Friday, May 2, 2008

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 65
May 2, 2008

Hello Everyone. It’s me Wimsey and they do say that April showers make May flowers so I have been doing my very best to water Central Park’s flowers (and trees and shrubs and grass). It’s all kept me very busy and my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth have been struggling to keep up with my active Wimsey lifestyle. All of this galloping and pacing about the Park is thirsty work and I always look forward to being served water in my personal canvas water dish that Elizabeth has permanently hooked onto her jeans (a
nother one of her elegant fashion statements, like the mud and drool encrusted clothing). And public spirited character that I am, I have been reporting all the broken fountains to the parks department—and they have been repairing them for me! I am sure that Mayor Bloomberg would not want to deprive a major public figure such as myself of the benefits of frequent hydration. I know this must weigh heavily on his mind when he is not thinking about other offices for which he can run (my personal assistant, perhaps?) But what can be more personally satisfying to him (or to anyone for that matter) than overseeing my comfort.

For instance, the other day my humans noticed a drop of blood on their hands as we were preparing to go out for a walk and this unleashed the Great Bloodhound Blood Hunt. Really I probably nicked myself playing with my running partner Louie the Weimaraner, but you would have thought that I had ruptured my jugular for all the excitement it generated. It was fantastic—the ladies inspected, rubbed and squooshed every bit of me hoping to identify the origin of this prodigious blood. Of course when they get hurt things are considerable more casual (“Oh. Wimsey dislocated my shoulder again. I wish he wouldn’t do th
at”).

But things have been rather quiet here in The City (New York being The City in the same sense that I am The Hound)—no visiting Popes or gubernatorial sex scandals or celebrities behaving badly (or at least not really badly). So on these slow news weeks (usually characterized by major stories involving Miley Cyrus and/or Paula Abdul); I think the denizens of the metropolis would enjoy reading the latest offering from Wimsey Publications: Hound and Hound Magazine (I see no value in the pesky “horse” part when it is really the hounds who are important).

Hound and Hound Magazine Feature Stories


Fashion: Straight from the Dogwalks of Milan: Go Go boots: (owners plead for Stop Stop boots)


Cooking: 1,000 new ways to prepare liver


Romance: Make him roll over and beg for it


Decorating: The first (and last) word in design “Don’t”


The Show Ring: Ten show stoppers


Trailing: Why finding lost squirrels is more fun than finding lost people


Fitness: Impressing humans with the importance of no pain (theirs) no gain (yours)


Grooming: Dirt roll your way to a healthy coat


Horticulture: How to pee on indoor bouquets without getting caught


Astrology: May’s fab forecast: dirt, drool and muck! (same as every month). Your humans will thank their lucky stars for you.


Pol
itics: Why 9 out 10 Americans think a Hound would make a better president


But Hound and Hound is only part of the Wimsey Media Empire. I also run the Wimsey Television Network from my couch high atop the floor of my upper west side apartment. I believe that my offerings are a vast improvement over the time wasting rubbish my humans usually watch (especially "The Dog Whisperer" which encourages them in the ridiculous notion that I should be better behaved): Here are some of the network’s upcoming shows:

Hound Big Brother: a group of attractive young people are locked up in a house with a lively Hound. They compete to leave the house.


The Bachelor: Hound Edition: A handsome black and tan Hound is introduced to a bevy of luscious female hounds. They steal his toys, eat his food, play with each other and completely ignore him.


America’s Worst Behaved Show Dog: each week America’s top show dogs compete to humiliate their handlers in the show ring.


The Biggest Loser: A group of overweight contestants grow exhausted and emaciated in the presence of a group of rambunctious Hounds: no one eats, no one sleeps, and everyone exercises!


Hound Road Show: Hounds present their most exciting “steals” for appraisal by a team of officious experts


Two and a Half Hounds: a human with two hounds has a lapse in sanity and acquires a puppy; fortunately there is nothing left in the house to destroy.


Hound Swap: Two families swap hounds hoping to get a better one. Disappointment ensues.


Hound: A high priced defense attorney Hound becomes a poor prosecuting one. He still wins all of his cases. Hounds usually do.


Ugly Hound: a show about a south of the border hound is rejected by the network because there are no ugly hounds to cast.


Are You Smarter Than a Hound: No. (A very short show)


Gossip Hound: a group of young Hounds misbehave on the Upper East Side. Also on the Upper west Side. Also in Midtown. Also in Greenwich Village. Also in Soho. Also in Tribeca…


Hound Who? A Hound with amnesia stuns friends and colleagues by acting like a Golden Retriever.


Project Hound Runway: A group of fashion forward Hounds create shocking designs from previously wearable clothing.


H
ounds Kitchen: A home movie.

(Here I am by the way with Sammy a young girl bulldog who hasn't learned to reject me yet!)


Anyway, so much frivolity is contrary to my essentially serious and dignified nature. And it is in the spirit of displaying this facet of my personality that I have chosen the subject of our visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art for this week. Today we examine the work of another great Dutch painter, Frans Hals. Hals is known for his lively, fresh portraits and loose brush strokes. He favored a silvery light and giving his portraits a “you are there” immediacy: Portrait of Willem van Heythusen (Frans Hals, circa 1625, Alte Pinakothek, Munich). Willem van Heythusen was a wealthy, religious yarn trader who used his wealth to establish two almshouses. However his serious and somewhat haughty demeanor makes him a little unsympathetic to our modern eye. But see how different he appears when painted in the company of a serious and haughty Hound who is guaranteed to get the better of him and keep him humble. Portrait of a Wimsey van Heythusen and his human.

Well time to go do something I am not supposed to.

Until next time,

Wimsey, media mogul














4 comments:

Biggie-Z said...

Hi Wimsey!

I think Hound & Hound is an excellent magazine. Would you like to consider recipes involving foods other than liver, though? Turkey, cheese, bacon, ground beef and marrow bones are good too.

Also, horses are good for 2 things: 1) barking at, and 2)horse fudge. It's delicious!

Licks, Biggie

Thoughts said...

Wimsey I would DEFINITELY watch your primetime lineup. Anything featuring a hound would be wonderful I bet.

Jaime (thoughtsfurpaws.com)

Mona said...

hi wimsey, it was so nice meeting you in the park yesterday! i will now be reading up on your daily adventures.
xo. you are adorable.
m

Nanook and Pooka the Newfoundlands said...

So...how IS the show business going??