Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 16
May 18, 2007

Hello Everyone! It’s me, Wimsey. Well, today I’d like to take as my text, “Idle hands are the devil’s workshop” (it is a little known fact that the taking of texts is not the exclusive province of human clerics and eminent orators -- we Hounds also like to take texts—of course we generally prefer to take them with our teeth, as in “What idiot left my prized copy of Beowulf lying around where Wimsey could shred it!”)

However, no text is as dear to the Hound heart than the one about the idle hands. As you will notice, the text says nothing about idle paws (a moot point, actually, since our paws are never idle, however, much humans may wish they were). Anyway, here in the Wimsey household, idle hands are never permitted, as all hands must continuously be employed in the service of the Hound—either in preparing Hound meals or in boiling up vats of frenzy- inducing show liver or in scratching, caressing, petting stroking, touching or otherwise massaging the Hound. (Next week we will discuss the feet—my text being “These boots (and all other footwear) are made for walking (a large, energetic Hound”).

However, here in Wimsey World, I do make an exception for hands to use the television remote (although I must say that I have to exercise an extraordinary amount of self-control, as there is nothing quite as satisfyingly crunchy to the tooth as a good TV remote, especially the expensive kind). The idea is that whilst my human Maria (and sometimes even Elizabeth, a friend of her hers) are sitting mesmerized by this glowing screen, their inert couch- dwelling bodies provide a warm, cushy medium upon which I can make myself spectacularly comfortable. And of course their hands are totally at my disposal, which means that the devil’s workshop has lost another round to the Hound. (Note: although somewhat similar in appearance, the television is completely different from the vile computer, which I have it on good authority is actually manufactured in the devils workshop-- as are all things that distract from the Hound).

Now although my humans spend an inordinate amount of time looking at the TV, they seem never to like very many of the shows that are actually on it. (A very perplexing state of affairs to a Hound, as we never do anything that is less than completely enjoyable. It’s what makes us so delightful to live with). But this week my humans were particularly distressed by the less than stellar offerings that the networks announced for their next season. As you might surmise, I am in favor of nothing that will cut down the number of couch dwelling, hound rubbing hours, so I am thinking of launching the Wimsey Network to keep human posteriors where they belong—on the couch. (With me in charge, the casting couch will take on a whole new meaning)

Upcoming Shows on the Wimsey Television Network

First, let me say that if you thought that Heather Mills was handicapped by dancing on one leg, that’s nothing compared to what will happen to the stars on my new show-- all of whom will be handicapped because they will be Dancing with the Hounds! Now doing anything with a Hound is never very easy, but dancing presents a particular challenge as the hounds invent new dances such as the Really, Really Quick Step and the Cha Cha Drool! Contestants who make mistakes in the choreography will be bayed at and given encouraging little nips.

Next we have a classic quiz show, Stump the Hounds. In this show, humans will win vast sums of money because, let’s face it, Hounds are just not all that bright. Also the only category permitted will be “The Tudors.”

Now the next show is a soap opera/ reality series called All My Poop. In this show, much drama and excitement are generated by the suspense of seeing what emerges as endless food recalls and multiple changes in diet wreak havoc on a Hound’s digestion. (“Come quick I think, Wimsey is looking for a spot to poop—what color will it be this time? And what consistency—solid, liquid or something completely new that Wimsey has invented?? I can hardly wait to see!)

Another Wimsey creation: Lost –For a While. Hounds are stranded on a desert island (they thought they were going to a “dessert” island). After digging some holes and chasing some monkeys, they get bored, put their noses to the ground and go home.

Hound Anatomy: A group of high spirited Hound pranksters invade an urban hospital, replace all the medical texts and equipment with veterinary ones, perform life saving surgery on small, appealing children and conduct torrid affairs in the supply closet. They are finally ejected when even they refuse to eat the hospital food.

Human Whisperer: Follow renowned human trainer Wimsey Milan as he corrects such undesirable human behaviors as going to work, guarding food and furniture and refusing to walk for eight hours.

CSI: The Hound Squad: A hard-bitten senior Hound’s new partner is a misfit rookie Hound who is disturbingly quiet, intelligent, obedient, and odorless. Episode One: the rookie is reluctant to fling drool at perps.

Hound Trekker: A travelogue in which we follow Wimsey around the world in his exciting quest to find the perfect place to poop.

Psychic Hound: A Hound develops the uncanny ability to predict the future and uses his powers to manipulate human beings (alternative title: Ordinary Hound).

Desperate Hound Owners: Four unnaturally thin and beautiful older women in the tight knit community of Hound View struggle to find dates who don’t mind drool, stench, baying and the presence of a 125 pound dog in the bed.

Hound of the Baskervilles: A situation comedy in which the Baskerville family’s mischievous Hound delights in playing tricks on Mr. Doyle, the mystery writer who lives next door.

Extreme Makeover: Hound Edition: A deserving family receives the gift of a Hound who proceeds to redecorate and re-landscape their property in spectacular fashion.


But really, the crown jewel of the Wimsey Network (no, not the ones that attract such human male admiration on the street) is the new sports show: Xtreme Show Handling:

Al Michaels: Al Michaels and John Madden here in our show ring sky booth bringing you all the drama, sex and violence of Xtreme Show Handling right into your living room. Things could get a little bloody here folks, so this may not be a show for the kids.

John Madden: That’s right Al, and today’s action should provide plenty of excitement. All eyes today will be on Wimsey—he’s the wild card in the group, capable of anything or nothing—it all depends on which Wimsey decides to show up. And of course everyone is eager to know whether he will debut his illegal signature move the trop . I should add for those of you at home who are new to the sport, that the trop is neither a trot nor a pace and the Wimsey team has been lobbying show officials to make the trop an officially sanctioned gait. As you know, Wimsey is the only one who can execute this difficult maneuver correctly and its use would give him an enormous advantage over his competitors.

Al: A very astute observation, Dave. Now let’s get right to the action-- the Hounds have entered the ring and Wimsey is the first to stack. Let’s watch. Here’s his handler Elizabeth in her trademark Wimsey Green pants (as an aside Dave, where do you think these folks buy their clothes! Remind me to make sure my wife never shops there). OK. Look! Elizabeth is reaching for the front left leg to begin. That’s a bit uncharacteristic for her, isn’t it Dave.

Dave: That’s right Al, but I understand from watching her practice sessions that she’s committed to trying some fantastically innovative techniques here.

Al: OK! OK! She’s got the stack, but will Wimsey hold it?! You know he’s been known to disagree with her as to the placement of his feet and he can be pretty vocal about his opinions.

Dave: You’re telling me, Al—I still have ear damage from his last outburst. But right now all eyes are on Wimsey. Yes! Yes! He’s held the stack! What do you think Al, does this say anything about how he will gait?

Al: Unclear Dave. Unclear. One minute! Hold on! I understand the judge has just dropped a bombshell She’s asking for the triangle and not the down and back! This team has been practicing the down and back all week—I don’t think they’ve focused on the triangle at all. This is a huge miscalculation. What will they do…Hold on yes, there’s the liver; they’re going to go for it!

Dave: You can hear a pin drop out there. What do you think, Al.—has she got him worked up enough over the liver to really take command or has she over done it.

Al: Let’s see. He’s flinging quite a bit of drool—that could be bad. And they’re off! Oh no! Wimsey has decided to gallop; Elizabeth is struggling to take back on him; he’s not responding! This looks bad, Dave. Can she keep her footing! The crowd is on its feet—this must have been what it was like in the Roman amphitheaters, Dave. No! No! She’s down! The crowd is roaring for her to release the leash! Ouch, that looks nasty! I think we’ve seen the last of those ugly green pants Dave—those blood stains don’t look like they’re going to wash out anytime soon. But she continues to hang on! No! No! Hold it! She s dropped the lead Dave! Wimsey’s off! He’s charging. Wait! He’s suddenly stopped. Something’s caught his eye.

Dave: Look! He’s mounting the pretty bitch who was standing next to him! A little unorthodox perhaps, but I must say, I admire his taste. She’s a beauty. We’re just getting word from ringside that she’s won here two years in a row, so he’s certainly got a good eye for the ladies. Count on Wimsey to always put on a good show! No wonder the crowd loves him. Does he get disqualified for this by the way Al?

Al: Well this is an Xtreme show ring Dave. The potential for this kind of thing is what sells the tickets. I expect Wimsey’s earned an Award of Merit. And also pick of the litter.


Anyway, I certainly think my shows sounds more entertaining than the ones they’ve just announced—like a series about the cavemen from the Geico ad. What’s next—the love life of Betty Crocker?

Well in any case, there will be no TV watching tonight—it is another exciting Wimsey Bath Night and I understand that there is a 24 inch bully stick with my name on it. I am showing in Oyster Bay tomorrow which means that Elizabeth will once again get to wear the ugly green pants and Maria will have to overcome her crippling fear of the Cross Bronx Expressway (I intend to reassure her by whispering drool- laden encouragement in her ear). And best of all, one of the ladies will finally have to learn to pump gas—another new and useful skill they will have learned because of me. And of course, I will get to do whatever I want. As always.

Stay tuned.

Wimsey