August 9, 2013
Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from Manhattan’s Upper West Side where summer activities continue apace. For my part this mostly involves air conditioning and naps and for my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth’s part this mostly involves feeding me desirable things to get me to abandon air conditioning and naps and to go outside to take care of business. Unfortunately I tend to view the business to be taken care of more in the light of opportunities to hoover the ground for discarded comestibles and to socialize with admiring humans and fellow canines. There is nothing that encourages anal retentiveness in a Hound quite so much as humans who wish him to eliminate in a straightforward and expeditious manner. It is a fundamental tenet of Houndism that if humans want you to do something it is something that ought not to be done (along with its corollary that if humans don’t want you to do something it is manifestly your Houndly duty to do it).
But anyway there is no question that eating and napping played a very large role in this week’s affairs. So let’s start with eating. It is very hot outside so I generally wish to consume things that are cold, such as a slice of turkey fresh from the fridge or a nice, tasty cup of gelato. Sadly the Grom Gelato store that was around the corner from me closed and I have been forced to consume alternative gelatos. So here for the edification of humans and untutored Hounds I present a volume from the Wimsey Guide Series on How to be an Effective Hound:
Wimsey’s Guide to Cadging Gelato
Step 1: Approach the counter and gaze casually into the distance as if contemplating whether the available gelato is worth the effort of procuring and consuming it.
Step 2: Inhale deeply and smell the gelato aroma whilst reading the gelato menu.
Step 3: Attract the attention of the manager and make her aware of the presence of a gourmet gelato-loving Hound.
Step 4: Entertain the manager, perhaps by baying loudly in her face when she asks if you’d like some gelato.
Step 6: When the cup of gelato is placed on the ground in front of you, look horrified and confused and have your servants educate the manager about how gelato must be spoon fed by a kneeling human. Have the human demonstrate.
Step 7: Enjoy the gelato. Very much in the manner of the kings of France I like to be watched and admired whilst I eat. There is nothing quite so gratifying as eating something delicious while those around you are not.
Thus fortified, I was able to continue on to Central Park and to hunt for a shady place to lie down. This is not as simple as it seems because the only acceptable shady places to lie down are those in which it is uncomfortable for my humans also to do so. I prefer them to stand and admire me lying down in a shady place and if they attempt to shirk their duty and sit I get up and find a different spot. This tends to lead to a number of “I hate you’s” which loosely translates as “Goody boy, Wimsey.”
And speaking of lying down, it had come to my humans’ attention that there are a paucity of comfortable spots in my little back garden in which to lay owing to the fact that most of the garden is graveled over to deter rodentian residence. There are now two Hound shaped sections on what was formerly known as the flowerbeds, which apart from some paving stones, are my only napping options. Much research was done on solutions to the pressing problem of my outdoor comfort and this week an XXL Kuranda bed (in Wimsey Green, my most flattering color) arrived. As you can see it is getting a lot of use. But to be fair, the weather has not been conducive to outdoor lounging with or without a Kuranda so it remains to be seen whether or not I decide to nap on it. However, according to the Wimsey Algorithm whereby the degree to which I will use something is inversely proportional to its expense, it’s not looking promising.
Anyhow, it has been a quiet summer week—no royal babies or sexting politicians to discuss-- but there is one topic that is so fascinating that my humans discuss it endlessly. Drool. Principally they debate whether it is a liquid or a solid, since it displays properties of both—it drips on the carpet and on clothing like a liquid but you can also remove it as an intact string or glob from your coffee like a solid. And although I produce enormous quantities of the stuff year round, summer is a special time of enhanced drool output. My humans have often wondered if my drool could be turned into a commercial product so as to offset some of the costs of living with a high living Hound such as myself. If spider silk is Nature’s Kevlar, what could drool be good for? I have some ideas:
1. Sunscreen: I am confident that no nasty ultra violet rays can penetrate drool’s viscous goodness, thus protecting the skin when humans are outdoors endlessly perambulating with their Hounds. And since so much of what I produce ends up on my humans’ faces anyway they don’t have to worry about remembering to apply it.
2. Do-it-yourself post-its: Take ordinary cheap paper and turn it into post-its! This not only cuts down on the office supply bill but also enables you to freely post notes around the house to remember to rub the Hound’s belly hourly, keep track of which cookies are his current favorites and reminders to search Amazon.com for new toys to keep him amused.
3. Hair mousse: Forget about having to buy expensive hair products—drool quickly dries to provide a firm hold for any hairstyle. It’s especially useful for short hair where it makes a lovely Mohawk when humans fail to notice that its been deposited and run their fingers through their hair.
4. Batiking clothing: The BoHo look never goes out of style and you can become your own fashion designer by creating one of a kind garments with a variety of attractive swirls and organic patterns in a variety of colors and textures (results vary depending on what your Hound has been up to or in to lately). Sell them on eBay and Etsy for those extra shekels so needed by those who live with Hound$.
5. Christmas tree ornaments: tinsel icicles are a cliché, plastic ones are liable to end up in your Hound’s belly requiring expensive extraction surgery and the real ones melt. So why not eschew the artificial and take a natural approach to the problem of Christmas tree icicles? Droolsicles won’t melt, they glisten like the real thing and your Hound probably has plenty of them in his belly already.
6. Anti-personnel spray: Are there people in your life that you don’t like to be around or who always stand too close or who are compulsive huggers or who have personal hygiene challenges? The appearance of a drool flinging Hound solves the problem instantly and insures that you can move about in a large and secure perimeter.
7. Squeaky hinges: This is an especially appropriate application since I frequently make a noise that sounds like a squeaky hinge when I want something but not badly enough to bay for it. In addition to its liquid/solid properties drool is exceptionally lubricious and is an excellent fix for anything that needs oiling, such as the refrigerator door squeak that causes your Hound to dematerialize from the couch and rematerialize with his head in the fridge.
8. Recreation: It’s a rainy day and the kids are bored. What to do? Turn your hardwood or linoleum floors into an instant, super slippery ice rink! NB: failure to remove drool from floors could be hazardous to your health; robust health insurance recommended.
Yes, I know, there really should be 10 products—8 is not a satisfying number-- but unsatisfying numbers are much in my thoughts today as it is Avogadro’s birthday. For those of you who remember your high school chemistry, Avogadro is the guy who invented Avogadro’s number—6x 1023 which is either the number of particles in a mole of something or the number of toys and bones that lay scattered across my humans’ apartments. But I think that I should have a number as well. Wimsey’s Number could be 130—both my weight and the number of times you can tell me to do something and I won’t do it.
I think I will leave it there for this week. Have fun and don’t forget the sunscreen. My humans never do.
Until next time,
Wimsey, A freeloading gelatoing Hound