Entry #275
September 8, 2012
Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from Manhattan’s
Upper West Side where Labor Day not withstanding we are still having summery
weather that is not to my liking. I have
been forcing my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth to run their air
conditioners non-stop for my comfort, thus making my carbon foot print pretty
much like my regular one—large and expensive (see: vet visits for lick
granuloma). But of course I do return
recycled organic matter to the earth at very frequent intervals and in great
profusion so I think Mother Nature and I are all square.
Evidence for the
Existence of Vampire Wimsey
Physical characteristics:
Fangs (kept in top
condition by daily tooth brushing with peanut butter toothpaste)
Pale skin (cleverly disguised by dense black and tan fur but
which is readily discernible during my frequent roll overs for belly rubs)
Unaccountable strength (the uncanny ability to tow two
screaming humans in directions that they don’t want to go, like into the
Central Park Lake)
Extreme cravings for certain types of food (yours)
Often feels fatigued and tired despite adequate food and
activity level (as evinced by my need to sprawl out in the middle of the
kitchen when anyone needs to use it)
Able to heal quicker than others (generally an hour before a
visit to the vet)
No reflection (when looking into a mirror another dog
appears instead)
Mental Characteristics
Strong willed, independent, confident nature (no comment)
Intellectual, highly intelligent (about anything that
matters to me; about anything that matters to you, not so much)
Predatory nature (persistent belief that despite weighing
125lbs can I sneak up on a squirrel undetected)
Moody (can go from loud greeting bay to demanding gimme that
bay to I want to inhale small dog bay in a matter of seconds)
Nocturnal nature (requires frequent loud drinks of water,
crunchy kibble snacks and drool dispensing ear flapping throughout the night;
when staying with Elizabeth also conducts bed checks to make sure she hasn’t
escaped because I know that she wants to)
Psychic abilities
Telepathy (ability to make humans transfer food from their
plates to my jaws)
Mind reading (knowing when a bath is being contemplated and
taking evasive counter measures; see also, disappearing)
Reading auras (can detect petting and food sharing auras
emitted by complete strangers over long distances and tow thither)
Clairvoyance (being able to predict that there is a loud,
high-pitched squeaky tennis ball in the future of any human attempting to use
the telephone).
So pretty much I am probably a regular vampire as opposed to
just being the time stealing kind that my humans always accuse me of. It’s true that I don’t bite my humans and
suck their blood but I do take a big bite out of their bank accounts and suck
out the contents which I think amounts to pretty much the same thing.
And although it’s been a quiet week around here it’s at
least been a satisfactory one from a culinary point of view---in addition to
the aforementioned gelato I’ve had everything from leftover baked yams to the
turkey hero Elizabeth didn’t have time to eat when she rushed off to a
conference. I hate to see food go to waste—we Hounds are very public spirited
like that.
And although no turkey heroes were involved, my afternoon
walk Thursday was especially entertaining; Elizabeth had just come from the
dentist under the influence of the 10mg of Valium that they gave her because,
although large shelter dogs with bad attitudes don’t seem to trouble her, men
in white coats with drills do. It was all “Sure Wimsey go ahead and have that
piece of pizza lying in the street,” and “I can’t seem to find your spit rag
but I’m sure no one minds you flinging drool on them” and “Any direction that
you want to go in is fine with me.” Of
course then we went back to her apartment and she took a long nap which was
very annoying as I am the only one permitted to take long naps. What happens if
I need to be scratched when I wake up?
Of course a bloodhound in the White House would bring a
whole new meaning to the concept of presidential service and ensure that no
president abused his powers—that privilege belongs only to Hounds. And although the presence of a bloodhound in
the White House would call into question the incumbent’s sanity I think it
would certainly make for a more colorful administration and keep the nation
entertained as well. As the saying goes, “no man is a hero to his valet and all
heroes are valets to their Hounds.” 
Anyway, I think I will leave it there for this week. Am
looking forward to transitioning from Vampire Wimsey to Abominable Snow Man
Wimsey.
Until next time,
Wimsey, Hail to the Chief (Hound)
1 comment:
You have so many exciting adventures! There are no gelato carts here & no celebrities. No matter, still lots of things to sniff!
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