especially after our friend Gus The Bloodhound of Alaska’s human weighed in with horror at the thought of turning over a powerful team of huskies to an inexperienced (or non-experienced) musher like Elizabeth. Apparently bribing turkey is of limited utility when attempting to prevent a team of huskies from off roading in pursuit of a moose. She suggested that Elizabeth make sure her accident insurance was up to date.
But then of course, returning to New York City with an injury acquired dog sledding in the Norwegian Arctic would definitely be kind of cool and certainly trump those proudly hobbling around with more mundane injuries such as those acquired skiing in tony Aspen or Telluride. New Yorkers are competitive that way. It’s why when I am out for a walk (particularly on the posh East Side) a common reaction is “I’ve never seen one of him before! He’s wonderful. I want one.” To which my humans invariably reply “No he’s not” and “No you don’t.”
But I think if those people did acquire one of me they would need a whole lot more than cocktails to cope. Which makes me think that there really should be a line of pharmaceuticals like the ones they advertise on TV to assist people with Hounds:
Wimsey Pharmaceuticals, Inc. Product Line
Indications: Wipitor is a cholesterol lowering agent specifically aimed at eliminating the ill effects of the high fat takeout and restaurant foods consumed in excess because cooking in a kitchen with a Hound who raids the refrigerator every time it’s opened, relentlessly counter surfs, shoves you out of the way to stick his nose in your food, eats the garbage and sprawls in the middle of the kitchen floor causing you to trip is not possible.
Warnings: Wipitor may cause muscle weakness resulting in even more injuries than usual when being walked by your Hound. Wipitor may cause liver damage resulting in problems for patients who rely on alcoholic beverages to forget they live with a large, smelly Hound who has taken over their life and their bank account. Do not take Wipitor if your Hound steals the high fat food anyway leaving you malnourished on a diet of steamed vegetables, lettuce and grapefruit.
Indications: Wyrtec is an allergy medication prescribed for individuals who have difficulty inhaling airborne Hound hair, nebulized drool, pollen from all the vegetation their Hound has tracked in and who are allergic to the miscellaneous dirt, mud and filth attached to their Hound.
Warnings: Tell your doctor if you experience dry mouth not related to the fear of lawsuits caused by something your Hound has done, drowsiness not related to the exhaustion of exercising your Hound for eight hours a day, rashes, hives or itching not related to that plant you had to touch when you picked up your Hound’s poop, swelling of the face, mouth or lips not related to getting bashed by your Hound’s enthusiastic greeting, bruising or bleeding not caused by your Hound’s thwacking you with his paws, whipping you with his tail or sitting on you. Wyrtec will not help you clean your house or your Hound.
Indications: Acid reflux and gastrointestinal side effects caused by the stress of trying to eat a meal in the presence of a large, fast, sneaky slavering Hound who can consume your entire plate of food in the time it takes you to reach for the remote.
Warnings: Wexium may cause nausea. Then again so might the remains of the deceased squirrel your Hound just vomited under the dining room table.
Indications: Wanax is an anti-anxiety medication prescribed to people who live with Hounds so they don’t have to drink so much. Clinical studies have shown Wanax to be effective in helping patients remain calm after discovering that their Hound has eaten the couch, entertained himself in the closet, opened everyone’s Christmas presents, peed on the heirloom Persian rug, dug up every plant in the garden and engaged in other assorted frequently occurring fun Hound activities.
Warnings: Taking too much Wanax or combining it with alcohol may cause you to fall asleep resulting in having to take more Wanax when you see the effects of a bored, unsupervised Hound.
Indications: Wrozac is prescribed for people suffering from depression due to the effect a Hound has on their bank balances, free time and social relationships.
Warnings: Wrozac should not be used by patients who do not have a life for other reasons. Wrozac may cause sexual dysfunction, anorexia, sleeplessness and suicidal ideation. But then so does living with a Hound.
Indications: Wambien is prescribed for people unable to sleep because their Hound shoves them off the bed, runs on their backs, tries to dig a hole in the mattress, engages in high decibel snoring, flaps their ears every time they are about to or have just fallen asleep, licks their toes, has noisy drinks of water in the middle of the night, insists on conducting frequent bed checks to make sure they are still alive and not merely sleeping, engages in nocturnal sessions with their bone and squeaky toy collections or rearranges the bedding in such a way as to create a nest for themselves and a freezing night for you.
Warnings: Wambien can result in morning grogginess causing you to fail to notice that your Hound has helped himself to the contents of someone’s shopping bag or to items being sold by street vendors. Unlike previous sleep medications such as Walcion, Wambien does not cause temporary amnesia so you will not be able to forget all the ways in which your Hound humiliates you.
Indications: Wiagra is prescribed for men who experience impaired sexual function due to the presence of a highly observant, interested and analytical looking Hound in the bedroom, or who find it difficult to function with a Hound who is serenading the proceedings or demanding a belly rub, or who feel inadequate because of the impressive nature of their Hound’s tackle, or who are distracted by the presence of a Hound looming over their head dripping drool or who can’t perform even when they lock the Hound out of the bedroom because of the fear of what he might be getting up to or the fact that even though he is not there they can still smell him.
Warnings: Wiagra will not get you a date. But your Hound can.
Well you get the idea. I could make a fortune selling Hound lifestyle drugs. Anyway, I think I will call it a day—I need to go devise a strategy for disappearing some of my “presents.”
Until next time,
Wimsey, the pharmacist's friend. Also Tanqueray’s.