Friday, June 6, 2008

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound

Entry # 70
June 6, 2008

Hello everyone. It’s me Wimsey and I am currently lounging around on the suddenly summery Upper West Side of Manhattan, looking indolently handsome as usual (I think I need a Panama hat). Summer always brings out the best in me, particularly with respect to drool production. Too bad the same cannot be said for my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth who go about looking sweaty, disheveled and drool coated. When I am done with a batch of drool I merely fling it in their direction so as to begin producing a fresh batch forthwith-- fresh drool being a direct result of my enjoyment of the beauties of summer. And of course with all the dirt about, I am able to create and orchestrate the flinging of a marvelous colloidal suspension of drool and dirt and the occasional blade of grass, which makes exceptionally attractive patterns on the ladies clothing. Elizabeth high tailed it over to the Gap this week and bought an array of brightly colored Tee-shirts in the misguided hope that the colors will distract from my handiwork, but until the Gap starts producing actual drool colored shirts, I believe this highly unlikely. Personally I think she should just consider the drool a personal fashion statement and embrace it as the Mark of the Hound—kind of like the Mark of Zorro, only less physically (although not psychologically) painful. Of course this being New York I could potentially start a fashion trend:

Wimsey’s Fashion Emporium: Sole Distributor of:

WimseyWear: Unleash Your Inner Hound

Sales Hound: May I help you?

Customer: I thought Hounds don’t help people. Is this a trick? Are you going to pretend to help me and then push me into a mud puddle or something?

Sales Hound: Your suspicions are very commendable, but in this case, I earn a rawhide for every dollar you spend, so I have a vested interest in helping.

Customer: Well in that case..

Sales Hound: Of course I do have a natural instinct to humiliate you, so I may choose to forego some rawhides occasionally. What is it you wanted?

Customer: I am looking for WimseyWear.

Sales Hound: That department is just to the right of the fountain of pee and across from the liver bar and to the right of the pet department.

Customer: You have a pet department?

Sales Hound: Why yes. It’s our chasables section. We sell squirrels, cats, raccoons, rats and just about any other fast moving animal. Also some large, disgusting insects. Of course the pets don’t stay around very long so there is a constant demand.

Customer: OK. But I think I’ll check out WimseyWear first. Anything that looks good on Giselle Bundchen looks good on me.

Sales Hound: I rather doubt that Madame. But if you care to visit our medical department I am sure that Dr. Wimsey would be happy to write you a prescription for a Hound. They can be wonderfully slimming. Here watch the monitor—it features our latest ad:

Are you fat? Do you think you are fat? Are you concerned that other people think you are fat? Are you wasting you life sleeping many unnecessary hours (and having nightmares about being fat)? Introducing Miracle Hound! Miracle Hound is guaranteed to give you that emaciated look you crave including those coveted hollowed out eyes and protruding bones! Using Miracle Hound—Nature’s Own Cross Trainer—attain unsurpassed aerobic fitness by enjoyably chasing after your Hound hour after hour! Develop arms like a young Arnold Schwarzenegger while restraining your Hound from chasing small, juicy animals or dragging you into large bodies of water! (Endorsed by the Woman’s Olympic coach of the former East Germany “Everyone thought it was the anabolic steroids, but it was really Miracle Hound!”). Forget tedious Pilates—develop amazing core strength trying to stay upright! Burning too few calories by sleeping at night? Miracle Hound will have you up and about investigating an entertaining variety of nocturnal antics and awaken you with astonishing speed utilizing our patented pre-dawn “face full o’ hound” alarm system. Problems with overeating? Not any more! Miracle Hound will clean your plate before you have a chance! Talk to your doctor today and see if Miracle Hound is right for you (disclaimer: Miracle Hound may cause high blood pressure, broken bones, internal injuries, heavy bruising, multiple cuts and abrasions, alcoholism, insomnia, anxiety, exhaustion and extensive property damage.)

Customer: Sounds fantastic! But first I would like to try on some WimseyWear.

Sales Hound: Well, WimseyWear comes in a variety of styles, although we like to think of them as “cataclysms”. There are clothes with holes, clothes with drool, clothes with mud and clothes with novelty items.

Customer: Novelty items?

Sales Hound: Yes. These come with some more unusual cataclysms such as embedded kibble and other food items and we also have a seasonally inspired line. These feature designs due to damage by things like grass and algae or rolling in dead animals or yellow snow for instance. Our designers have free rein in this department and their object is to showcase the Creativity of the Hound. I think Kate Moss was wearing a dress in one of our pee splatter designs when she was busted for cocaine.

Customer: Super! I also look good in things that Kate Moss wears.

Sales Hound: I think Madame should visit our medical department.

Well I have clothes on my flat and pointy brain because last Sunday was all about clothes—Maria went on a shopping expedition to find a dress for an upcoming wedding while I was relegated to the tender ministrations of Elizabeth (which included her checking on my kitchen floor nap every two minutes to make sure that I hadn’t overheated during our walk). And then after my nap, I repaid her concern by parking my tush on the stack of newspapers she was preparing to read and my upper body on the newspaper she was actually reading. I really hate newspapers—they seldom have any stories about bloodhounds in them and they require two hands to read which leaves zero hands free for scratch me. But it was all worth it as Maria found a super dress and I got to go on a long walk while she described the fascinating dress buying expedition in enormous detail. So my question is, how come women who are so intimately familiar with such terms as ruching and peau de soie are seldom to be found in anything other than baggy denim and stained and stinky cotton tee shirts? It couldn’t possibly have anything to do with me as I would quite fancy adding my special touches to all things ruched and peau de soie’d. Perhaps instead of buying Gap tee shirts Elizabeth should buy some tee shirts that say “We don’t look like this when we are not with him.” But of course they are never without me, so the point is rather moot. And Maria’s lovely new dress is double wrapped in plastic and locked away in her closet, but somehow I rather suspect that when she unwraps it she might find just a little something to remind her of her Miracle Hound.

But all this talk of fashion is a massive digression from the real excitement of the week. I entertained visitors from Alaska! Yes, it is amazing, but people do actually live in Alaska and one of them even has a bloodhound and found me through my blog. So our good friend Edie and her two lovely daughters spent three hours hanging out in Central Park with me and admiring my fine houndly spirit and extravagant fragrance (I am overdue for a bath it seems). Of course my aroma apparently only added to my charms as young Amanda flung her arms around me and buried her face in my fur, inhaled deeply and declared ‘He smells like Gus!” Gus, (who declines to be bathed) is their two year old bloodhound whom I am happy to report is every bit as badly behaved as one would expect (and being from Alaska he once stole a salmon). His hound savvy human who already had two coonhounds when Gus arrived reported thinking “How much worse could a bloodhound be?” The answer was of course as astounding as it was obvious. In fact Gus’ human only found this blog because she was looking for info on how to cope with a bad bloodhound (just because he ate a little dry wall!) and then discovered that the adjectival modification is wholly redundant-- Gus is really only just a bloodhound. Well we all had a fine time and many interesting topics were discussed-- such as strategies for maintaining traction whilst walking a charging bloodhound. I have always noticed that when Hound people get together they swap stories about the havoc wreaked by their Hounds—and then laugh hysterically. It’s a good thing too otherwise I suspect there would be many more ex-hounds. But still I think these humans would make excellent subjects for psychological study—perhaps they view us as karmic retribution for unsavory actions buried deep in their pasts. But in any case, Elizabeth who helps train ASPCA dogs was thinking about flying off to Alaska to help train Gus. Then Maria asked her if that was because she had had so much success in training me. “Perhaps Gus would be different” she hopefully opined. When Maria was done snickering I bayed and proceeded to lunge after a squirrel. I think Gus is safe for the time being. The Friends from Alaska montage is below.

Well it’s once again time for our weekly visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art. Today we travel to sunny Spain to look at a masterpiece of baroque art: Old Woman Cooking Eggs (Diego Velazquez, 1618, National Galleries of Scotland). Velazquez painted this when he was only nineteen years old and the work reflects the general baroque preoccupation with the dramatic role of light. Velazquez, however, also enjoyed imbuing everyday objects with contrasting textures as we can see in the reflective oily nature of the eggs and the polish of the metal bowls and utensils. Unfortunately Velázquez was not able to indulge his passion very often as he soon after became court painter to Phillip IV of Spain and spent his days painting the uncomely king and his equally unattractive looking family (if anyone offers to set you up on a blind date with a Hapsburg I would give it a miss) in a series of inexhaustible poses and attitudes. But with respect to Old Woman Cooking Eggs (my humans cook me eggs frequently and I think they rather resemble this woman after a long day out with me) Velazquez could have added yet more textural variety by the insertion of a large, hungry Hound supervising the cooking. See how his large moist tongue and luxurious velvety wrinkles enhance the picture! We can almost feel the long sliver of silvery drool that will soon emerge! Wimsey Cooking Eggs.

Well that is all for this week. I am to be bathed tonight and so must prepare myself for the ensuing turkey feeding, cosseting and canoodling that can be expected on such an august occasion.

Until next time,

Wimsey of the North (of Times Square)


Biggie-Z said...

Hi Wimsey! That's so exciting that you got to meet people from Alaska. I would love to steal a salmon someday. Today I've been chasing frogs, dogs and kids at the pond. Good times. Now time for a nap.

By the way, WimseyWear sounds like a great idea. It would be very useful for my mom too, as she gets loved and drooled on by all the dogs in the dog run. Maybe something in a material that could be hosed off would be good?

Stay cool this weekend! It's 90 degrees here and we're in the mountains.

Snoozing Biggie

Edie and Gus said...

My Dear Wimsey of the Big City,
I am so glad that you have returned my girls to me! I missed them greatly while they were touring such exotic locales. They were very pleased indeed to make your acquaintance- now if I could just get Edie to stop pulling on my brow to create a "Wonderous Wimsey Widow's Wrinkle"...
Thank you for confirming the fact that bloodhounds are meant to be badly behaved. I am doing my best to follow your example, although I do not seem to have any thousand dollar white coats or celebrities to fling drool upon. You will be very proud to note my latest accomplishment, however. Upon their return from the Big City Adventure, I greeted my girls with a profusion of sticky kisses and tried to throw them all down the stairs with my leaps of joy. As suitcases were hauled in and Edie's husband began a Welcome Home feast of red salmon, I saw my chance! I crept into the kitchen ( they had forgotten to put on my electronic collar) lept upon the counter, and devoured yet another pound of moist salmon meant for dinner!! My coat is now glossy as can be from all the Omega oils. Yum. I am a little sorry that I broke Edie's nice bowl, though.
In celebration of my bad behavior, I am sending you a 2 pound bag of Alaskan Salmon dog treats. You may find that they rival liver...
Thanks again for protecting my girls in Central Park.
Yours in destruction,
Gus (I Fear No Fish) of Alaska

Melissa O in NYC said...

Hi Whimsey! You might not remember me, but we met in Central Park. I'm an all black dachshund and was with my humans, Tony & Melissa. Mommy (aka Melissa) uses a wheelchair and LOVES big doggies. That's why I acted ugly when we said hello. Sorry about that! Anyway, I LOVE your idea about WimseyWear and a store that sells things for us to chase (Mommy says I'm a hound, too, by the way). Next time I promise to be nicer. Mommy's coming, so I gotta go. See ya! Luceeeeeeee

From Lucy's Mommy: Wimsey, you precious boy...if your ladies don't buy you a panama hat soon, let me know & I'll take care of it! Love, Auntie M