Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #231

Entry #231

September 30, 2011

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from Manhattan’s Upper West Side where we have been having a strange reprise of summer, albeit of a gray and exceedingly humid kind. This has not sat well with my human Maria, her friend Elizabeth nor with me as we were all looking forward to some crisp autumn weather. So it has pretty much been a quiet week—it’s hard to build up a head of steam when your humans are dripping sweat on you and the skies are perpetually threating to dump even more moisture upon your person.

I have been towing down to the lake to cool off on a regular basis but have been precluded from another dip owing to the thick layer of green slime that has accumulated on the lake’s surface. And whereas I think a layer of green slime would enhance the beauty of my coat my humans think otherwise—so much for me trying to be green and organic.

And on the subject of the weather, as many of you know I am a rather inconsistent and idiosyncratic Hound and like to keep my humans guessing as to my reactions to everything from different foods to climactic conditions. So whereas in the past I have not been a big fan of heavy rain nor of thunderstorms—the latter generally inducing a need to return home so urgent in nature that the services of a gentle leader are required to keep my humans upright—this week I decided that I couldn’t care less.

Of course the fact that the thunderstorm in question occurred just as we were exiting (or trying to exit in the case of my humans) the park had absolutely nothing to do with it. It turns out that my humans were actually hoping for the storm to hit with the expectation that it would trigger the customary Wimsey Gallop for Home Sweepstakes. Dangerous yes, but also speedy. They would be a bit wet but at least they would be spared my customary dilatory park-leaving behavior and the ensuing pleading, food dangling and dragging needed to get me home.

But somehow this week the deluge of rain felt quite refreshing and the lightening and thunder were of no particular concern. Especially when there was the entertaining spectacle of watching the rain diffuse up Maria’s pant leg (physical phenomena that inconvenience my humans being one of my abiding interests) and of Elizabeth getting soaked from the inside with the effort of trying to get me to move with a bit more celerity. And then there was the pleasure of observing my humans’ total shock at watching me move with mincing Chihuahua steps as if it were a sunny day in May whilst thunder clapped and lightning bolted and I did not. That will certainly teach them not to be so complacent about predicting my behavior. When it comes to me, you never know. And if you did know you wouldn’t want to.

And of course when we finally got home I received a lovely towel massage and nice meal only after which could Maria don some dry apparel. I’ve said it many times and in many ways, but I love being me. My humans not so much.

And speaking of complacency, somehow whenever I insist on visiting the pedicabs my humans forget that some of the bikes have water bottles on them and just when it looks like I am merely about to sniff a pedicab seat, wham! --I’ve got the bottle in my mouth or very nearly so. How embarrassing for them. Such a shame that they don’t have better control of their animal.

Which makes me think that people really should be better informed when it comes to Hounds. Perhaps there should be one of those Dummy books:

Hounds for Dummies

(Personally, I think the title is redundant—people who have Hounds or are interested in obtaining them are by definition Dummies)

An exciting new offering from the Wimsey Publishing Company covering many important aspects of life with Hounds including:

Why Get a Hound:

- You’re bored. Really, really really bored.

-You are independently wealthy and have unlimited funds to keep replacing the same possessions your Hound keeps destroying.

-You are a masochist and your therapist thinks that letting a Hound ruin your life is preferable to having a human do it.

What to do about stealing:

Put away and lock up all your food and possessions so at least the Hound will have to work to figure out how to get to them in order to destroy them. Remember the Hound needs a job.

What to do about destructive behavior:

Learn to love minimal minimalism—no couch, no bed, no chairs, etc. You may not have any furniture but at least you won’t have to worry about bedbugs.

What to do about bed shoving:

Get a king sized bed and learn to sleep on the floor—it’s better for your back anyway.

What to do about the smell:

Nothing. After a while you won’t notice it. Unfortunately your friends will but it will get you out of hosting dinner parties and having visitors and houseguests.

(NB: Frequent bathing is of limited utility —bathing is a lot of work for the 48 hours of stench reduction baths typically engender.)

What to do about the drool:

-Hang a frame around the drool stains on the wall and tell people you are collecting abstract expressionist art.

-Take up house painting as a hobby

- Wear clothing with a high plastic or rubber content

-Buy a dry cleaning store

What to do about the pulling:

Get in better shape so you can keep up (and upright)

What to do about not having a life:

Remind yourself that you do have a life. It just belongs to your Hound.

Well anyway, on our Sunday walk I did swing by the Metropolitan Museum of Art—always a favorite stop, as it is redolent of the snack carts thereabouts and humans who smell of the snack carts thereabouts. And we generally meet a lot of people who are astonished to see a canine they associate with the backwoods of rural America strolling casually down Fifth Avenue posing for pictures and cadging snacks.

And while not technically cadging, I did terrorize one little Chinese lady who was foolish and inattentive enough to dangle her sandwich in my presence as she passed us. Dangling sandwiches and large Hounds are not a good combination (“if it’s dangling it’s mine”) and I think that my yanking in her direction and my stalking her and staring at her perhaps caused her to think that it was more her I was after rather than her sandwich. The abject fear on her face was a dead giveaway. My humans do try to prevent these pedestrian terrorizing activities but they are never a match for a Hound cum sandwich-seeking missile such as myself.

But I also like going to the museum because it makes me think of The Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art (http://wimseyhoundart.blogspot.com/ ) that houses my improved versions of some of the world’s most illustrious art works. It turns out that depending on how you Google search some of the these art works, you are directed to my handiwork which always makes me wonder how many people think that George Washington had a Hound in the prow of his boat when he crossed the Delaware or that there was a Hound trying to steal the Blue Boy’s hat.

Anyway, even though the weather wasn’t very good this week there were still plenty of people out and about, including a crew filming something that required a snack table in which I became extremely interested. (And my humans became extremely interested in getting me not to be extremely interested).

And there were the usual assortment of couples having their wedding pictures taken amid the arboreal splendor of Central Park. Now I am also always extremely interested in these wedding pictures —large swathes of swishy fabric offer some enticing possibilities for a textile-loving Hound such as myself. But my humans conscientiously strive to prevent me from being within drool flinging range of the bride and also from appearing as a conspicuous background feature in their pictures.

So imagine my surprise when, whilst hanging out on a park bench contentedly dripping drool on my human, one of these photographers approached us and explained that the bride and groom would like to be photographed with me! A very handsome and elegant couple they were too and obviously in possession of impeccable taste. Sadly I don’t have any photos of the photo shoot as my humans were too preoccupied with making sure the bride’s dress stayed white to take any photos themselves, but we’re hoping they will send us one that we can share.

And finally to wrap up, a couple we met at the Baying Hound Aleworks party in May passed through New York and I had an opportunity to take them for a walk in Central Park today. It was a splendid day in spite of only bagging one water bottle (in addition to the one they brought for me as a gift) and finding only one tennis ball that I attempted to consume. We visited Le Pain Quotidien where I obligingly bayed at the people trying to eat, tried to visit the Boat House Café for a tuna sandwich and rounded out the walk by pooping in a prickly bit of vegetation. Here we all are in front of the lake at Bethesda Fountain where I had to be persuaded to face the camera and not to attempt another aquatic foray.Well I think that is going to be it for this week. I’m looking forward to the cool weather that is moving in as Elizabeth has some new outerwear that needs Houndizing.

Until next time,

Wimsey, a Hound for Dummies