Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #248

Entry #248

February 10, 2012

Hello Everyone, it’s me, Wimsey, coming to you from the home (if you ignore the whole New Jersey thing) of America’s Super Bowl heroes, The New York Giants. As a giant fellow myself, I was naturally happy to have the home team win and here on the Upper West Side of Manhattan people were pretty excited about it-- although my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth pretended not to be. While they both claimed to have watched The Puppy Bowl instead, I heard tell of sneak peaks into the progress of the game.

And speaking of puppy bowls, I staged one myself this Wednesday when my French bulldog puppy Pluto came over for a visit—he’s a lively little guy and always up for a bit of chase and WrestleMania, although I am afraid he looked like he had been in the shower by the time I was done with him. Drool is an excellent coat emollient.

But getting back to the Super Bowl, as everyone knows, the game itself often takes backseat to the snack and beer laden parties that are thrown in its honor. And then of course there are those entertaining commercials, which sometimes prove more riveting than the game itself. I had a few ideas for Hound commercials that I know people would enjoy watching:

Hound Super Bowl Commercials

1.The Loch Ness Monster. The Abominable Snowman. The Lost Continent of Atlantis. The Freedom No-Pull Harness. The world is full of myths. But our harness is very comfortable (at least for your Hound) and will give him the freedom from your control that he craves. And our harness has equal or superior no no pull properties to all those other no pull harnesses and validates your misguided belief that your Hound is controllable. Enjoy freedom from guilt that you are not trying to control your Hound while your Hound enjoys the real thing! (Dragging Hound and medical insurance not included).

2. Does your Hound refuse to sit, or to come when called or to drop that deceased rodent he’s just picked up? Want your Hound to listen to you? Get his attention with America’s #1 bribing turkey—Boar’s Head Low Salt. Your Hound still probably won’t listen to you but with a belly full of our turkey he’ll steal less of yours!

3. Does your Hound stink? Are your hands black from all the stuff he’s rolled in when you touch him? Get The GrimeInator—a shampoo guaranteed to get your Hound squeaky clean and de-stink him for a full 48 hours or your money back! (We said we’d get him that way not keep him that way).

4. Are your Hound’s ears gunky? Do they smell? Does he find an urgent need to scratch them when you give him an obedience command? The R-7 ear cleaning solution will solve 2 out of 3 of these problems! Just pour the solution down your Hound’s ear canals. Your Hound will thank you after you’ve untied him.

5. Does your Hound hate kibble? Does he prefer to eat your food, the food in the garbage bin or things that are not technically food at all? Holistic Select Anchovy Kibble—he’ll still hate it but he’ll enjoy breathing on you.

6. Can’t find a dog coat big enough for your giant Hound who doesn’t really need a coat except that people on the streets of New York yell at you if your dog isn’t wearing one and you don’t want to feel inferior to all those other people whose dogs are wearing cashmere, goose down and Prada? The Ruff Wear Giant Chartreuse Fleece coat is for you! A giant Hound is conspicuous; a giant Hound in chartreuse is unforgettable!

7. The Problem: your fanny pack has limited space and your Hound enjoys munching cookies during his extensive walks; failure to feed him the cookies he demands results in him walking sideways in front of you and poking at your pack with his muzzle until you trip. Or else he parks his 130lb posterior in front of you and refuses to move. The Solution: (no, not a dog trainer--that would be boring): Old Mother Hubbard Mini Dog Treats—you can fit hours worth of these tasty, compact snacks in your pack thus fulfilling your Hound’s gustatory needs whilst retaining your sanity!

8. Want to keep your Hound’s teeth in tiptop condition? Petrodex is the answer! An extra long tooth brush enables you to reach those back molars so your Hound can enjoy a nice chomp and crush and the delicious peanut butter toothpaste will have your Hound so preoccupied with using his strong, amazingly flexible tongue to lick it off that he will fail to notice when the brush connects with an actual tooth! Plus all that tongue wrestling will help your Hound build a tongue powerful enough to push you over when he is feeling affectionate and fast enough to snatch the most delectable morsels from your plate!

9. Have a Hound? Then Febreze is your friend. It won’t actually get rid of the stink but rather add some lovely fresh floral notes to the odor thus imparting the illusion that you are drifting through a lovely spring meadow accompanied by a really stinky Hound.

10. Grom Gelato: Gelato like it used to be for a Hound who is like he is now. Demanding, discerning and living with idiotic, besotted humans.

Well you get the idea. Anyway, I had a pretty entertaining week—there was Pluto of course and then I got to spend the afternoon at New York Vet Specialists being poked and prodded to make sure my occasional orthopedic issues were nothing to worry about. They aren’t and the x-rays of my hips and knees elicited oohs and ahhs of appreciation for their beauty. The doctor proposed that these episodes be treated with an anti-inflammatory drug (rolled in a quantity of turkey, naturally) and rest.

My humans had a good chuckle over the “rest” discharge orders which suggested walks be limited to those necessary for elimination—which in my case is always hours. It’s very difficult to explain to a vet who sees mostly small breeds that Bloodhounds are not really one of nature’s great resters (except when indoors where there is furniture upon which we can shed and spread stink). Trying to get me to go on a short walk against my will would result in 1) so much dragging that it would obviate the orthopedic benefit and 2) failure to eliminate properly such that I would need to go out shortly after I came in. Also Maria says she can’t afford to replace all the stuff I would destroy if I were deprived of my desired quota of outdoor time.

But this was also a week of discovery—I discovered a whole new area where pedicabs congregate and have put it on my daily route much to the delight of New York’s camera toting tourists who are attracted to the spot by my vociferous vocal stylings. Sadly these vocalizations seem to terrorize many of the pedicab drivers who mistake my joyful excitement for a desire to swallow them whole (the food they always seem to carry is an entirely different matter). And speaking of swallowing (or not) Elizabeth has remaining puzzled for some time by the unusual pattern, color and material that routinely appear on her couch. This week the mystery was solved after she observed my post-prandial amble over to the couch, my muzzle and flews brimming with water, drool, kibble crumbs and miscellaneous organic matter brought in from the park and my use of said piece of furniture as a napkin to tidy myself up. Not all of us are messy.

Anyway, for those of you who have never been to New York, one of the great joys of the city are the unexpected and unusual sights one might see— celebrities, pirates, film crews, giant city- dwelling baying Hounds, etc.—so imagine my delight as we walked down Central Park West when I beheld these two Revolutionary War soldiers! I spent quite a bit of time chatting with and inspecting these gentlemen who are as close to the real deal as one can get in 21^st century America. Far from being actors dressed in costumes made in China they are serious re-enactors (one of them is a history professor) carrying actual gear from the period and clothing fabricated using original material and methods. And I personally conducted an intensive investigation to determine if they were carrying any Revolutionary War treats.

The guys were in fact standing outside the New York Historical Society to call attention to an exhibit on African-American Revolutionary War soldiers, but this being New York, the home of blasé New Yorkers it was all “Ho hum, a couple of Revolutionary War soldiers. What else is new? Yikes! OMG! Look at that! It’s a Giant Bloodhound!!! I can’t believe it! I wonder what he’s doing here! Is there an exhibit about him! What’s his name? Can we touch him? Can we take his picture?” etc. I mean it was like Revolutionary War soldiers strolling the streets of the metropolis were a dime a dozen, but a Bloodhound…!

But New York for all its size is often like a village and I’ve been running into this little lady a lot—her name is Emily and she is a former shelter dog of Elizabeth’s acquaintance. When we meet she runs to Elizabeth for treats and I run to her human for a belly rub. (I wonder if there is a little Hound in her pedigree)?

Anyway, Monday and Tuesday is the Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show and Elizabeth will be off helping at the ASPCA booth which means that she will miss celebrating most of Valentine’s Day with me. And as usual, both my boyfriend challenged humans will have me as their Valentine. But I am a much better Valentine than any guy because with my expectations are very low:

I will cheat on you

I will leave my stuff lying around on the floor

I am going to relentlessly fart, particularly in bed, and never apologize for it

I will wolf my food

I will slurp loudly when drinking

I will take food off of your plate even if you didn’t offer to share

I will belch at inopportune moments

I will not respect your privacy, especially when you are in the bathroom

I will interrupt you when you are talking

I will monopolize all social interactions

I will not listen to you when you talk

I will not seek your advice on matters relating to me

Your opinions are not important to me

Food is important to me

I will seek affection when I am in the mood and expect it to be forthcoming

I will ignore you when you want affection and I am not in the mood and expect you to go away

I will snore

I will make you look foolish

I will encourage you to buy me thoughtful gifts but not reciprocate

I am stubborn

I am self-centered

I am just not that into you

I am just really into me

I always have an excuse for everything—I am a Hound

So I am the perfect Valentine—you will never be disappointed and you won’t get fat from eating chocolates or sneeze from receiving flowers. I think that guys could learn a lot from Hounds—set the bar low. Very low.

Anyway, I think I will leave it there for this week. Hope your Valentine’s Day exceeds expectations—I know my humans’ will.

Until next time,

Wimsey, Everyone’s Valentine (except those that have to live with me).