Friday, October 30, 2009

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #142

Entry #142
October 30, 2009

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from Manhattan’s Upper West Side where preparations are in full swing for both Halloween and the New York City Marathon. And for Halloween this year I will be dressed in my traditional costume representing a smelly, loud, obnoxious, yet somehow incredibly charming and lovable, Hound. Unfortunately as you can see from this week’s opening photo I was forced to don a pair of Mickey Mouse ears owing to the fact that my human Maria’s friend Elizabeth spent a little time at Disney World last week. There is an even more outrageous hat in the works but apparently elastic straps have to be constructed in order for me to wear it--it having been determined that the hat was not designed to fit on a large flat and pointy head. Elizabeth is in charge of constructing the straps so if her sewing skills are anything like her cooking skills I am confident that the next humiliating Disney hat won’t happen. Stay tuned.

Anyway, Elizabeth’s trip to Disney World got me thinking about how much fun it would be to visit a Hound centered theme park. It could be called Hound World.

Major Attractions at Wimsey’s Hound World

Hound Mountain: Visitors get to search frantically though a mound of personal possessions in various stages of mastication that have been stolen from their hotel rooms.

Big Bay Railroad: Children and adults alike will thrill to the terrifying sensation of being dragged down numerous flights of stairs by a Hound overly eager to get to where he is going who is emitting excited thunderous bays.

Hound Jamboree: A show that is a veritable festival of Houndiness. Realistic animatronic Hounds bay, kick dirt in viewer’s faces and steal their food and personal items.

Splash Mountain: An exciting roller coaster where participants are surrounded by head shaking Hounds whose salivary apparatus has been stimulated by the alluring smell of frying liver.

Wimsey’s Island (formerly Tom Sawyers Island): Tom left the island after realizing that there was actually someone naughtier and more insubordinate than he. Also he couldn’t stand the smell. Visitors to the island explore houses with chewed up drywall, fall into holes cleverly dug into the ground, sit on cushionless couches that buckle under people’s weight owing to extensive chewing of the legs, forage for food in empty refrigerators, climb over mounds of ripped up garbage bags and slide down hills of chewed underpants. Visitors are advised to check all personal items. (As of this writing the island must be reached by swimming as the ferry has been set adrift owing to a chewed up tow rope).

Space Mountain: In this ride, visitors engage in an exciting fight for space—space on the couch, space on the bed, space behind the wheel of the car, space in the kitchen and that all important space in the bathroom.

Wimsey’s Scary Adventures: This is the ride in which participants must answer that scary question—“What has Wimsey eaten now?!” and predict the shocking size of the ensuing vet bill.

Buzz Wimsey’s Yellow Laser Spin: In this ride visitors armed with Hound shaped lasers attempt to use its lifted leg to hit trees, bushes, flowers, fire hydrants and fences. Extra points are awarded for hitting cars, purses left on the floor and humans who disapprove of large smelly Hounds.

Wimsey’s Carousel: This is a wonderful ride where humans sit on seats shaped like all the breeds of Hound, each with its own distinctive and revolting smell. (Sickness bags optional).

Hound Speedway: In this attraction visitors vie to catch a fleeing Hound in possession of the family’s Sunday roast. After they become exhausted, visitors enjoy the pleasure of watching the Hound eat the roast at his leisure under the dining room table.

The Many Adventures of Wimsey the Poop: On this ride visitors must uncover and collect excrement from all the ingenious places that famously clever Hound Wimsey has found to deposit his poop. A chiropractor is on call for those injuries caused by trying to access all those hard to reach places.

Dumbo the Stupid Human: A ride consisting of chairs shaped like people petting Hounds, feeding hounds, beaming at Hounds, photographing Hounds giving Hounds belly rubs, sharing the couch with Hounds and letting Hounds steal the remote control.

Hounds of the Caribbean: An educational attraction in which visitors travel by boat through a series of Hound infested Caribbean islands where they learn where the pirates got all their ideas from.

It’s A Small World and It All Belongs to Me: An inspiring display of children of all the world’s nationalities crying while their Hounds eat their favorite toys.

The Mad Tea Party: Visitors run in circles while attempting to drink a cup of tea and eat a slice of cake whilst in the presence of a pack of hungry Hounds.

Wimsey’s Haunted Mansion: Instead of the ghosts, visitors to the mansions are annoyed by Hounds pretending to be ghosts wearing the elegant sheets they have stolen from Disney’s best resort hotels.

The Magic Carpets of Wimsey: A carousel where visitors get to choose whether to ride on chewed up carpets, peed on carpets, hair infested carpets or carpets that consist of only the carpet padding that has been left behind.

Non-Jungle Cruise: Visitors ride a boat up the Hudson and East rivers where they view dioramas of animatronic Hounds trashing some of the most expensive real estate on the planet.

Wimsey’s Carousel of Non-Progress: Guests are seated in a moving theater in the round that rotates between tableaux of various stages of Hound training.

Featured tableaux:

Housebreaking: We watch as baby Wimsey’s human walks him for hours pleading for excretory activity and we laugh with delight as he barrels through the door and pees on the carpet;

Obedience: Watch as Young Wimsey decides that the other dogs in his obedience class are much more interesting than his human yelling “sit” and brandishing a hot dog. We snicker as the young Hound is eventually expelled because the teacher cannot be heard over his baying.

Modeling: Watch as Adult Wimsey wreaks havoc at professional photo shoots by interpreting the words “sit, stay” as bay, jump up and grab the treat.

Show Dog Training: Howl along with Wimsey’s humans as he learns to pace over cavalettis, gallop around the show ring, slime judges, serenade his fellow contestants, try to make a love connection with the lady Hounds and engage in his trademark display of spirited stack dancing during the judge’s examination.

I think Hound World would a fantastic educational venue as well. No longer would humans be posting shocked and frantic missives on Hound messages boards on the order of “Why is my Hound doing this and what can I do to make him stop!” Having visited Hound World, they will know that he is doing it because he is a Hound and no, you won’t be able to make him to stop, so suck it up. And some humans are just gluttons for punishment, like the Dutch fellow I met yesterday who confessed that at one time he lived with ten bloodhounds (my humans can hardly cope with one—what wusses!). Of course he also signed up to voluntarily run 26 miles.

Now I love Marathon Week in New York City---I get to meet and greet and be admired by an entirely new group of visitors all with the vim and vigor to administer some energetic scratching. And there was even rather a competition to photograph me yesterday as I strolled past the statue of that canine marathoner, Balto. (I wonder if he has as many photographs taken of him as I do). I am sure all these marathoners would improve their times if I were towing ferociously at the other end of their leash.

Anyway, this has been a good week here (mouse ears aside). On Sunday I met these guys who were delighted by my attempts to get my mouth on their water bottle. And we also ran into this beautiful girl bulldog puppy called Charlie. My humans were entranced by her Churchillian good looks and she was entranced by their Fairway turkey. We also had a spot of wet weather which enabled me to model my new Outward Hound raincoat in which I was much admired. And of course this is my favorite season, wet or dry, owing to the abundance of smelly leaves upon which to conduct my vast amounts of business (my humans being convinced that much of my majestic 125lbs is owing to bladder and alimentary canal). And then I spent another afternoon strolling around the park with Elizabeth’s friend Nancy and her young daughter, Alicia, who fed me hamburger and French fries and no longer looks terrified when I bay. Small children with large meals are one of New York City’s great natural resources.

But really I am just happy to have my entourage back at full strength —luckily none of the pilots on Elizabeth’s plane decided to play with their laptops mid-flight. Frankly that sounds like something I would do if I were a pilot as I tend to get bored rather easily. So I suppose it is a good thing that the only flying I do is down the stairs. My humans of course might disagree.

Well, I hope you all have an enjoyable Halloween and that you don’t get stuffed into any humiliating costumes. Although I must say I never quite got the concept of trick OR treat. We Hounds are never dissuaded from perpetrating tricks by the mere application of treats—Trick AND Treat is more in our line—tricks for humans and treats for us. That is the natural order of things. And if your humans happen to wake up Sunday morning and find their domicile trashed, just swear it was ghosts.

Until next time,

Wimsey, W-I-M…. S-E-Y, H-o-u-n-d (it worked for Mickey, didn’t it?)


Francisco Pardo said...

Charlie loved Wimsey! She spotted him from far away and just had to meet him. Charlie says she hopes to run into him again in the park.

Bentley said...

Wimsey, it looks like you have such fun meeting people and pups on your walks! Around here, people tend to cross to the other side of the street or turn to take a different route when they see us coming. It's enough to give a hound a complex or something!

Happy Halloween - hope you got lots of treats.


Scout and Freyja said...

We is hopin' that you had just the bestest HOWL-o-weenie ever and ever with lots and lots of treats!

Tobi said...

We would LOVE LOVE LOVE a Hound Themed park. Maybe we could even get summer jobs there!

Feral said...

OMG, the Mouse ears!


Bernie said...

The mouse ears become you, Wimsey!

Anonymous said...

Wimsey, when will you make another visit to the Wimsey Institute of Houndish Art? There are so many more paintings that would benefit from the insertion of a delightful hound. I eagerly await another installment.