Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 20
June 15, 2007

Hello Everyone! Wimsey here. Well this week I finally met another dog blogger—Sophie’s human (sophierulestheworld.blogspot.com), Sherry, who came all the way from Montreal to see me. I was able to give her a brief tour of the extensive Wimsey Central Park demesne and she has promised to return for further explorations. Sophie, unfortunately, was too busy to make the trip, and it occurs to me that a lot of humans travel in the summer without their hounds. Now apart from the obvious travesty of this, it did make me realize that the situation creates a golden opportunity to open Wimsey’s Hound House Hotel so that the traveling public need not entirely despair at being Houndless. I have been discussing my new concept extensively with my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth, who I think, both fail to appreciate my genius.

Brochure for Wimsey’s Hound House Hotel

From the moment you arrive at Wimsey’s Hound House Hotel, we make you feel at home. Notice the lush vegetation and our well fertilized lawn, which is dotted with an intricate and lively geometric pattern of small craters—an homage to the balance and symmetry of the great Le Notre. Our head gardener claims that the idea for this bold design came to him one night while he was hunting voles, but we feel that he is being far too modest. So excited are the staff by the beauty of his horticultural masterpiece that they all insist on taking part in its maintenance and upkeep. Indeed you will immediately notice the extraordinary amount of energy and enthusiasm with which the staff of Wimsey’s Hound House undertake their gardening duties.

But nothing will create more of an excited frenzy than your arrival! You will be greeted by a band of boisterous Mariachi Hounds direct from Mexico City, whose beautiful, harmonious voices will announce your arrival far and wide. Special acrobat Hounds from China will astound you with their leaping, prancing and spinning prowess and the Hawaiian Hounds will be on tap to present you with garlands of drool. Your bags will instantly be whisked away, and trying to get them back will provide you with many hours of enjoyable entertainment. and healthful exercise. Not to be outdone, our front desk staff is committed to making your check in at Wimsey’s Hound House an intensely personal affair—you will be welcomed with great intensity by large, vacuuming hound noses—no spot is too inconvenient or too embarrassing for our staff to reach. Any lapses in personal hygiene will be immediately called to your (and everyone else’s) attention. As a consequence of all this detailed scent acquisition, our staff will know where you are at all times and be ready to provide you with that daily chewed up newspaper or be on hand to refresh your cocktail with a nutritious glob of drool.

Once in your room you will notice the distinctive odor with which your room is redolent. This is our signature scent “Eau de St. Hubert” a bespoke perfume direct from Paris. It is meant to evoke a romantic medieval garden replete with the delightful scent of heroic hunting hounds. In fact, so intense is the aroma that you will still be able to enjoy it for many happy weeks after your stay with us has ended. And please notice the exquisite care with which our rooms are decorated—every wall has a unique and individually crafted designer drool pattern. Rugs are an especially luxurious treat—each one with our own patented plush hound hair pile. And good news for you gentlemen—at Wimsey’s Hound House the toilet seats are always up!

Next, it’s time for our award winning room service. We at Wimsey’s Hound House are ever mindful of the desire of the frequently traveling public for lighter cuisine. In aid of this, our Hounds will thoughtfully pre-diminish the size of the portions before they even reach your room—at no extra charge! While you enjoy your healthy dinner, feel free to listen to our audio entertainment—12 tracks of baying hounds. For our international visitors we have the French language St. Hubert’s Chorus, the German Der Wunderbar Bluthund, and the Muchos Sabuesos are on hand for the pleasure of our Spanish speaking guests.

To insure that guests get a good nights sleep (we at Hound House believe that sleep is an art form), experience our deluxe turn down service. Our maids will expertly dig up your bed-- and for that extra touch of home-- leave pieces of rawhide buried in inconvenient spots. It will be like you never left home! We guarantee you will sleep like a baby to the soothing piped in sound of the Snoring Hounds (Now available on CD at the gift shop).

And for those crucial dawn business meetings--never fear-- with our VIP “baying hound and icy nose snuffle” wake up service we guarantee that you will not sleep another wink. Or perhaps you have no business and would just like to kick back and relax? You can experience a variety of family safe recreational activities here at the Hound House. Want to swim but are nervous about the water? Not to worry-- our Olympic sized swimming pool is patrolled by a team of conscientious Newfoundlands who believe that no human is safe in the water. Ever. (“Yikes! Their feet have no webbing—they are all going to drown! We have to save them!) And they will promptly haul you out. On the tennis courts, increase your speed and fitness by competing with our team of Labradors to get to every shot (ever wonder how Roger Federer got so good?) Want to improve your golf score and impress your business colleagues—play a few holes with one of our specially trained daschund caddies—they dig your ball out of virtually anywhere and helpfully deposit it on the green. Or maybe you’re just a gym rat. Wimsey’s Hound House has a fully equipped gym for your sweating and grunting pleasure. Pit your abs and biceps against our Towing Machine (adjustable at small hound, medium hound, large hound and Wimsey settings). Or pump yourself up by hoisting bags of heavyweight kibble, either in free mode or as weights for our complete assortment of fitness machines. Flabby abs? Fear not—they will vanish in no time as you perform sit ups with a Hound sitting on your stomach. And you must surely spend time on our new state-of-the art motivational running track. Don’t think you can run fast? Think again--speed will be effortless as you chase down the Hound who has stolen your room key.

Wimsey’s Hound House is also pleased to offer the ladies a free treatment of choice from the Hound Spa:

Treatment List

Drool facial: Look years younger by slathering your face in fresh Hound drool imported from the exclusive drooling hounds of the Maldives.

Hound massage: Let a giant hound sit on all those tight, stiff and painful points on your body.

Mud bath: Immerse yourself in fresh mud courtesy of our gardening Hounds.

Detox Treatment: Retaining water—not after experiencing our Native American Hound’s Bladder Dance.

Cellulite: OK, not much the Hounds can do about that one, but look on the bright side—you provide a much cushier seat for your Hound.


Anyway, I think I will get cracking on my Hound Hotel business plan forthwith.

Other exciting news this week—(apart from the fact that we ran into Handsome Doberman Guy—Elizabeth keeps checking his left hand hoping his wedding band will mysteriously vanish)—I have been interviewed by the New York Times. They are doing a story on the service that takes me for a run every day called Running Paws (www.runningpaws.com). The daily run keeps me in tip top shape so I can drag my humans around even harder and for longer distances! And of course all this exercise keeps me trim which seems to inexplicably puzzle my humans (“I don’t know, Wimsey eats a lot, why is he still so thin?”) Well three daily walks and a run would tend to do it---and Elizabeth thinks I have a pointy head!

Anyway, the guys from the Times took lots of pictures (they thought I was very photogenic and they didn’t mind the drool on their lenses too much) of me and Louie my giant, vigorous Weimaraner running partner. Now, you ask, what behemoth of a man (or woman) runs in the park with not one, but two oversized dogs? Well that honor currently belongs to Roy—all 5’10” of him. Roy’s rather compact size has caused much head scratching amongst our humans (“Do you think Roy is an alien with special powers?” “Can dog walkers be nominated for medals of courage?” “Are there Hound tranquilizing drugs involved do you think?”). Roy’s mysterious powers shall remain a secret, known only to myself and Louie. It’s more fun that way.

Running Paws has also just opened a dog gym, so not only can we Manhattan dogs eat takeout Chinese, hang out at gelato stands, swill beverages at the Boat Basin Café but we can now trot (or pace) off to the gym. I expect to be going clubbing shortly.

Well, as much as I hate to leave off my literary endeavors (I fancy myself the Samuel Pepys of Hounds), it is a beautiful afternoon here in NYC and I have an urgent appointment with a tree.

Until next time,

Wimsey, prop. Hound House Hotel