Saturday, August 3, 2013

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #314

Entry #314
August 3, 2013

Hello Everyone, it is me, Wimsey (I know, it should read “It is I, Wimsey” to be grammatically correct but taking liberties with grammar is the least of the liberties we Hounds take and grammatical liberties are far less expensive than those that we take with our humans’ time and possessions) coming to you from the Upper West Side of Manhattan where summer is in full swing in the sun and I am in full nap in the shade.  But never fear, this does not mean that I have been any less annoying, trying and aggravating to my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth.  So here is a brief synopsis:
Sunday: My humans wanted to go one way down the Central Park bridle path and, I wanted to go another way. The classic Hound vs. Human stalemate that results in a choreography that is minuet-like in its precision: Step A: I lay down and refuse to move. Step B: My humans tug at my leash. Step C: I roll on my back so they can’t tug on my leash. Step D: People stop to admire me doing this. Step E: I get up and shake. Step F: My humans tug on my leash. Repeat starting with Step A.  The stalemate is generally broken either by going in the direction that I want or by bribing me with turkey to go the direction that they want. Either way, I win.
Monday: Monday was hot and sunny so I dragged Elizabeth down to the Boat Basin Café during our afternoon walk, extorted Milk Bones from the staff, spat out the latest gourmet cookie that Elizabeth tried to use to get me to leave the Boat Basin Café and finally lay down in one of my favorite fields by the Hudson to while away the afternoon watching the boats go by while Elizabeth tried not to think about all the stuff that she should be doing instead of whiling away the afternoon watching the boats go by. That evening it was cool so I decided to take my humans to Central Park for an indefinite perambulation.  They tried to convince themselves that eating dinner at 10pm is sophisticated and European.

Tuesday:  Tuesday was hot and sunny so rather than going to one of the nice shady parks I decided to go on a tour of the hot city streets.  Fortunately these all seem to lead to air-conditioned pet shops with attentive staffs proffering free snacks. Elizabeth felt guilty so she bought a de-stinking wipe for me because she’s already purchased all of the toys and bones that these places sell.  Owing to this circumstance she was forced to use the Dr. Fosters and Smith catalog to find me a toy that I don’t already own—in this case a giant green hippo. She was pleased with her choice when it arrived until she found the packing peanuts in my water bowl.

Wednesday:  Wednesday I decided that I did not wish to walk and only after much pleading did I lift my leg a few times before repairing to Elizabeth’s apartment for a large yam, turkey and kibble lunch and some serious Zs. The serious Zs led to some serious Fs since I had consumed 13 cups of kibble in a little over 24 hours creating a beehive of gaseous activity in my digestive tract.  Elizabeth discovered that the exhaust feature of her powerful, new keep-the-Hound-cool air conditioner was no match for 13 cups of digesting kibble.

Thursday and Friday: Disaster! Maria took these as vacation days from work so I had to stay home with her instead of going over to Elizabeth’s where I was at a crucial stage in a bully stick deconstruction. I vented my spleen by trying to drag her to Elizabeth’s anyway and by being exceptionally difficult about my eye ointment.  Elizabeth showed up for my evening walks and tried to make amends by feeding me another new snack which I promptly spat out at her.  We Wimseys cannot be bought! (At least not by anything that does not come from Fairway’s deli or meat counter).

So that was the condensed version of my week.  But in addition to being a time to avoid the heat and sunshine and bask in the AC, summer is also a time for movies. This year’s crop has not been much of a success and when you take a closer look at them it is obvious what the issues are:

Wimsey’s Summer Movie Critique

After Earth: Another movie set in the future in which humans have destroyed the earth and are living on another planet.  However, through various plot devices the characters have to go back there so the audience can appreciate the full horror of Homo sapiens mismanagement.  Yawn.  Why is it that Earth 1,000 years in the future is always polluted, destroyed, irradiated or ruled by apes? And the damage isn’t even blamed on Hounds which would make it much more believable. And as for the apes part—we would have chosen squirrels.

The Internship: A comedy in which two idiots go to work at Google because corporations have an acute shortage of them.
Now You See Me: A team of illusionists’ pull off bank heists during their act. And then the Family von Trapp comes to sing.

Man of Steel: Instead of yet another Superman flick, what about one about a Super Hound: “Up on the couch! Look! It’s an adorable stuffed toy! It’s a methane factory! It’s an obnoxious dog! It’s SuperHound! Yes it’s SuperHound—a loud visitor from the planet Krypton who came to Earth with powers and abilities far beyond those of normal canines.  SuperHound who can leap tall kitchen counters with a single bound, race a speeding rump roast to the refrigerator, eat furniture legs with his bare teeth and who, disguised as A Bloodhound, a mild-mannered canine loafing around a great Metropolis fights the never ending battle to get his own way.”  Now this is a film worth paying the price of a bottle of gin for.

This Is the End: Why wait 1,000 years for visions of an apocalyptic earth? The Book of Revelations meets Hollywood with predictable results. Apparently sex, drugs and rock ‘n roll are frowned upon in apocalyptic circles.  Who knew.

Monsters University: No, not a film about an institution that trains Hounds to be show dogs but an animated prequel about how a couple of monsters became friends while studying how to scare kids.  Of course we Hounds don’t need to go to a university to know how to scare kids-- that baying at them, knocking them over and stealing their toys works just fine.

World War Z:  A virus turns people into Zombies! (This happens every winter when Maria gets a cold but no one makes a movie about it). Fortunately for the Zombie-threatened world Brad Pitt needs to make money to support all his kids.

If you liked these, there is another Zombie movie (RIPD) about Zombie police officers (Zombies are the new Vampires), another resurrected action hero (The Lone Ranger) and a movie in which Bruce Willis and his team try to prevent an apocalypse, nuclear this time  (Red 2), and so many other riveting products of Hollywood’s recycling mill that space prevents me from critiquing them all. But this is excellent news for me since it means that my humans will not be leaving me alone any time soon to visit the cinema because watching me nap is more entertaining.  I have even created a Hound shaped space in the ivy bed in the back garden for this very purpose where I can dream about animated Hound Zombies roaming the earth to create the next apocalypse by digging enormous sinkholes, poisoning the atmosphere with noxious gasses and consuming the earth’s food supply until thwarted by the heroic triumvirate of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Beethoven.

Anyway, my humans can always use the spare cash they save by not going to the movies to pay their electric bills. We Hounds are addicted to our own comfort and our humans are addicted to us so it all works out. Now they just have to figure out how to keep me air conditioned when I go outside.

Until next time,

Wimsey, the Summer Zombie Hound

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