Friday, September 9, 2011

Wimsey's Bog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #228

Entry #228

September 9, 2011

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from the Upper West Side of Manhattan where we have had a stormy week. And the weather was bad too. We had an insane amount of heavy rain which displeased me greatly and by canine proxy made the life of my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth correspondingly miserable. Wet bored and smelly are unfortunate adjectives when applied to a 125 pound Hound who is feeling deprived of his usual amount of park tow time. And you can use your olfactory imagination as to the effect of persistently damp weather on an already significantly overripe Hound whose much-needed ablutions were cancelled due to the inclement conditions.

But the obnoxiousness really got its start on our Sunday afternoon walk. Such was the perfection of my behavior that I was forced to brag about it (and as you know I am a very modest Hound) on Facebook; so if you’ve already read about some of my antics, read about them again because really the grandeur of my exploits can never be repeated too many times. They should be like the oral tradition that many societies employ that are passed down over generations to educate the young of the tribe.

Perhaps some more repetition would have helped our friend Mary Margaret reconsider her decision to acquire a bloodhound puppy (although it is much more likely that the puppy acquired Mary Margaret). Apparently this fine young animal ate a $300 design book much to our friend’s dismay. My humans, however, were surprised that there was only one $300 design book involved but attributed this to the state of the puppy’s as yet incomplete digestive prowess. Given the fact that Mary Margaret reads this blog and has actually met me, perhaps her expectations should be adjusted accordingly. She is hoping her Hound will grow out of its destructive proclivities whereas my humans know that it will actually grow into them. A fact to which our friend Gus the Bloodhound of Alaska (aka “The Gusinator”) and his humans can readily attest. Gus is four years of age and still going strong in every sense of the word (lately he decided that the family’s white carpet needed some livening up—say to a more cheerful orange color to combat the long Alaska winter—and effected a the change via the liberal application of indelible chai tea).

The depth of human gullibility vis a vis we Hounds never fails to astonish me. My humans spend considerable amounts of time trying to educate the unsuspecting public about the perils of Hound ownership but to little avail. I suspect that people think 1) my humans are exaggerating, 2) nothing that cute can be that bad 3) my humans are simply incompetent when it comes to dogs and 4) Their Hound will be different. My humans wring their hands. I snicker. Perhaps Maria should add last night’s escapades to her war stories: owing to the fact that I wished to sleep the wide way across all the bed’s pillows and Maria wished to obtain at least part of a pillow. I vacated the bed in a huff and proceeded to spend the rest of the night flapping my ears next to her head. (And for the uninitiated, the sound made by long, heavy Hound ears in vigorous flap is not something that is consistent with a restful night’s sleep). Personally, as a great admirer of raccoons, I think Maria’s eyes look nice that way.

But I digress. Sunday got off to a great start as on our way to the park we met this delightful creature. Her named is Gucci (like my favorite snack shoes!) and her humans are training her to be a guide dog for the blind. I am always amazed at dogs that do things for people instead of to them! But I too would like to wear a snazzy little vest if only there were service jobs that I were qualified to do:

Potential Wimsey Service Jobs

Guide Dog for the Sighted: Do you like to visit all the best places? Be in the know with the Guide Dog for the Sighted who will make sure that sighted humans are guided to appropriate places, such as parks, gelato stands, frozen yogurt and gourmet ice cream shops, food trucks, pizza parlors, pet stores (toy, treat and chew sections only), garbage mounds, car rental agencies, benches where people are eating lunch, fields where people are having picnics, outdoor cafes where people are eating dinner, sports activities involving stray balls or Frisbees, film crew catering trucks, film and TV location shoots where loud baying is not in the script and to bodies of water in which a dog taking a dip incurs a heavy fine. Also, it is important to keep humans away from inappropriate places such as the vet’s office, the pet store (grooming supplies, no pull harnesses and gentle leaders and canine clothing sections) and the bathtub.

Smelling Nose Dog: It is a well-known fact that humans have a poor sense of smell. The Smelling Nose Dog helps overcome this handicap by alerting olfactorily deficient humans to important scents such as passersby who are wearing dirty underwear, sweaty clothes or who have poor personal hygiene, ladies who are having their time of the month, juicy rats lurking in bushes or in near garbage cans, raccoon spoor, heavily urinated upon grass onto which they might like to roll, deceased wildlife, the edible contents of other people’s shopping bags and decayed food items for a quick sidewalk snack.

Wingman Service Dog for the Chronically Shy: Hate going to parties where you don’t know anyone? The Wingman Service Dog accompanies humans to cocktail parties and prevents them from standing awkwardly alone in the corner. The Wingman Hound is trained to drag reluctant humans over to complete strangers and introduce them to his human by dint of poking them with his muzzle, leaning on them with his hefty, hair shedding body, sitting painfully on their feet, attempting to share their cocktail snacks, inserting his tongue into their wine or cocktail glasses, standing on his head and spinning around, rolling over and thwacking them with a paw until they scratch his belly and attracting a crowd by flinging drool on them and baying loudly. The highly trained and gregarious Wingman Hound believes that there are no such thing as strangers, just irate people that he hasn’t met yet.

Food Tasting Dog: Is your food safe? Is it tasty? It is the purpose of the Food Tasting Dog to reassure alimentarily anxious people that their food is untainted by frightening microorganisms and that it is pleasing to the palate. The Food Tasting Dog is capable of utilizing his skill both on food that you have spent hours cooking and preparing as well as on the raw stuff straight out of the refrigerator. No food item is beneath his notice and his vigilant supervision of kitchen activities is legendary. Fortunately tainted food will not harm the Food Tasting Dog— unwholesome food will simply reappear as a steaming, regurgitated mound on the living room carpet.

Landscaping Assistant: Hate having a yard and garden that look like the one your neighbor has? The Landscaping Assistance Dog will change all that forever and give your property a distinctive look impossible to emulate by conventional means. Flowers with no heads, artistically placed holes, shrubs that look like they have been designed by Dali and much more can be yours. (Many Landscaping Assistance Dogs have co-certification as Fence Assistance Dogs too).

Yoga and Physical Fitness Assistance Dog: This assistance dog will help you maximize the benefits of your yoga and physical fitness program. Are you finding it too easy to hold a yoga position? Then try doing it with the 125lb Yoga Assistance Dog sitting on top of you. Are you finding it difficult to attain maximum stretch? No stretch is too difficult with an extra 125lbs of mass pushing on those reluctant muscles. And of course doing sit ups with the Yoga and Physical Fitness Assistant sitting on your stomach is a great way to tone the abdominal muscles that you will need to stay upright when he drags you around outside.

Zen Assistance Dog: The purpose of the Zen Assistance Dog is to help you achieve enlightenment. Through the systematic and sequential destruction of your personal possessions the Zen Assistance Dog will liberate you from dependence on material objects. Moreover the Zen Assistance Dog will also undertake the systematic and sequential destruction of your ego and remove any illusory and unhealthy feelings of control over your life that you may have harbored. Humans who employ a Zen Assistance Dog come to realize that their life is governed by a higher power beyond the reach of human control.

Well you get the idea. I have spoken many times about the efficacy of the Wimsey Diet in promoting weight loss so I guess I am already a service dog although whom exactly I serve is open for debate.

But I was speaking about the outstanding day in the park that I had Sunday. Here is a taste of what happened:

Wimsey Park Activity Log

1:10pm: Got off to excellent start by finding broken tennis ball and attempting to eat same. Humans, paralyzed by visions of Vet Visit$ Future, sprang into action with fistfuls of turkey. Did not relinquish moldy prize until sufficient quantity of bird produced.

1:45pm: Turkey bribing thirsty work so began cooling off operations in the Central Park Stream. Found intact tennis ball and began playing splashy Hound soccer with it much to the delight of a large, attentive crowd. No one else able to use stream until finished.

2: 10 pm: Finally got bored with soccer and decided it would be nice to jump in the Central Park Lake with Elizabeth attached. She disagreed.

2:15 pm: Decided to revisit jumping in the lake idea. Same result.

2:20pm: Began eyeing Bethesda Fountain as alternative to Lake when distracted by water bottle (Poland Spring my favorite!) that needed to be killed. One of five that I bagged that day.

2:25pm: Finished with water bottle and found miscellaneous organic matter to ingest. Humans undecided as to whether it was rotten food or animal poop but certain that the ensuing gastric consequences would be messy.

2:35pm: Very hot. Elizabeth bought a soda as keeping us out of the lake apparently very dehydrating. Launched a sneak attack on bottle just as she was about to drink bashing same into her teeth.

3:00pm: Decided to take a break. Lay down in one of the many excellent spots where there is no place for my humans to sit forcing them to stand around watching me relax.

3:30 pm: Constant demands to be fed cookies having stimulatory effect on bowels. Jammed butt up against fence so poop fell on both sides necessitating maximum amount of effort for its retrieval.

4:00pm: Ladies decided perhaps we should start to head home. I disagreed. Heinous Gentle Leader waved under my nose in threatening manner. Distance to home: 1.5 miles. Rate at which I walked: 1.5 miles/hour

4:30pm: Took a break from Chihuahua sized steps to haul ass over to a pedicab and attempt to board. Engaged in prolonged loud baying when prevented.

5pm: Home to the AC. Ignored disgusting, non-turkey augmented kibble in my bowl and commenced nap on the couch. Need to keep up my strength for when neighbor’s cat appears in our shared garden.

And a delightful day was had by all. Well really only by me. Anyway, it made up for the fact that most of the week was just rain. However, the week was still exciting because my picture appeared in tony Draft magazine next to a write up on my brewery, Baying Hound Aleworks. My humans bought up all the copies in Barnes and Noble and have been practically running up to strangers on the street to show them. My picture is also appearing in the East Tennessee Bloodhound Rescue’s 2012 calendar. I am Mr. December and if you want to contribute to a good cause and buy a calendar visit

Well I think that is about all for this week. Hopefully we will have some better weather next week for me to drag my humans out in. Of course I did get a bath yesterday which means that that stinky lake is looking awfully good. Perhaps Elizabeth should invest in some water wings.

Until next time,

Wimsey, a model Hound

1 comment:

Bentley said...

Hmm, does a zen service dog also help humans with patience? My human mom says that trying to train a bloodhound (ha! We all know how that goes!) has made her much more patient.

Excellent post, as usual.