Friday, November 9, 2007

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 40
November 9, 2007

Hello Everyone. It’s me, Wimsey, and I am mighty peeved, I can tell you. I seem to be short one human in my entourage. My human Maria’s friend Elizabeth has been busy attending some non-Wimsey related conference all week and has only resurfaced for yesterday’s evening walk. The perfidy of humans! Now however fine an individual Maria might be, she alone does not constitute an entourage; as a Hound of Stature I feel naked without my full complement of humans. Like an ancient potentate, I require my retinue to serve my needs (scooping my poop), to defend me from my enemies (dogs that begrudge me my beautiful testicles) and also as a means to call attention to my high status.

In fact, I am very much like an ancient king in many other ways too-I have compliant female attendants (Maria and Elizabeth), I extort tribute (biscuits) at frequent intervals, I recline on a divan (the couch), I enforce my will benevolently wherever possible but am not above taking what I want by force or guile (dirty underwear), I am in possession of vast resources (rawhides, bully sticks and stuffed toys), I engage in martial war games (eviscerated stuffed toys), I believe that everything I survey belongs to me (other people’s water bottles), I am accomplished in the courtly arts (singing and wooing the ladies) and the people of my demesne pay homage as I pass by (joyous shouts of “He’s so cute!”).

Anyway, if Elizabeth wants to skive off to conferences they should at least be Wimsey related:

Wimsey: Impact on Modern Scholarship and Culture

Music Track
Musicological theory and the tonal dynamics of the bay

Biology Track
Activation of HOX A genes in the induction of drool production

Aesthetics Track
Grooming the hound jewels: a study in style

Physics track
The biomechanics of towing: Newton’s laws revisited

Ethics track
What would Wimsey do?

History Track
The seminal role of Renaissance Wimseys in the Tudor Court

Government Track
Constitutional arguments for Hound enfranchisement

Pop Culture Track
Should Hounds be permitted in rehab?

Psychology Track
Wimsey: The Ultimate Freudian Analyst

Anyway, in addition to being absent without leave from Wimsey World, Elizabeth also had the temerity to fraternize with a male not of my choosing. This is very troubling as not only am I a Wing Man par excellence, but in my experience human females are very poor judges as to the worth of a potential mate. As for me, I like to keep things simple (does she have a profusion of alluring wrinkles and, most important, is she available), but humans seem to like to make things complicated, which is where they go so terribly wrong. For instance, they want to know what someone does for a living whereas the optimum situation is that the person does nothing for a living so they can sit on the couch and scratch me. Also humans seem to want the mates they can’t have or the same ones that everyone else wants, which makes no sense whatsoever. As a recognized expert in the field of human romantic endeavors, I believe that there are certain personal attributes that are key to successful relationships:

Lots of free time for long walks
A passionate interest in sitting on the couch scratching me (TV optional)
A tactile nature that can appreciate and savor the sensuous feel of rich, smooth hound hair under their hands
A waterproof or otherwise drool resistant wardrobe
A sturdy frame capable of supporting a 125 lb. lap dancing hound
A sense of humor
A soft hearted nature amenable to fulfilling and indulging the wishes of a Hound
A lack of attachment to material possessions such as those at risk of being shredded, chewed, ripped or otherwise rendered useless
A generous nature with a willingness to share food and furniture with a loveable hound
A poor sense of smell

Anyway, it is infuriating that Elizabeth has spent time with a male not of my choosing—he could be anybody, after all—an axe murderer or worse yet, someone who doesn’t like dogs (I believe that Dante reserved a special circle in Hell for these people). I will have to keep a close watch on Elizabeth in the future to make sure that this doesn’t happen again, or at least not outside of my purview. The terror of being introduced to a woman’s father pales in comparison to being introduced to her Hound--I have so many more weapons of disdain in my arsenal (the teeth, the drool and of course, my favorite: the lifted leg). And as for Maria, she knows the futility of even trying to sneak off without my permission:

Unauthorized date: What’s that smell?
Maria: Uh, it’s a new shampoo I just tried.

Unauthorized date: I don’t think I ever smelled anything like it before. And what are these spiky red hairs I now seem to be covered with?”

Maria: They’re mine; I am a red head after all.

Unauthorized date: But then what are these black ones? And what are those whitish splotches on your clothes?

Maria: I am very clumsy and habitually spill beverages on myself.

Unauthorized date: Have you been in a fight! Where did you get all those bruises?

Maria: I ran into a door.

Unauthorized date: Yikes! There seems to be a Giant Hound taking up your entire apartment.

Maria: He belongs to my friend Elizabeth.

So as you can see, it is pointless for Maria to even attempt social relations without my approval. In fact she is virtually obligated to disclose my existence immediately:

Guy: “Hello, my name is Tom. Would you like to go out with me?”
Maria: “I have a giant Hound and he smells, flings drool, sheds, sits on you, sticks his nose in your food, accompanies you to the bathroom and doesn’t like to be alone.”
Guy: “On second thought…”

All this is reason why it is much better if I pre-select the guy. After I am done with him if he still wants to go out with one of my women, I know he is a good match. It’s really a case of “Love me, love my women.”

And speaking of compliant women attendants, as you know, I have always fancied myself a bit of a pasha. Therefore it is entirely appropriate that in this week’s visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art we examine one of the great Odalisques of the art world:

Olympia (Edouard Manet, 1863, Musee d’Orsay, Paris). Well, we have previously seen how Manet’s “Dejeuner Sur L’herbe” caused a scandal in the art world, but the furor over Olympia was even worse. The site of this brazen, yet sensuous courtesan, painted in a realistic style, boldly looking at us in open challenge infuriated and shocked many viewers. The painting even had to be protected to keep people from damaging it. But see how the atmosphere of “luxe, calme et volupte” is enhanced by the bold glance of a sensuously draped Hound. And the presence of the Hound even clarifies the look on the face of the servant: she is undoubtedly questioning the sanity of her mistress (like so many of Maria’s acquaintances also do when viewing me at full drape). Anyway, the presence of the large Hound also serves to emphasize the elegant petiteness of the subject, thus enhancing her beauty. Olympia is clearly pleased by the presence of the Great Hound, unlike Elizabeth who often complains that I make her look even shrimpier. Clearly she lacks the taste of Olympia in failing to perceive the potential allure of shrimpiness. Wimsey’s Olympia.

Well, time again to bid you farewell for another week. My entourage is assembling for my evening perambulation.

Until next time,

Wimsey Pasha


Princess, Tank and Isaac: The Newfs of Hazard said...

Hound-zooks! How will you punish The naughty Elizabeth?

Peanut said...

Yes we want to know how elizabeth will be punished. What will you do to her?

Biggie-Z said...

Oh Wimsey, you have outdone yourself!! You know, there is something to be said about knowing what someone does for a living. That is how your humans buy things like toys, bones, and beds filled with cedar chips, which make great air fresheners. (All you need to do is open the package and strew the chips all over the room. Smells great.)

I can't wait to meet you. My mommy sez she is "swamped" with work (there is that human obsession with what one does for a living, again!) and she is keeping my activity level down because I need to be screamed for hip displays at the vet next week because I sound like Rice Krispies when I sit. So. Maybe after I show everyone my hips we can play?

hugs and stinkiness, Biggie

Biggie-Z said...

P.S. Another way to see whether Unauthorized Guys are up to standards is to sniff them. Hard. I start with a rear approach, which is also good for seeing how high they can jump. If they pass that test, we check the reflexes by sniffing from the front. You'd be amazed at how fast their hands can move.

If you have a pointy nose like me, you can really get in there and check it out. Lots of information.

Does Elizabeth have a pointy nose?

Randi said...

Hi Wimsey...I feel so educated & cultured every Friday (or thereafter) when I read you blog..just know that you are enlightening K-9 minds everywhere...& oh...some silly humans too...

I, too, think this Elizabeth should be punished...she should always consult the great Wimsey before she even THINKS of speaking with a young lad... She needs to give up 7/8ths of her daily meals to you...& more belly rubs...thats just the start of it..I'm sure someone as clever as the Great Wimsey can dish out the appropriate sentence...ALL HAIL GREAT WIMSEY!

Love & Licks,