Friday, October 31, 2014

Wimsey's Blog: Diary of a Manhattan Bloodhound #362

Entry #362
October 31, 2014

Hello and “Boo” Everyone! It’s me, Wimsey, coming to you from the spooky precincts of the Upper West Side of Manhattan where the costumed throngs are hitting the streets with a vengeance.  My human Maria and her friend Elizabeth do not need the excuse of Halloween to dress up since they are costumed every day in my livery as befits their status as Servants of the Great Hound. For the uninitiated, Hound livery consists of drool (and worse) stained garments in dark colors (under the largely false assumption that dark colors hide the drool better) that is accessorized with a large bag or fanny pack containing Hound and snack paraphernalia. On their feet they wear high traction footwear that can comfortably withstand an infinite amount of walking. Of course their costumes also consist of being The Invisible Human since they are seldom noticed when I am around.

Well Happy Halloween to all my readers who, unlike me, may not be lucky enough to engage in “trick or treat” on a daily basis.  My humans are well aware that when I demand a treat failure to comply in a timely manner will result in a “trick” (and not the kind that humans generally use to show off the intelligence of their canine companions). Such tricks may include gluing myself to the furniture when it is time to have my walking equipment put on or planting myself in the middle of a busy sidewalk until turkey is produced or rolling around in the grass rather than walk in an undesirable direction or refusing to stop lifting my voice in song, etc.  Or like yesterday, when I stared at Elizabeth to indicate that she was required to remove herself from the couch and come scratch me. Her willful disregard of this command earned her a trick:  I got up on the couch, being very careful to use my talon-equipped bear claws to shred the newspaper she was reading before planting my posterior on it.  In general, the Wimsey Treats are less related to food than to giving Wimsey anything that he wants. My point being that really every day is pretty much Halloween around here.
Anyway, this will be a short post since I spent the afternoon in Central Park where the cool, damp and cloudy conditions were perfect for a scent obsessed Hound such as myself.  Also added to the allure was that people from all over the world are here for the New York City Marathon and there is apparently a positive correlation between people who run marathons and people who love Hounds.  Our lengthy park sojourn also forced Elizabeth to conduct a business call with an important European client whilst standing in the middle of a large field trying to manage my activities. Mostly this consisted of puling out snacks to stuff in my mouth so I wouldn’t bay (too much) and gesticulating towards her headset when people tried to chat with her about me.

But we interrupt this blog post for:

Breaking News: A Special Report from CNN

Wolf Blitzer: Hello and thanks for joining us. I am Wolf Blitzer joined by Anderson Cooper here in New York City covering a fast breaking story!  We are foregoing our usual coverage of gruesome wars and natural disasters to report that New York has been invaded by a pack of Hound Zombies!

Anderson Cooper: Do they have Ebola?

Wolf: I don’t think so, but we can always hope!

Anderson: How would you quarantine Zombies? I can’t see them agreeing to stop eating human flesh for 3 weeks. Wouldn’t that kill them?

Wolf: Good point, but aren’t they already dead? Let’s ask the Mayor?

Anderson: Isn’t he in Bermuda?

Wolf: No, they have a new one.

Mayor De Blasio: This is Bill De Blasio the mayor who doesn’t have a house in Bermuda. But my Brooklyn house did rent for $ 5,000 a month.

Anderson: Really? Just $5,000 for an entire house in New York?! Does it have a roof?   But I digress. We want to ask about the plan for quarantining these Ebola- infected Zombies that have invaded New York City.

Mayor De Blasio: Oh no! The Zombies have Ebola too! Nobody tells me anything! And it’s hard enough getting those doctors and nurses to go into quarantine!

Anderson: So can we infer that the city has failed to develop protocols for dealing with Ebola carrying Zombies?

Wolf: I think we are getting ahead of ourselves Anderson. As personally exciting as Ebola-infected Zombies would be to all of us here at CNN, I believe that the Zombies in question are Hound Zombies and I don’t think that they are susceptible to Ebola. They might be carrying giardia though.

Anderson: But diarrhea is not nearly as exciting as a Lethal Hemorrhagic Virus!
Please tell me that at least they are feasting on human flesh throughout the five boroughs?

Wolf: Well so far it seems that they are feasting on couches and used panties. And garbage. A lot of garbage.

Anderson: That doesn’t sound like typical Zombie behavior. Have you checked your sources Wolf?

Wolf: Hold it Anderson!  This just in! It’s not a pack of Zombie Hounds, it’s a pack of regular Hounds!

Anderson: How could they make such a mistake Wolf?

Wolf: It was the smell Anderson. Apparently they were mislead by the vile odor emanating from the pack and concluded that nothing normal could produce such a stench.

Anderson: Well that’s disappointing. Clearly they are not Hound people. But we still have Major De Blasio on the line! He must be good for some news.

Wolf: Tell us Mr. Mayor, what is your position on ferrets?

Anderson: And do you think they carry Ebola?

Well Halloween would not be complete without a scary Zombie story would it?  And while we are at it, why don’t we look in on Dick and Jane and see how they are doing on Halloween:

Halloween with Dick and Jane

See Dick. See Jane. It is Halloween.
“I like Halloween!” said Dick
“I like Halloween! “Said Jane
See Dick’s Hound. Dick’s Hound also likes Halloween.
“I am going to be Batman!” said Dick
“I am going to be a princess!” said Jane.
Dick’s Hound is going to be a Hound.
“I like to trick or treat!” said Dick
“I like to trick or treat!” said Jane.
Dick’s Hound also likes to trick or treat.
It is a dark night.
“I am scared of the dark,” said Jane.
“Do not worry Jane,” said Dick. “My Hound will protect us.”
See Dick and Jane go trick or treating.
See Dick ring a neighbor’s door bell, “Ring, Ring!’
“Hello children” said the neighbor.
“I am Batman!” said Dick
“I am a princess!” said Jane
“Trick or treat!” say Dick and Jane.
“Who is that?” asked the neighbor.
“That is my Hound,” said Dick.
“His costume is the best,” said the neighbor
See Jane cry.
“Here is some candy children,” said the neighbor.
“Look at all the candy!” said Dick.
“Look at all the candy! said Jane.
See Dick’s Hound. See Dick’s Hound look at all the candy. See Dick’s Hound drool. Dick’s Hound likes candy. Dick’s Hound is bigger than Dick. Dick’s Hound is bigger than Jane.
See Dick and Jane cry.
See Dick’s mother. See Jane’s mother.
“Will the children eat too much sugar?” asks Jane’s mother
“No” replies Dick’s mother. “Dick and Jane will not eat any sugar,” she says.


And in honor of the holiday I also did a little trick or treating that did not involve my humans—I stopped off at Little Creatures on my way home from today’s lengthy park perambulation and demanded a treat.

Anyway, I think I will leave it there for now. I have a marathon to rest up for. A marathon of what is the question—and one that is best left to the imagination.

Until next time,

Wimsey, Halloween Hound


Edie and Gus said...

Oh my gosh, Wimsey makes me laugh! Absolutely love the Dick and Jane Halloween tragedy! This was perfect reading tonight as I'm struggling a bit with my recovery- just what I needed. Hugs to all!

Bentley said...

Entertaining as always! Can't imagine trying to carry on an important business phone conversation while out and about with a hound!