Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #259

Entry #259

May 4, 2012

Hello Everyone--Wimsey here coming to you from a persistently cool and soggy Upper West Side of Manhattan where I am still awaiting further opportunities to hang out in my shared garden and terrorize the neighbor’s cat.  My human Maria wishes I’d terrorize the mice that wander into our apartment instead but her friend Elizabeth has theorized that the only way I’d terrorize the mice is if she didn’t actually want me to terrorize the mice.

Having spent a considerable amount of time taking care of me during the day Elizabeth has finally come to the blinding realization that not only do I enjoy doing what no one wants me to do but I also enjoy not doing what everyone wants me to do.  There is just something irresistible about a cheesed off human. And in the immortal words of Groucho Marx’s masterwork from the film Horse Feathers, “I don’t care what you have to say, It makes no difference anyway, Whatever it is, I’m against it!” I wonder if Groucho had a Hound? (Maybe one called Oucho).

 

Well, it’s been a quiet week around here owing to the fact that once again I managed to pull a muscle—this time in my front left leg—so I’ve been hobbling around and the ladies have been administering aspirin and massages and insisting that I rest and not take two hours to evacuate my bladder and bowels.  Killjoys.  But I am a Hound and being hobbly doesn’t stop me from trying to pull them for long walks by the river or to Central Park which they find completely exasperating and I find completely delightful. And my leg will give the vet another medical mystery to ponder during what has become my weekly Saturday visit wherein I meet and greet, get petted, get admired and get fed treats and my humans get to pay for it all.  Were it not for the stray finger up the bum it would be a perfect setup.

Anyway, I would not be the inveterate New Yorker that I am were I to be remiss in mentioning that on this date in 1626 Peter Minuit of the Dutch East India Company purchased Manhattan Island for $24 (a sum that today wouldn’t even buy the deluxe deer antler that Elizabeth carefully selected for me and that I have resolutely refused to chew). With history’s 20/20 hindsight and a glance at real estate prices many people feel that maybe the Indians didn’t get such a good deal.  But it is a little known fact that the Indians, in addition to accepting the $24 in cloth and trinkets also gave the settlers a very special “welcome to the island” gift.

An Account of The Purchase of Manhattan Island (from the diary of The Dutch Manhattan Bloodhound, Hubertus van der Waals Wimsey)

Peter Minuit: So, it is agreed that in consideration of these several bolts of cloth that my wife rejected as being too ugly to make curtains out of and whose choice is indicative of my general lack of good taste, refinement and an understanding of her esthetic, together with some beads and assorted doo dads from the junk drawer, you, The Manhattanites agree to give the Dutch East India company and its rapacious representatives, the right to use this island to set up a society devoted to the making of unlimited amounts of money,  the wearing black clothing  the eating  of sushi and the drinking of fancy cocktails in martini glasses that don’t remotely resemble martinis. And you promise not to engage in any anti-social behavior such as killing us or scalping us when we have loud parties and our taxis try to run you over.

Indian Chief: Yes, we agree.  The land is crap for growing anything by the way so we hope you know what you’re doing.  And I am hoping that these beads will make up for my bringing my wife the wrong shade of beaver pelt last week. Who knew that there were so many shades of dark brown? However, because you are getting me out of a sticky marital situation and because my tribe mates want to show their gratitude for you taking this useless piece of land out of our inventory we want to present you with a “welcome to the island” gift.

Peter Minuit:  Well as newcomers to Manhattan we can use all the help we can get, but I know the lads would appreciate a bit female companionship if that’s what you’re thinking.

Indian Chief: Well our gift will sleep with you and provide you with plenty of companionship, especially when you are trying to read the newspapers or writing to the East India Company to complain about the high cost of living in Manhattan.

Peter Minuit: Well whatever it is, I hope my wife will like it. I’m in enough trouble as it is.

Indian Chief: I assure you that all the ladies of your tribe will be completely enamored of him. In fact so enamored that the beaver pelts that you work so hard to obtain will be used to make him a fur coat even though he already has one and a nice soft bed.  And you will only get the head and tail of the fish that you spent hours catching because he likes the middle part best. And you will spend many nights sleeping on the couch because your wife has decided that he is cuddly and you’re not.  And you will never again have that soup you are so fond of because he likes to chew on the bones that are used to make it. And none of your friends will come to visit you because they say your lodge smells and that they can’t get drool off of suede but all of your wife’s friends will come around constantly because they say he is so much fun to play with and to feed and to make toys out of your  for. Here he is now!

Peter Minuit: But it’s just a big dog!

Indian Chief: No, he’s not a big dog. He is a big Hound. You’ll learn the difference, trust me. And there is no “just,” or justice for that matter, about it.

Peter Minuit:  Well he is very majestic looking, although he seems rather baggy. But apart from pleasing the wife what other useful things does he do?

Indian Chief: What doesn’t he do!! Well he can help with the farming--and especially the harvesting part.  And although the land isn’t very fertile he has a special system for dealing with the problem--although I recommend always wearing shoes.

Peter Minuit: OK, what else?

Indian Chief: Well he has a very powerful nose and will find all manner of succulent animals.

 

Peter Minuit: Great! We could use a good hunting dog.

Indian Chief:  I don’t know about the good part but he is an excellent hunting dog. It’s just that he’s not big on sharing what he finds and I wouldn’t try getting anything away from him unless you fancy running a marathon. But if it’s edible, he’ll find it.  Especially if it’s on your dinner table.

Peter Minuit: But he will help to keep us warm at night.

Indian Chief: Certainly. If he lets you in the bed.

Peter Minuit: He sounds a lot like Mrs. Minuit.

Indian Chief: Oh, and don’t worry about him getting lost—you can hear him all over the island.  In fact it’s impossible not to.

Peter Minuit: Well thank you Chief for this most generous gift!

Indian Chief: Think nothing of it.  One generous gift deserves another.

And, as they say, the rest is history. And speaking of history tomorrow is Cinqo de Mayo which means that all weekend long New Yorkers will be piling into Mexican restaurants and chowing down on enchiladas and tacos and swilling pitchers of margaritas all in celebration of our Mexican heritage. In multicultural New York City  (an estimated 800 languages are spoken here, not including the English that New Yawkers speak) everyone is Mexican on Cinqo de Mayo just as everyone is Irish on St. Patrick’s Day.  And if your nationality has a festival day that involves highly caloric food and plenty of alcohol we’ll celebrate that one too! It’s our way of honoring diversity and promoting world peace. One drink at a time.

But I think there should be a special holiday honoring Hounds:

Things People Can Do On Houndo de Mayo

Spit on each other

Yell at each other

Push each other

Hit each other

Poke each other

Knock each other over

Ruin each other’s clothing

Take what they want from everybody else

Refuse to do anything everybody else wants to do

Dig up plants, especially expensive ones that don’t belong to you

Knock over garbage cans

Destroy fences

Pee on cars

Fling dirt

Track mud everywhere

Chase the neighbor’s cat

Bathe in city fountains

Demand food

Steal food

Steal anything you want

Shred books and newspapers

Spit on computer screens

Turn household objects into toys

Invade space

Shove others off couches, beds and furniture

Snore

Fart

Belch

Don’t bathe

Vomit food that you decided you didn’t like

Sneeze in people’s faces

Use people’s clothing as napkins

Have pillow fights

Climb into other people’s cars

Tell everyone what you think

Tell everyone what you think some more

Don’t apologize for anything

Don’t feel guilty about anything

Drink a lot of gin

And of course it is very apropos that Cinqo de Mayo celebrates a Mexican victory over French invaders because France has been in the news so much on account of their election.  The great thing about French elections is that no matter who wins everything stays exactly the same so no one need fear for their Parisian vacation.  And although there are many problems facing the Republic these days we Americans have our own list of important French problems:

Top 10 Problems Facing France

1. Rude people

2. Rude people who don’t speak English

3. Dog poop on the streets

4. Too many other tourists ruining the atmosphere

5. Hotel and restaurant staff treating you like you’re wearing a coonskin cap and carrying an axe.

6. Figuring out how to tie those scarves

7. Figuring out how to get the money to pay for those scarves you can’t tie

8.  The $10 cup of coffee

9.  A language that no one can pronounce and few people want to try

10.  The French

I’m guessing that the people in the UK have a similar list, but it’s all in the spirit of Anglo Saxon fun. As those of you who read this blog know, as a Chien de St. Hubert I am quite proud of my French heritage.  So maybe #11 on the list should be that they made me! 

Well I think I will leave it there for now. Hope you all are enjoying the Merry Month of May which is even more Merry with a Hound around. At least for us. (I was sad not to be able to find a May Pole on Tuesday; I had big plans for it).

Until next time,

Wimsey See, Wimsey Do, Wimsey No