June 22, 2012
Hello Everyone, it’s me, Wimsey, the Upper West Side of Manhattan’s foremost stinky bloodhound whose summer coat blowing and air conditioning lounging are in full swing. First let me say that although I manage to be incessantly annoying all year round to my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth, summer coat blowing season is especially challenging for them. For although we bloodhounds appear rather smooth and short coated, in reality our fur is extremely dense, very prolific and surprisingly long. And when we decide that we are tired of carrying it around in the summer heat, watch out! Now I don’t mean to belittle the joys of fall coat blowing season, but the summer is a great deal more fun because my fair skinned humans are slathered in sunscreen and nothing beats sunscreen for attracting and attaching errant Hound hairs. Their faces, arms and cleavages are soon bristling with my itchy, spikey cast off black and tan hairs. And with the occasional full tuft from the back of my thighs which I like to also liberally distribute both of the ladies’ apartments.
And whereas the Zoom Groom is generally an excellent tool for depilating a Hound in the most pleasant manner possible (I refuse to be raked, brushed or furminated) it can be too much of a good thing when its actions envelope my humans in clouds of Hound hair. So prodigious was my output on Sunday that it attracted a crowd of onlookers who were careful to stand well back. But at least this was outdoors. Nothing can compare to watching me have a revivifying shake after a nap or a drink and seeing an aureole of hair emerge and settle over floors, rugs and furniture. Not to mention on food, plates and humans unlucky enough to be within range. So much disruption with so little effort.
As an aside, June 22 is apparently Take Your Dog to Work Day, but as Maria would like to stay employed she wisely left me home. Sneaking me in as a new model of paper shredder was also rejected. There are innumerable allegedly dog friendly situations that do not appear to apply to one of my stature, which is really unfair since I don’t even get the chance to be annoying before I am booted out.
Anyway, it’s been a rather quiet week around here as we are having a heat wave and as I am a delicate flower of a Hound I object to spending large amounts of time outside of air-conditioned spaces. Not to mention the fact that my cooling coat has made a premature appearance causing me no end of humiliation. I do expend quite a bit of energy trying to outrun it or to shake it off but so far have had distressingly little success. About the only positive thing I can say about the coat, apart from the fact that it actually does keep me cool, is that my humans get yelled at on the street for putting me in a coat in hot weather.
But before things got too toasty I did get to spend my usual Sunday hanging out in Central Park, meeting and greeting and inspecting the local water We also ran into an exhibition of therapy horses for disabled riders where I’m afraid I became rather the center of attention for a while. But my center of attention was squarely focused on a miniature horse called Chocolate Chip (an excellent name by the way, although I think horses should be called things like Sautéed Liver). He was bigger than I am but not by much and I made a very determined effort to get to know him better. But as is usually the case with my attempts at animal husbandry I was cruelly prevented. I mean I just wanted to sniff him. Really. Trust me.
Let’s see, in other summer news, my brewery, Baying Hound Aleworks turns two at the end of July they will be holding a three day event on July 26th, 27th and 28th from noon to 10pm to celebrate. On the 28th $1 from every beer purchase will go to the Montgomery County Humane Society, as will the proceeds from a raffle and a dunking tank. The brewery is located in Rockville, Maryland so if you are anywhere in the area head on down for some Houndish fun and have a few for our four legged friends in need. And as always, don’t forget to admire my face on the label when you imbibe! And of course you never know when I will be prevailed upon to put in a personal appearance (although I’m not getting anywhere near that dunking tank).
Harvey opened recently on Broadway. For those of you who have never seen the movie with Jimmy Stewart, he plays a man who is accompanied by a 6-foot tall imaginary rabbit named Harvey. This makes me think that the concept has other possibilities:
Maria: Hello, I’m Maria and this is my imaginary Hound iWimsey.
New friend: But he’s not imaginary—he’s standing right next to you!
Maria: Not him! That’s Regular Wimsey. Pay no attention to him!
New friend: But that’s hard to do---he’s got his nose in my crotch.
Maria: Exactly. iWimsey on the other hand is sitting next to me politely and giving you his paw to shake.
New friend: Well those drool spots Regular Wimsey has left on my pants are in a very embarrassing location.
Maria: I know. And it doesn’t get any better when they dry—then they look like something else. But the advantage of iWimsey is that he doesn’t drool.
New friend: A Hound that doesn’t drool! Wow no wonder he’s imaginary!
New friend: I don’t think he is listening. He seems to be dragging you down the street.
Maria: Regular Wimsey never listens or heels, especially when he decides he’d like some Grom Gelato. The command was for iWimsey. He’s obedience trained you know. He’s won several national titles. I’m very proud of him.
New friend: Regular Wimsey seems to be getting very vocal. He has a lovely voice and if you don’t stand too close to him the sound doesn’t hurt too much.
Maria: He always does that when he’s “found” gelato. He’ll carry on like that until I buy him some.
New friend: Doesn’t iWimsey want gelato too? He’s awfully quiet.
Maria: iWimsey never bays and hurts people’s ears or scares them or terrorizes dogs he wants to say hello to or wakes people up because he’s going for his walk.
Also iWimsey refuses to eat anything but kibble. It’s why he doesn’t produce mounds of mushy poop with all kinds of weird things in it or has to have long strands of grass extracted from his bottom.
New friend: Well where are we going now?
Maria: Regular Wimsey likes to visit a pet shop after his gelato. They feed him biscuits there which complements the ice cream. He’ll also select a toy or a bone that I will have to purchase for him.
New friend: I’m guessing iWimsey doesn’t play with toys or chew bones?
Maria: On the contrary, he has quite a collection, but unlike the ones Regular Wimsey has iWimsey’s don’t take up the entire living room floor and he doesn’t leave them where I trip on them at night.
New friend: This is all very fatiguing. Do you mind if we take a break and sit on this bench?
Maria: Not at all. But Regular Wimsey will want to sit on you and be scratched. It’s not very comfortable, especially when he thwacks you with his paw when you stop scratching and when he drools in your face.
New friend: And what will iWimsey do?
Maria: iWimsey is very polite. He will wait to see if I invite him up and then he won’t put all of his weight on me. But then of course, he doesn’t seem to be as heavy as Regular Wimsey.
New friend: What’s that smell?
Maria: Which one? The gassy one or the other one?
Maria: That’s Regular Wimsey. It’s his natural odor and even if I bathe him it comes right back. Although in summer his natural odor is augmented by a swampy smell that he gets by jumping in the Lake. Once you and your clothes start smelling like that also you won’t notice it so much. iWimsey of course is odorless.
New friend: But if iWimsey is so great why do you have Regular Wimsey?
Maria: Because I’m crazy. After all, I think there is a Hound who is obedient, polite, quiet and odorless.
New friend: But he’s an imaginary one.
Maria: But that’s because those are the only ones who are!
Well you get the idea. Anyway, I think I am going to leave it here for now. A thunderstorm has just moved through and the temperatures are back into the temperate 70s so I am going for a much need, cooling coatless walk. And of course where there is rain there is mud and where there is mud there is Wimsey.
Until next time,
Wimsey, an unimaginable Hound