Friday, August 22, 2014

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #355

Entry #355
August 22, 2014

Hello Everyone, it’s me Wimsey, coming to you once again from Manhattan’s Upper West Side where I have been carrying on in my usual fashion celebrating the dog days of August.  My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth have been insanely busy with work which means that I had to redouble my efforts to distract them from the unpleasant realities associated with making a living. I am a true Lily of the Field, I neither toil nor spin but
merely hang around reaping the benefits of those that do. And I am quite a successful Lily of the Field if I do say so myself.  The latest use to which I have put my human’s paycheck is an expensive canister of probiotic powder that is supposed to rein in the fragrant flatulence with which I am so amply endowed.  We are on Day 3 of the first week at half dose and I am happy to report that both with respect to the quantity and the quality of the stench my intestines seem to be going in the opposite direction. This is hardly surprising as the rest of me always goes in the opposite direction so why should my digestive tract be any different. Even my humans are in awe.  I think the plan is to keep me on the stuff for as long as they can stand it, which at this rate will not be very long.

And of course work continues apace on my art books, all of which are now complete but my humans must figure out how to format it so it will look the way that they want it to on iPads, Kindles and mobile phones.  Maria took last Friday off so we could all go over to Elizabeth’s to work on this but my humans concluded that Elizabeth’s Mac is very unhappy with Amazon’s Preview software and with MS Word.  This necessitated a return to Maria’s PC laptop, which meant many happy hours (for me) spent in the yard watching them struggle. Kindle Direct Publishing likes text and Kindle Comic Creator likes pictures but neither one likes both text and pictures.  These sessions generally end in drinks for them and hand fed cocktail nuts for me.

Therefore, I take no responsibility for my tragic absence from the blogosphere—as with most things, it is my humans’ fault.  I had hoped to be able to announce the availability of the books today but sadly Elizabeth had another Unfortunate Encounter with Comic Creator, so no Wimsey art books today but only a consolation blog post instead.  It will be Maria’s turn to tame the technology beasts this evening.  She plans on stopping at the liquor store first. 
But what would make the ladies think that anything connected with me, even on a computer would be easy. And lest everyone jump to the obvious conclusions, let us just say that my humans are a lot better at computers than they are at driving cars, pumping gas or dressing themselves. A very low bar, I agree, but at her company Maria is the go-to person for computer and software help when the IT guy isn’t available and Elizabeth’s idea of a fun shopping trip is an afternoon spent at Best Buy.

But with respect to the whole dressing issue, help may be on the way. Elizabeth read about an online company called StichFix that sends you clothes that they pick out for you based on a questionnaire and your written instructions. Apparently she has gotten tired of her extensive wardrobe of Hounding tee shirts and jeans and requested that they send her new Hounding clothes.  She was pretty explicit about what happens to clothing when I am around and mentioned several times that the clothing needs to be inexpensive and washable and that it is going to be worn with sneakers. She is also open to replacing The Fanny Pack that Ate Cleveland with something more ladylike—provided it’s not something that will fall into my poop when she bends over. We are all eagerly awaiting the shipment which is due to arrive on the 11th. Especially me.  I am bored with sliming, perfuming and porcupining the same old clothes. I want new ones to wreck!

Anyway, Elizabeth’s Mac may be unhappy with Amazon’s book publishing software but fortunately it is very happy with me.  This is probably due to my regular visits over the past several weeks to the Apple Store to get a drink from the Wimsey-sized water bowl that they have at the door and to cool off in their powerful AC. Last week, in fact I was so pleased with the amenities that I gave an impromptu concert that, unlike many of my other concerts, was enormously appreciated by those present.  I had quite a circle of admirers and the consensus was that I was in such fine form because of the excellence of the amplifying acoustics. The only thing better than listening to me bay is listening to me bay loudly. And the only thing better than listening to me bay loudly is having ear plugs.

This brings me to one of my primary grievances, which is that there is never any photographic record of my finest moments.  My concertizing in computer stores, my incessant shopping in pet shops and my being scratched and belly rubbed by entire crowds of people are wholly unrecorded. Apparently when I engage in anything really fun, Elizabeth, who is supposed to spend the day walking and photographing me, feels the need to keep both hands on the leash. Such a lack of trust does her no credit.

So I know that you all must have missed me terribly and want to know what I have been up to. Well the short answer is “same old, same old,” the longer answer involves a lot of texting between my humans on the subject of me being a “gift” and the mixing of cocktails.  When I am absent I know that my adoring public (well Maria’s mother, anyway) worry that either I am unwell or that I am in a snit because one of my humans is indisposed.  But we have all been fine (or in the case of my humans, as fine as you can be when I am around)-- we are just having a busy summer. The fall promises to be just as active— my books should be out and Maria will be out of town for a few days in both September and October which means that I will be staying with Elizabeth and she will be at my beck and call 24/7. And when she is not attending to my every whim, she will no doubt be texting Maria. And drinking gin. And hoping that she has to go to Europe again.

Anyway, hope you all enjoy the last week of summer.

Until next time,

Wimsey, a Hound of the field who neither toils nor spins but is really annoying anyway


Bentley said...

Glad to hear all is well! We miss you when you are busy, but understand that it's important for you to keep your humans entertained.

Anonymous said...

Enjoy reading your blog! I have a bloodhound that is the same age as Whimsey and the traits are oh so similar! My hound enjoys tailgating at football games and all the attention one gets when one is a large bloodhound in a crowd (as Whimsey well knows!)