Friday, September 3, 2010

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #182

Entry #182
September 3, 2010

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here coming to you from what must currently be the most boring place on earth—a temperature challenged New York City—where hanging out in the air conditioning is the only comfortable thing to do. My human Maria is on vacation (or rather staycation) this week and she and her friend Elizabeth had planned to take many long walks with yours truly and perhaps even attempt a picnic. Well 90+ degree heat put an end to those plans and consequently, in what is a very rare confluence of opinion, this has been a very dull week for both Hound and human.

On Monday, however, Maria did walk me down to her office where I got to hold court on Park Avenue to the amazement of passersby and to the delight (mostly) of Maria’s office colleagues. By chance the Big Boss happened to see me and after eyeing her cream colored suit I started to wind up for a massive drool fling when the mission had to be aborted owing to the fact that Maria threw her body on top of my head. I was very disappointed but soon recovered enough to try to climb into somebody’s van much to everyone’s delight (except maybe the guy who owned the van) and to engage in a little light concertizing. Office colleagues who had not seen me before were startled by my sheer size and majestic appearance which was, as always, very gratifying. I guess the pictures that everyone who come within a 10 foot radius of Maria’s desk are forced to view do not do my massive proportions justice.

Anyway, this week has mostly consisted of me flopping down in the park and refusing to move—my humans are never sure if this is due to heat exhaustion or my desire to increase my park dwell time—and I’m not saying. But summer is almost over and I am already looking forward to the piles of leaves that need disrupting and to inhaling the crisp autumn air redolent of fresh squirrel.

But of course for many folks the end of summer means the beginning of a new school term. And as such, and because I am a Hound of high learning and great erudition--one whose every Tweet is followed by no less august an institution than the University of Chicago-- I present a fall review of The Great Scientific Theories of History:

The Atomic Theory: (otherwise known as the Atomic Wings Theory): a theory that states that no matter how small a piece of chicken is still left on a wing it is always subject to confiscatory activities by a poultry loving Hound.

The Theory of the Conservation of Matter and Energy: Kibble, salmon, turkey, and the contents of the garbage can are never really destroyed but are merely converted into the energy necessary to dislocate people’s shoulders.

The Cell Theory (otherwise known as the Cell Phone Theory): This theory states that no matter how closely you guard your cell phone inevitably it will be hunted down and eaten by a rapacious, electronics loving Hound.

The Germ Theory: This theory states that no matter how much you wash, scrub, brush or wipe your Hound you will never eradicate all the germs that he tracks in. If this bothers you, you don’t deserve a Hound.

The Theory of Plate Tectonics: This theory states that no matter how much or in what direction you move your plate it and its contents will inevitably come into contact with the powerful sweep of a Hound tongue.

The Theory of Evolution: A theory that states that through the process of natural selection and the survival of the fittest, the Hound has evolved into the ultimate food snatching, laundry bin raiding, yard digging, paper shredding, electronics munching, lap sitting and shoulder dislocating beast. Although a predator by nature, the evolved Hound prefers to hunt his food on the counters and plates of the humans with whom he co-exists in a symbiotic relationship. (Note: although the evolutionary relationship between the Hound and the human is clearly of a symbiotic nature scientists studied the relationship for many years in order to determine exactly what the Hound contributes to the human. They finally concluded that Hounds contribute very little apart from being cute, leading to an entire re-evaluation of the supposed intelligence of the monkey).

The Big Bang(s) Theory: This theory states that those enormous crashes that you hear are likely to be the result of a Hound tinkering with your grandmother’s porcelain collection, or sounds related to his exploration of the contents of the china cupboard or the auditory evidence of his moving of some plates of food to a more convenient location on the kitchen floor.

Chaos Theory: A favorite theory of Hounds worldwide, this theory states that no matter how much you believe that you can predict the behavior of your Hound and take appropriate countermeasures, he will always surprise you by his ability to generate chaos in shocking new ways and against seemingly insurmountable odds.

String (Cheese) Theory: This theory states that no matter how far back in your refrigerator you hide the string cheese your Hound will get to it as it is a favorite Hound snack. A corollary to this theory states that if you attempt to exploit your Hound’s love of string cheese and use it in the show ring to motivate your Hound. he will become so excited and preoccupied by the presence of the cheese that he will eschew gaiting and stacking in favor of baying and leaping.

Quantum Theory: In addition to explaining how energy and matter exhibit properties of both waves and particles this theory is most often used to explain how drool exhibits the dual properties of a liquid and a colloid as although it can be flung like a liquid once it settles on someone’s face, clothing or hair it sticks like a colloid.

Theory of Relativity: Another of the Hound’s favorite theories which, simply put, make our perception of time, space and motion all relative to our frame of reference. So for instance although you might think that the one hour it takes your Hound to obey the “sit” command is pitiful when compared with the one second it takes your neighbor’s Golden Retriever it is much better when viewed in comparison to trying to train a rock. Or thinking that your Hound is moving a tad faster than is strictly compatible with human health might be nothing if Usain Bolt were at the end of the leash. Or the $5,000 in cumulative damages that your Hound has caused (so far) is a bargain if you consider that the cost of Hurricane Earl leveling your house would be considerably more.

And speaking of Hurricane Earl, we are all eagerly awaiting its arrival here in NYC as it will apparently bring some cooler temperatures for a few days. Personally I always identify with hurricanes and believe they should all be named Wimsey because they bring plenty of wind, moisture and destruction.

But the hot summer weather does have one great advantage—in addition to succulent, Hound mesmerizing grasses, water bottles are in season! I have developed such a powerful addiction that my humans have been looking into 12 step programs. And although water bottles are not the traditional prey of a hunting Hound such as myself, hunting them does offer several compelling advantages:

You can both steal them and cadge them

Demanding them from passersby provides an excellent excuse for loud, attention-getting baying

No one screams at you when you rip their heads off

Chewing on them produces a crunch that is both orally gratifying and aurally pleasing

You can bat them around and play a shoulder dislocating game of soccer

They’re recyclable so you are reducing your carbon paw print (hopefully making up for that load of gas that you have been dumping into the atmosphere)

You can use them to delay leaving the park indefinitely

Everyone (except your humans) thinks it’s cute to see you walking around with one in your mouth

They’re slower than squirrels

Well I can hardly believe that the summer is almost over and neither can my humans who count the days until more congenial weather arrives. (Elizabeth has already received her first shipment of fall Hound clothes from LL Bean that she looks at longingly in her closet which ensures that cooler weather won’t arrive any time soon). I too am counting the days until those carefully built mounds of dry leaves are so considerately assembled by the Parks Department for my peeing and romping pleasure. It’s a good thing…a really good thing that I am so cute.

Until next time,

Wimsey, a Hound who is always up for a good summer fling


The Thundering Herd said...

As always, your blog was most educational. We plan to explain the Theory of Realitivity to the hu-dad just as soon as he stops with those silly commands.

Bernie said...

You are indeed an erudite hound, Wimsey. Wish you could come visit and chase the cat with me. Loved the photos of you singing on Park Avenue. Ever thought of getting an agent?

Bentley said...

I think the Quantum Theory is the best one. Bloodhound drool is an amazing thing, isn't it?