Thursday, March 4, 2010

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #159

Entry #159
March 5, 2010

Hello Everyone! It’s me Wimsey, welcoming you to the month of March which is an auspicious month around here on the Upper West Side of Manhattan because my birthday is in two weeks and I am starting the celebrations by transitioning from winter snow to spring mud. If you want to see why the euphemism “getting dragged though the mud” is so deleterious you have only to look at the state of my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth after one of our delightful Spring tows. And of course although falling in snow is less than desirable, mud is ever so much worse a medium into which to fall, especially when being dragged by a giant unconcerned Hound.

But speaking of snow, there was still plenty of it on our Sunday Central Park perambulation which excited me to such a degree as to require the services of the heinous gentle leader. It has been several years since this drastic measure had to be applied but when my humans realized that it took both of them to hang on to me it made its unfortunate reappearance, marring the supreme beauty of my incomparable face. And as usual it was all the fault of my human Maria, who owing to yet another of those pulled muscles, reduced the duration of Saturday’s walks to a degree incompatible with the maintenance of a safe energy level in one of my robust nature. I have suggested that she see someone about those pulled muscles but she says Cesar Millan is not available.

But the Spring weather did finally bring our friend Nancy out of hibernation along with her little daughter Alicia and her even littler Yorkie, Zorro (Zorro keeps well away from me as he is always in danger of being inhaled). My extended entourage always attracts lots of attention as we offer something for everybody—a cute little dog (silent), a cute giant dog (noisy) and a cute child (mostly asleep). The fact that Alicia was asleep may have made her mother’s life easier but since the awake version of Alicia is an important source of snacks I personally found it disappointing. Also disappointing is the fact that they seemed disinclined to follow me through the snow/slush and mud filled hills. Anyway, their reappearance is another of those telltale signs of spring, like the pile of muddy towels that I spontaneously generate.

Well it’s been a pretty quiet week here and I have as usual spent considerable time Googling “bloodhounds” and having a chuckle at what comes up. I especially liked the site that said that bloodhounds are not obedient because we are independent thinkers. Really, I think the problem is not so much that we are independent thinkers as that we are independent doers. But my most exciting find is that there is a hip dive bar in the trendy South of Market area of San Francisco called “Bloodhound.” According to the reviews this is a great place to pick up men so perhaps the ladies would like to make a field trip. But I was disappointed to see that none of the photos of the bar featured actual bloodhounds and the drink called the Bloodhound is pink (!!!!!). It consists of vodka, Campari and grapefruit juice which is all very well if you’re visiting a bar called Poodle but if you want to recover from an assignation with a bloodhound we’re talking a fifth of Jack, a bucket of ice and a heating pad. But this makes me think what a bar called Bloodhound should really be like:

Wimsey’s Bloodhound Bar

Patron #1: Wow! A Bloodhound Bar! What will they think of next?

Patron #2: Mind how you step. Let’s sit at the bar, there’s less chance of getting in the way of a stray leg lift.

Hound Bartender: Welcome to Wimsey’s Bloodhound Bar where drool rules.

Patron #1: Thanks. I’d like a gin and tonic.

Hound Bartender: I don’t take orders, I'm a Hound. Here, have our signature drink, “the Bloodhound.”
Patron #1: But it’s a glass of whiskey!

Hound Bartender: Yes, it will help you relax and forget about the abominable things your Hound did today.

Patron #2: Well do you have something lighter?

Hound Bartender: Well, you could try a Beagle.

Patron #2: OK. What’s in it?

Hound Bartender: It’s a glass of vodka, but it’s only 80 proof. And I can also recommend the Bassett—it’s the same as a beagle only in a short glass.

Patron #1: I’d still like a gin and tonic.

Hound Bartender: One English Foxhound coming up. Would you like that with or without some rabbit fur? We’re all out of fox tails.

Patron #1: No animal fur! Hey, what happened to the tonic?

Hound Bartender: Mixers tend to dilute the amnestic and analgesic effects of the drink. Most people who come into the Bloodhound Bar either want to forget or are in need of immediate pain relief. We tried holding a yoga class but most people find the alcohol works a lot better.
Patron #2: Do you have any bar snacks?
Hound Bartender: Yes. We have fried squirrel bits, fried squirrel bits with cheese, steamed squirrel bits and cottage cheese for dieters, raccoon chips with liver dip and for vegetarians a medley of fresh mowed spring grasses marinated in Hound urine.

Patron #1: Don’t you have anything people would want to eat?

Hound Bartender: Well this is a Bloodhound Bar. And I’m told that after a few Bloodhounds it all seems very tasty. Now, I am a bartender so you are required to tell me your problems.

Patron #1: I hate my job.

Patron #2: I’m lonely.

Hound Bartender: Such easy problems today. Clearly neither of you have Hounds. First, if you had a Hound you would love your job because it would mean getting away from your Hound for the whole day. Also with the money you earn you could buy stuff to keep him occupied so he doesn’t destroy too many of your possessions. And of course you’d be grateful for the cash to replace the stuff he does get to. Also for the vet and doctor bills. And as far as being lonely, if you had a Hound you’d meet loads of people—of course most of them would be in court, but litigation can be a very effective means of bringing total strangers together. And speaking of which, those two smelly, muddy, drool spattered and disheveled looking individuals over there have just sent you over two Bloodhounds (fortunately the drink, not the real ones) and a deluxe raccoon chip platter.

Well you get the idea. My humans sure do—tequila, gin and cachaca being pretty much staples when I am around. Anyway. Next time my humans are in San Francisco they are definitely going to make a field trip to the Bloodhound Bar and I will give them a list of “improvements.”

And of course the other shocking news around here this week is that apparently some kids were admitted to the control tower at JFK to help direct air traffic (no wonder my humans don’t like to fly). Hounds would have been better at it:

Control Tower: This is the Tower, Auxiliary controller Wimsey here. AA 321 please descend to 2,000 feet and bank 30 degrees left.

Pilot: Am I about to hit something!

Tower: Negative AA 321. I’ve had a report of a sighting of that fat black squirrel I’ve been chasing and wish to confirm location. Wimsey out.

And of course other professionals could benefit:


Teacher Wimsey: Now class, if Johnny has one slab of liver and Mary has two slabs of liver, how many slabs of liver do they have?

Class: 3!

Wimsey: The correct answer is none. Their Hound is very fond of liver.

Councilor Wimsey: I object!

Judge: But your opponent hasn’t said anything yet.

Councilor Wimsey: But I always object. It’s a matter of principle.


Dr. Wimsey: You seem very upset. Lie down over here on this couch and I’ll lie on top of you and have a nice nap while you tell me all about it. Then you’ll pay me $200 and feel a lot better.


Officer Wimsey: You’re under arrest! I must frisk you with my nose and confiscate any concealed comestibles.
Person: But I haven’t done anything!

Officer Wimsey: It doesn’t matter. I like running my nose over people and stealing their food.


Mail Carrier Wimsey: Mail, what mail? You mean I was supposed to deliver it!

I’m sure you too could benefit by bringing a Hound to work and who knows, looking for a new job might be fun. And speaking of fun, Sunday is the Oscars! And this year there are ten films up for nomination, but I like my versions better:

Avatar: An extra terrestrial Hound is sent to infiltrate earth using an avatar so that his fellow rapacious extra terrestrial Hounds can plunder the planet. Unfortunately the Hound discovers that this has already been done by earth’s inhabitants and he finds that on earth Hounds are worshipped and that lounging on couches, being waited on and having his belly rubbed is a lot easier than plundering planets anyway.

The Blind Side: An NFL football player becomes so distracted by the antics of a cute beagle that he does not see the giant Hound that barrels into him and steals his sandwich. So impressed is he with the tactics of these Hounds that he adapts them for the gridiron and becomes a star quarterback. In gratitude he buys the Hounds a lifetime supply of Subway.

District 9: A group of aliens known as The Shrimp are supposed to be evicted from District 9, however this proves dicey as it turns out that they have a biological weapon that turns members of the military industrial complex into Hounds. This presents problems as instead of being in danger of getting shot they are now in danger of getting eaten. The Shrimp are forced to flee in a spaceship whilst the Hounds turn their attention to another alien race, The Salmon.

An Education: A first time dog owner is convinced he wants a Hound. Everybody tries to dissuade him but he is determined. The guy’s dream unravels as it is a race to see what disappears first—his friends or his possessions. The movie ends with him having the distinction of appearing on both The Dog Whisperer and It’s Me of the Dog where he is humiliated using two entirely different training strategies.

The Meat Locker (orig. title The Hurt Locker): A group of high tech Hounds stage a daring raid on a local butcher shop.

Inglorious Basterds: A serious World War II movie that is a companion piece to the more light hearted “Dogs and Baitches.”

Precious: A movie all about Hounds.

A Serious Man: A physics professor (that was his first mistake) is saddled with an unfaithful wife, terrible kids and tenure track problems. He consults three rabbis for advice. They all tell him to lighten up and get a Hound. Impressed by the Hound’s unique application of physics to do damage and wreak physical havoc he writes a best seller called Newton’s Hound, is granted tenure and gets to sleep with his sexy neighbor. His kids are still terrible but he doesn’t care because at least they can’t eat the couch.

Up: A dog trainer tries to use reverse psychology on his Hound by giving him commands that are opposite of the behavior he wants. Unfortunately for him, the Hound really takes to the Up command and ensconces himself on the kitchen counter.

Up in the Air: A fantasy in which traveling by plane and staying in chain hotels is made to seem glamorous. And like all things that are fun and glamorous, they must ultimately be shown to be soulless to make everyone watching the movie feel better that they are not doing fun and glamorous things like meeting people in hotel bars who look like movie stars but are really home doing much more worthwhile and soulful things like cleaning out the Hound’s ears and making sure his poop is formed.
Well that’s my life for this week. Time to rest up for the weekend and another Oscar winning performance of Wimsey Disrupting the Lives of his Humans.

Until next time,

Wimsey, the Hound Star


Bentley said...

Oh no, not the gentle leader! I've been seeing way to much of that thing myself. First, because the backyard was a frozen snowy wasteland, now because it's melting and the scents are so overpowering. For some reason, my humans don't want to be towed into the deepest wet snowbanks?

Loved all the career ideas too. I've never given much thought to any career beyond "difficult dog", but I may have to consider some of those.

The Shitty Astrologer said...

Happy trails Wimsey! You've earned your biscuit after that power trek!

Bernie said...

A hound bar indeed... So many career options, so little time. I think my job description reads something like "guard dog/sofa-warmer".