Entry #314
August 3, 2013
Hello Everyone, it is me, Wimsey (I know, it should read “It
is I, Wimsey” to be grammatically correct but taking liberties with grammar is
the least of the liberties we Hounds take and grammatical liberties are far
less expensive than those that we take with our humans’ time and possessions)
coming to you from the Upper West Side of Manhattan where summer is in full
swing in the sun and I am in full nap in the shade. But never fear, this does not mean that I
have been any less annoying, trying and aggravating to my human Maria and her
friend Elizabeth. So here is a brief
synopsis:
Sunday: My humans
wanted to go one way down the Central Park bridle path and, I wanted to go
another way. The classic Hound vs. Human stalemate that results in a
choreography that is minuet-like in its precision: Step A: I lay down and
refuse to move. Step B: My humans tug at my leash. Step C: I roll on my back so
they can’t tug on my leash. Step D: People stop to admire me doing this. Step E:
I get up and shake. Step F: My humans tug on my leash. Repeat starting with
Step A. The stalemate is generally
broken either by going in the direction that I want or by bribing me with
turkey to go the direction that they want. Either way, I win.
Monday: Monday
was hot and sunny so I dragged Elizabeth down to the Boat Basin Café during our
afternoon walk, extorted Milk Bones from the staff, spat out the latest gourmet
cookie that Elizabeth tried to use to get me to leave the Boat Basin Café and
finally lay down in one of my favorite fields by the Hudson to while away the
afternoon watching the boats go by while Elizabeth tried not to think about all
the stuff that she should be doing instead of whiling away the afternoon
watching the boats go by. That evening it was cool so I decided to take my
humans to Central Park for an indefinite perambulation. They tried to convince themselves that eating
dinner at 10pm is sophisticated and European.
Tuesday: Tuesday was hot and sunny so rather than
going to one of the nice shady parks I decided to go on a tour of the hot city
streets. Fortunately these all seem to
lead to air-conditioned pet shops with attentive staffs proffering free snacks.
Elizabeth felt guilty so she bought a de-stinking wipe for me because she’s
already purchased all of the toys and bones that these places sell. Owing to this circumstance she was forced to
use the Dr. Fosters and Smith catalog to find me a toy that I don’t already
own—in this case a giant green hippo. She was pleased with her choice when it
arrived until she found the packing peanuts in my water bowl.
Wednesday: Wednesday I decided that I did not wish to
walk and only after much pleading did I lift my leg a few times before
repairing to Elizabeth’s apartment for a large yam, turkey and kibble lunch and
some serious Zs. The serious Zs led to some serious Fs since I had consumed 13
cups of kibble in a little over 24 hours creating a beehive of gaseous activity
in my digestive tract. Elizabeth
discovered that the exhaust feature of her powerful, new keep-the-Hound-cool
air conditioner was no match for 13 cups of digesting kibble. 
Thursday and Friday:
Disaster! Maria took these as vacation days from work so I had to stay home
with her instead of going over to Elizabeth’s where I was at a crucial stage in
a bully stick deconstruction. I vented my spleen by trying to drag her to
Elizabeth’s anyway and by being exceptionally difficult about my eye
ointment. Elizabeth showed up for my
evening walks and tried to make amends by feeding me another new snack which I
promptly spat out at her. We Wimseys
cannot be bought! (At least not by anything that does not come from Fairway’s
deli or meat counter).
So that was the condensed version of my week. But in addition to being a time to avoid the
heat and sunshine and bask in the AC, summer is also a time for movies. This
year’s crop has not been much of a success and when you take a closer look at
them it is obvious what the issues are:
Wimsey’s Summer Movie
Critique
After Earth:
Another movie set in the future in which humans have destroyed the earth and
are living on another planet. However,
through various plot devices the characters have to go back there so the
audience can appreciate the full horror of Homo sapiens mismanagement. Yawn. Why is it that Earth 1,000 years in the
future is always polluted, destroyed, irradiated or ruled by apes? And the
damage isn’t even blamed on Hounds which would make it much more believable.
And as for the apes part—we would have chosen squirrels.
The Internship: A
comedy in which two idiots go to work at Google because corporations have an
acute shortage of them.
Now You See Me: A
team of illusionists’ pull off bank heists during their act. And then the
Family von Trapp comes to sing.
Man of Steel:
Instead of yet another Superman flick, what about one about a Super Hound: “Up on the couch! Look! It’s an adorable
stuffed toy! It’s a methane factory! It’s an obnoxious dog! It’s SuperHound!
Yes it’s SuperHound—a loud visitor from the planet Krypton who came to Earth
with powers and abilities far beyond those of normal canines. SuperHound who can leap tall kitchen counters
with a single bound, race a speeding rump roast to the refrigerator, eat
furniture legs with his bare teeth and who, disguised as A Bloodhound, a
mild-mannered canine loafing around a great Metropolis fights the never ending
battle to get his own way.” Now this
is a film worth paying the price of a bottle of gin for.
This Is the End: Why
wait 1,000 years for visions of an apocalyptic earth? The Book of Revelations
meets Hollywood with predictable results. Apparently sex, drugs and rock ‘n
roll are frowned upon in apocalyptic circles.
Who knew.
Monsters University: No,
not a film about an institution that trains Hounds to be show dogs but an
animated prequel about how a couple of monsters became friends while studying
how to scare kids. Of course we Hounds
don’t need to go to a university to know how to scare kids-- that baying at
them, knocking them over and stealing their toys works just fine.
World War Z: A virus turns people into Zombies! (This
happens every winter when Maria gets a cold but no one makes a movie about it).
Fortunately for the Zombie-threatened world Brad Pitt needs to make money to
support all his kids.
If you liked these, there is another Zombie movie (RIPD)
about Zombie police officers (Zombies are the new Vampires), another
resurrected action hero (The Lone Ranger) and a movie in which Bruce Willis and
his team try to prevent an apocalypse, nuclear this time (Red 2), and so many other riveting products
of Hollywood’s recycling mill that space prevents me from critiquing them all.
But this is excellent news for me since it means that my humans will not be
leaving me alone any time soon to visit the cinema because watching me nap is
more entertaining. I have even created a
Hound shaped space in the ivy bed in the back garden for this very purpose
where I can dream about animated Hound Zombies roaming the earth to create the
next apocalypse by digging enormous sinkholes, poisoning the atmosphere with
noxious gasses and consuming the earth’s food supply until thwarted by the
heroic triumvirate of Lassie, Rin Tin Tin and Beethoven.
Anyway, my humans can always use the spare cash they save by
not going to the movies to pay their electric bills. We Hounds are addicted to
our own comfort and our humans are addicted to us so it all works out. Now they
just have to figure out how to keep me air conditioned when I go outside.
Until next time,
Wimsey, the Summer Zombie Hound
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