Friday, May 3, 2013

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #303

Entry #303
May 3, 2013

Hello Everyone, Wimsey here, coming to you from the springy borough of Manhattan where here on the Upper West Side it is finally starting to feel like spring.  This mostly means that my human Maria and her friend Elizabeth are now complaining about the difficulty of dressing for weather that is neither hot nor cold and an assortment of odd Hound smelling garments have made their seasonal appearances from the nether reaches of their closets.  Those oh-so- flattering fleece vests and hoodies are once again in the house and the hunt has begun for t-shirts capable of standing up to the onslaught of drool and dirt that walking me entails.

And wardrobe was a relevant topic this week—we saw Tim Gunn of Project Runway fame strolling up Broadway, shopping bags in tow and looking every bit as dapper and impeccably dressed as he does on TV.  Somehow he failed to admire Elizabeth’s chic flannel hoodie, distressed and drooly jeans, giant leather fanny pack and her elegant New Balance footwear. Or perhaps, like most people, he wisely chose not to look. Tim Gunn has been known to complain about the slobification of America but I prefer to think of it as the Houndification of my humans.  My humans have in the past written to a number of the TV fashion shows suggesting episodes that focus on Dressing for Drool and for Getting Dragged Around the Show Ring by a Large Hound but so far no takers.

But speaking of onslaughts, the advent of spring means that I temporarily augment the dragging of my humans to pet shops and snack shops with the dragging of them to the seasonal cafes that have now opened along the Hudson.  And whereas various diners think that the arrival of a giant Hound who parks himself in their midst, bays at them for their food and refuses to leave until he gets some is entertaining, my humans are often less than amused. I find that it is always good to rotate one’s obsessions but there is nothing quite like cadging food from a pack of al fresco diners along the scenic banks of the river.  This is me at Pier 1 trying to order some food.

And of course spring brings spring fever, which is my excuse for my missing blog post last week.  I just spent too much time lounging around outdoors to even think about writing and a lot of my weekly diary consists of such things as:

Rolled in grass
Rolled in more grass
Rolled in short grass
Rolled in long grass
Napped in grass
Ate grass
Laid down in grass
Laid down in grass and refused to move
Laid down in grass and thought about chasing squirrel
Laid down in grass and decided not to chase squirrel
Laid down in grass and made humans scratch me

That’s my way of saying that not a lot that is exciting has gone on around here unless you are interested in grass.  I did post on Facebook though about how one of my vets is going to be on a reality TV show (apparently on a major network, not something like the Vets Who Take Care of Hounds Channel or anything like that) and the producers were looking for cute (canine) patients who could briefly appear. They wanted dogs that looked like this guy so my humans submitted my pictures.  But hey, it’s acting---I can play small and fluffy.  I generally behave like a small dog anyway (except when I need to shove someone off the couch) so it’s not much of a stretch.  But sadly we haven’t heard from the producers.

The warm weather also brought back my intense desire to take a dip in the lake in Central Park  (and my humans, who have an intense desire not to take a dip in the lake in Central Park, had to brace themselves against an adjacent rock to prevent joining me). I became quite the aquatic attraction and people in boats were rowing up to say hi to me and to photograph me—the next best thing to a swim up bar since adult beverages are technically prohibited in Central Park.  Of course, Giant Hounds taking dips in the lake are also technically prohibited in Central Park.  But my lake dipping may be curtailed by forces other than the ticket toting park rangers—the snakehead fish has apparently invaded Central Park!  It’s got a fearsome set of choppers (think piranha) and feet and can hang out on land.  And being the brave beast that I am should I encounter such a creature I would instantly drag my humans at a high rate of speed in the opposite direction. 
We did, however, have one rainy day which enabled Elizabeth to test out the new yellow slicker that she bought me—my red one has always been a bit small and Elizabeth has an irrational belief that somewhere out there there is a raincoat large enough for me.  This one needed Velcro extenders around the girth but had an amount of slippage that she found very unsatisfactory. I find coats very unsatisfactory in general so I was quite pleased that she wasn’t pleased.  Unfortunately I am told that a fancy Finnish coat made by Hurtta is on its way, which pretty much guarantees that there will be no rain for the rest of the year.

And of course spring also brings tourists in droves to New York City and what could be more delightful than meeting me! Drool is its own universal language.  In fact I think that I should design an app to compete with Google Translate

Wimsey’s Hound Translation App

Hello my name is Maria (Hello her name isn’t important, my name is Wimsey).

How do you do (Scratch my belly)

Do you speak English?  (I pretend not to speak English either)

How much does this post card cost? (How much does this large piece of cheese  cost?)

Where is the toilet? (Where is the large tree?)

I would like some gelato (Give me some gelato)

Do you have a room  (Do you have a room with a large bed and a comfortable spot on the floor for my human)

Where is the nearest restaurant (Where is the nearest pile of horse manure)

I am looking for the museum (I am looking for a pile of garbage)

I would like a bottle of water (I would like a bottle without water)

What a lovely dress you have on (What a lovely pair of panties you have on)

I am very sorry (I am not sorry at all)

I live in New York (I live in Central Park)

Your city is very beautiful (I am very smelly)

Where there is a Hound can an international incident be far behind?

And in other exciting news, Elizabeth went to the dentist this week.  This is always exciting because Elizabeth is afraid of dentists and has to take a lot of Valium which means that when she comes to pick me up in the afternoon it’s all:

Hello Wimsey what a beautiful Hound you are come here and let me scratch your belly would you like some of this turkey let me break it into nice pieces for you don’t worry about the drool what’s a little drool here let me scratch between your flews that feels good doesn’t it oh is it time for your walk here are a few cookies to give you strength you’re such a beautiful Hound what a lovely voice you have where would you like to go today it’s such a lovely day and you’re such a lovely Hound would you like some more turkey here’s a pet shop let’s go in and see what we can buy you what a beautiful toy here’s the Belgian waffle truck would you like a nice warm waffle with whipped cream you’re such a wonderful Hound…  Then she falls asleep.

And although relatively uneventful, this week has brought much gastronomic bounty. It began with Maria bringing home a doggy bag of steak from a dinner companion’s plate, then deciding that it’s been far too long since I’ve had my favorite cheese (Morbier) so she braved Fairway to purchase some for me, then we ran into the Grom Gelato truck and Elizabeth decided that it’s been far too long since I’ve had a cup so she purchased it for me and fed it to me in the dainty spoonfuls that I prefer, then a friend of Elizabeth’s was in the Union Square market and saw a large ostrich bone and packs of ostrich jerky that she though I might enjoy so she purchased those for me and finally Maria discovered that the tony bakery Bouchon made foie gras dog biscuits so she went out and bought them for me.  I think that’s it if you don’t count the pretzel a little girl down at the lake fed me. Then Maria and Elizabeth had a disagreement about the meaning of the word spoiled and decided that entitled was a preferable term.
Well I think I will leave it there for this week.  But before I go here is a totally gratuitous picture.  It is of my friend Phineas the Ibizan Hound.  There is no picture of us together because whereas posing one excited Hound is a challenge posing two excited Hounds is miraculous.

Until next time,
Wimsey, Spoiled, Entitled or Fabulous?

1 comment:

Bentley said...

Wimsey, you are all of the above - Spoiled, Entitled AND Fabulous!

And that's good!