Friday, May 23, 2008

Wimsey's Blog:Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound


Entry # 68
May 23, 2008

Hello Everyone. It’s me Wimsey wishing you a Happy Memorial Day Weekend! Here in New York City it’s Fleet Week (too bad it’s not Feet Week which sounds a lot smellier) which means that the harbor is crowded with impressive naval vessels and the streets are chock a block with navy men and women dressed in white! Apparently no one told them how dangerous it is to roam around in Bloodhound City in spotless white attire. My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth squeak in horror at the very sight of them (“Can they put Wimsey in the brig for messing up their clothes? Of course putting Wimsey in the brig for a while might not be such a bad idea…Can we build one?”). Personally I would love to go on board one of these vessels—I am particularly keen to visit the poop deck and make a contribution to the navy that can be visibly felt, smelled and stepped into. But although I don’t have webbed feet, I do enjoy trying to drag my humans into New York’s fountains and so have always fancied myself something of nautical Hound:


Aboard the USS Chien de St. Hubert

Hound Sailor: Ahoy Captain Wimsey! I smell the enemy approaching!

Captain Wimsey: Yes I detect a large catamaran downwind heading in our direction.

Hound Sailor: What shall we do—we can’t beat them at close combat—all their appendages come equipped with razor sharp retractable sabers!

Captain Wimsey: Never fear. They hate being wet. All hands to the rail! Lift legs ho! And remember, don’t squirt until you see the yellow of their eyes!

Hound Sailor: They’re fleeing! Such caterwauling! But I hear the sound of a submarine below us!

Captain Wimsey: We’ll have to use our depth charges. All hands, 90 degrees about turn! Tails up! Assume the position! Release depth charge!

Hound Sailor: That was quite an impressive volley Captain.

Captain Wimsey: I know. Cook put bran in their kibble.

Hound Sailor: Look Captain! There is a ship with humans approaching. The last time they captured us, they bathed us!

Captain Wimsey: All hands aim muzzles! Inhale! Lift! Bay!

Hound Sailor: They’re covering their ears with their hands and scurrying below. And their ship has stopped!

Captain Wimsey: Yes. Our Sonic Weapon shatters their navigation systems.
Hound Sailor: I thought Sanjay was particularly impressive today—such a fine, piercing baritone.

Captain Wimsey: Well it is not for nothing that he is known as “The Bay of Bengal!”

Anyway, it is supposed to be a beautiful weekend here and I intend to spend as much of it as possible out and about in search of white uniforms in need of decoration. And speaking of decorations, I notice that many of these naval folk sport some pretty nifty medals and awards, but I didn’t notice any of these:

Hound Decorations

Order of the Golden Stream: awarded by grateful humans for meritorious peeing in inclement conditions.

Pavarotti Memorial Medal: given to a Hound for ear drum shattering above and beyond the call of duty.

The Silver Hot Dog: awarded for the most daring snack attack.

The Brown Mound: given for the poop most impossible to scoop.

The Order of the Deaf Leopard: a highly competitive award conferred for exceptional non-response to obedience commands.

The Golden Clothespin: given to a Hound for outstanding stink and dispersion.

The St. Hubert Medal: an award given for courage in the face of an insurmountable bath tub.

The Golden Nose: awarded by Homeland Security to the Hound most diligent in looking for weapons of mass destruction in people’s pants.

The Sir Isaac Newton Prize: given to the Hound for most creative application of the laws of motion and principles of Newtonian physics in destroying the human musculoskeletal system.

The Albert Einstein Quantum Physics Award: Given for the outstanding conversion of kibble into energy.

The Alfred Hitchcock Medal: given to the Hound who drives the most number of humans psycho.

Grand Order of the Hound: a lifetime achievement award conferred for exceptional obnoxiousness and overall ability to destroy major household goods and appliances.

Well as I said, I am looking forward to being out and about this weekend leaving as many drooly marks on all those white outfits as possible. It would have been much easier to make a mess of them last week as it rained during my Sunday Central Park Expedition. Mud and muck truly brings out the artist in me. There was a festival on Amsterdam Avenue that I was planning on attending that got mostly rained out, which is a real shame since street fairs give my humans a chance to shop with me and my discerning and intrusive nose. Generally these fairs are an opportunity for me to inspect lots of merchandise, poke lots of fannies and cadge lots of food and water bottles from admiring humans. They’re like little villages in which I have the keys to the city. Of course, if I were organizing a fair it would be a little different.

Ye Olde Wimsey Faire

Booth # 1: Fried squirrels on a stick
Booth #2: Madame Houndia: Fortune Teller (“I see a large poop in your future.”)
Booth # 3: Bobbing for liver
Booth #4: Hot dog stealing contest
Booth # 5:Long distance drool flinging competition: win your weight in pig ears
Booth # 6 Magic fingers dog bed
Booth #7: More fried squirrels on a stick

Plus such perennial favorites as the maypole tug of war, tests of strength towing humans and the dirty underwear scavenger hunt. Prizes for the stinkiest Hound, most wrinkles, longest ears and worst behaved.

But right now I think we should nip into The Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art where in honor of Memorial Day and Fleet Week we look at the work of the great American landscape and seascape artist, Winslow Homer. Boy in a Boat (Winslow Homer, 1881, Art Institute of Chicago). Winslow Homer started his professional life as a lithographer and illustrator and later moved on to water colors and oils. He is famous for his luminescent landscapes and marine scenes. He painted this scene when he was staying on Ten Pound Island in the Bay of Gloucester in Massachusetts. In Boy in a Boat, Homer experiments with the use of scraping to supply highlights on the rock and with a transparent water color technique to capture the reflective surface of the water. The scene depicts a boy in his boat waiting for the return of his father from a day’s work at sea fishing. However, the boy looks very lonely and he is facing away from the sea, so how is he to know when his father is approaching? See how both issues are immediately solved by the insertion of a majestic nautical Hound who is gazing nobly out to sea ready to alert the boy the instant the father can be smelled! Isn’t he a distinguished looking Hound? Wimsey in a Boat.

Well now I am off to a well deserved romp in the Park (although by the time you read this it will no doubt be evening as I like to review my work after some vigorous exercise). Maria is apparently picnicking with some friends in the Sheep Meadow and I am off with Elizabeth in tow to crash the party. What else are Hounds for (and perhaps we shall see some white clad naval people…or better yet, actual sheep. White ones.)

Until next time—Happy Memorial Day,

Wimsey, The Gem of the Ocean (and the Upper West Side)








5 comments:

nativetxan said...

Oh Wimsey, I love your blog!! I stand in awe of your houndiness...

Chris & Mackenzie said...

Wimsey,

Glad to see you took some time to tip-toe through the tulips! :)

Wags - Chris & Mackenzie

TAPhillips said...

Hi Wimsey! We tagged you for the Japanese name game. How-to is at www.dogsayeview.blogspot.com.

Wuf Ya!
Gomer & Opie

Biggie-Z said...

Hi Wimsey. Even though I am not a Hound, may I be eligible for The Golden Nose? I am very good at going up skirts and making men sing soprano.

Sniffs, Biggie

P.S. are you guys around this weekend? WE're thinking of going up to Central Park later today but I might be too lazy.

Thoughts said...

Wimsey I noticed your giant orange squeaky toy under the couch in that last picture (and what a handsome devil you are), Are you savoring that thing or what?