Friday, November 23, 2012

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #285

Entry #285
November 23, 2012

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here, coming to you from the festive Upper West Side of Manhattan where everyone is thankful for the beautiful weather we’re having and the loud, stinky oppositional Hound that they don’t.  Everyone except my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth who are always thankful to have me around so people will actually notice them.  Well sort of notice them because mostly people notice me and if they don’t notice me a good poke in the rear end or a loud bay will quickly remedy the situation. (Like the new elevator guy in Elizabeth’s building who fled into his elevator when I chose to bay my displeasure at having to wait for the service elevator).  He noticed me.

But first before we begin I have to congratulate our friend Nancy who had her second baby on Tuesday.  I offered her all kinds of helpful suggestions via Facebook during the labor. I have often thought that I would make an excellent doula since the only way to get rid of me would be to actually have the baby.  Sadly Nancy thought an epidural would be preferable.  My humans also think an epidural would be preferable but nobody offers them any when I park my 130lb posterior in their laps. Mostly they get offered gin or sympathy. Anyway, the birth of Nancy’s baby is significant because it means the return of carriages and strollers stocked with snacks to feed me when we run into her in the park.  And at some point the little tyke will be large enough to feed me herself; I am very gentle when stealing food from small children.
Well, it has been a pretty busy week around here.  I wanted to make sure that my humans felt especially thankful for me so on Sunday I dragged them around Central Park for 3 ½ fun filled hours.  And although I have crashed many events in my time on Sunday I crashed my first LARP (live action role play)!  In this case the participants were enacting medieval recreationalists who were engaging in swordplay--- so I joined the LARP as a medieval St. Hubert Hound out to steal their stuff. What could be more medieval (or more Renaissance or more Enlightenment or more Regency or more Victorian or more Edwardian or more modern) than that? 

And this LARP made me realize that I myself have been a participant in one all along—playing the role of the Sieur de Wimsey who is determined to find the Holy Grail.  This quest involves extended hunts into all sorts of nooks, crannies, bushes and garbage bags as well as the acquisition of a multitude of Holy Grail candidates that must pass The Test of the Teeth (the true holy Grail being indestructible).  So far I have run through many grail candidates but have been unable to locate the actual article itself.  But I will continue to look. And my humans, Lady Maria and Lady Elizabeth will continue to attend me on my quest and to clean up the ensuing mess.
Anyway, also this week my French bulldog buddy Pluto  (aka “Little Sir”, since my humans generally refer to me as Sir) arrived at Elizabeth’s while his humans are in the UK celebrating Thanksgiving. Now I can’t help thinking that celebrating a holiday that involves fleeing from oppression in the country of that oppression is a bit ironic.  Being thankful to the Pilgrims that we are not English and going to England to celebrate the fact seems like rubbing their noses in it a bit.  Of course if I were an English Hound instead of an American one, things would be completely different:
1.  Instead of stealing sausages and French fries I would be stealing bangers and chips.

2.  Instead of trying to train me my humans would have a bash at it.

3. Instead of failing miserably to train me they would have made a tremendous cock up of it.

4.  Instead of irritating the life out of my humans (I am not known as canis pestis for nothing) I would be giving them major agro.

5.  Instead of being a pain in the butt I would be a pain in the arse.

6. Instead of working hard to train me (and failing) they would be beavering away at training me (and failing).

7.  Instead of spending a lot of money buying me a custom made coat because I am too majestic for the regular kind they would spend a lot of money buying me a bespoke one because I am too majestic for the regular kind.

8.  Instead of spending a vast amount of money on my vet care they would be spending a vast amount of dosh on my vet care.
9.  Instead of throwing away the leftovers that I am going to steal they would bin the leftovers that I am going to steal.

10.  Rather than taking the cake in the insubordinate Hound department I would take the biscuit in the insubordinate Hound department.

11.  Rather than stealing the cookie I would this time actually be taking the biscuit.

12. Rather than “that bloody dog” meaning that the weak spot on my elbow had opened up again making a colossal mess it would mean that I had shredded a feather pillow again making a colossal mess.

13.  Instead of all my stuff monopolizing all the space in the trunk of a car during a road trip all my stuff would monopolize all the space in the boot of the car during a road trip.
14.  Instead of me chewing up suspenders I would be chewing up braces which is confusing since instead of me chewing up garters I would be chewing up suspenders.

15.  Instead of me causing someone to shriek by poking them in the tush I would be causing someone to shriek by poking them in the bum.

16.  Instead of me removing the roast cooling on top of the stove I would be removing the roast cooling on the hob of the cooker.

 17. Instead of me being obsessed with cops and baying furiously at them to pet me I would be obsessed with the old bill and baying furiously at them to pet me.

18. Instead of terrorizing the guys operating the elevators in Elizabeth’s building I would be terrorizing the guys operating the lifts in Elizabeth’s building.

19.  Instead of me wanting to steal a tourist’s water bottle I would fancy stealing the tourist’s water bottle. (Either way the water bottle would get stolen).

20. Instead of having pockets stuffed with washcloths in a futile attempt to stop me from sliming people my humans would have pockets stuffed with flannels in a futile attempt to stop me from sliming people.

21, Instead of me trying to invade picnic baskets in Central Park I would be trying to invade picnic hampers in Central Park.

22.Instead of my humans being annoyed with me when I try to flee the bathtub soaking wet and covered in soap they would have the hump with me trying to flee the bathtub soaking wet and covered in soap.

23. Instead of being eager to pull my humans over into a snow bank I would be keen to pull my humans over into a snow bank.

24. Instead of running around the house with panties in my mouth I would be running around the house with knickers in my mouth.

25.  Instead of chewing up sneakers I would be chewing up plimsolls.

26. Instead of being 130 lbs. of magnificent Hound I would be 9.3 stone of magnificent Hound.

I think I would have enjoyed being an English Hound—My behavior would have been just as bad but it would have a lot sounded better.

Anyway, Pluto is at Elizabeth’s through Monday and he is a chip off the giant Hound-snoring in Elizabeth’s ear and trying to cadge food.  And amidst the minute, fluffy dogs in the small dog park he is a 27 lb. behemoth—escorting “giant” dogs seems to be Elizabeth’s destiny in life.

And speaking of destiny, I paid another visit to the vet today on account of gunky eyes, gunky ears and possible increased water intake.  Getting a urine specimen was the usual exercise in hilarity with Elizabeth holding my leash and cooing encouragingly at attractive vertical surfaces whilst Maria trailed after us with her gloved hand holding a cup.
They must think I am an idiot.  Of course I have absolutely no interest in peeing under those circumstances. Appropriately enough just as the aggravation quotient was reaching its zenith we ran into yet another person whose dream it was to have a bloodhound. The short version of my humans’ advice: Good luck with that.  In addition to the whole peeing in a cup thing, Maria was also given a set of drops and ointments for both my eyes and ears.   I love the seriousness with which the vet explains in detail how to administer the stuff as if it were something remotely  possible without Step One being: Capture the Hound and Step Two being: Sit on Him.
And no Thanksgiving on the Upper West Side would be complete without a visit to the Macy’s Thanksgiving Day balloons.  Personally I think a Wimsey balloon would be a big hit given the fact that I am photographed as much as the balloons.  I am considering contacting Tanqueray to see if they have any interest in sponsorship.

Well I think that’s all for this week.  Hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving and gave thanks for not having me around to put my nose in the turkey.

Until next time,

Wimsey, One Half of the Dynamic Duo (or Gruesome Twosome)

1 comment:

Bentley said...

Good luck to your humans with the ear drop situation. When that kind of thing is attempted with me it is a "you and whose army" kind of thing...two humans and one hound and the hound comes out on top that battle!